My goodness, what kind words. Thank you so much, you’ve made MY day.
Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Cosmo
A Cosmo magazine arrived in my mailbox addressed to a neighbor. I hate Cosmo, but the cover was too tantalizing for me to immediately do the neighborly thing and leave it in front of the subscriber’s door. I felt I really needed answers to my ten most private questions and that possibly a hot new sex trick is just what I need to improve my self esteem. Not to mention January’s issue contains the Bedside Astrologer for 2007!
Honestly, the articles did not live up to my expectations. It was hit and miss. On the one hand, there’s the insanely accurate bedside astrologer calendar. 2007 is going to be a very sexy year for me. Well, duh. ”You are passionate to the core and need a man who shares your intensity. He has to be dependable, like you, and have a smokin’ hot bod to satisfy your supercharged Scorpio libido. A protective kind of guy who really gets you, quirks and all, will earn your amour.”
When I first read “amour,” I thought it said “armor,” which would have been more psychologically accurate. But I guess that just falls into the category of charming “quirks” this guy will really get. How exciting!
Not so exciting are the answers to my ten most private questions.
My first problem with this article is it’s titled “Your 10 Most Private Questions Answered,” but there are only eight questions in the actual article. The second problem is these questions are by no means an accurate representation of my most private questions. This makes the title completely misleading on two counts.
Cosmo had boring, rambling answers written by a seventeen year old girl with as much enthusiasm for the task as any other high school student writing a paper and just trying desperately to reach a 1,000 word count. I’ve listed the questions below with more succinct answers:
1) What are the best positions for me to reach the big O?
What is this, Cosmo Girl?
2) Is there such a thing as too much sex?
Is there such thing as too much money?
3) Is it normal for my guy to be more interested in morning sex?
Does it matter?
4) I don’t always get lubricated enough, is something wrong with me?
You evidently don’t know where they shelve the KY at Target. Find someone with a red shirt and ask for assistance. Unless you’re on Star Trek, in which case stay the hell away from the guy in the red shirt.
5) What happens to semen once it’s inside of you?
It writes great plays like Shakespeare but dies fast like fruit flies.
6) My guy occasionally has trouble with the big O. Is he not really attracted to me?
Of course he’s attracted to you! But maybe throw some porn in the dvd player just in case.
7) What is the right way to get into 69?
This isn’t complex like mounting a horse side saddle. And that’s pretty much the right way.
8) When I drink alcohol I feel like Jenna Jameson, but then I can’t reach the big O. How do I drink and feel sexxxy, but still hit a home run?
Switch to E.
These are the ten (if ten was really eight) private questions I wish Cosmo would answer for me:
1) Will I ever walk into work with a sense of enthusiasm and joy without being under the influence of Vicodin prescribed for a recent root canal?
2) Why does Vicodin have to be prescribed?
3) Why is it that all those apple stems which gave me the first letter of the name of the guy I would one day marry were so vague?
4) Since lesbians are attracted to me, does this mean they know something about me that I don’t know about myself?
5) What would I do if my mother ever mastered the internet enough to find this blog on myspace?
6) Why was Arrested Development cancelled?
7) Is it insensitive of me to think if anyone ever gave me all the gifts in 12 Days of Christmas, I’d find him undesirable?
8) Why is it that no matter how early I wake up, I always miss the 9:30 bus and end up having to take the 10:00 bus? I mean, I could be up at 5, and I’ll find a way to fill the time until 9:20ish, when I’m sitting there with rollers in my hair going, “shit.”
I sure hope next time someone else’s magazine is put in my mailbox that I get a more satisfying answers to the most critical questions in my life.
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Deleen reviewed Version 1 -
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I loved reading this piece…it’s fun, it’s random, it’s cynical, your answer to question 5 is absolutely amazing, and you’ve nicely expressed eight of the most mystifying questions of all time (if you ever learn the answer to the last one please let me know!) Beautiful!
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Serenity46 reviewed Version 1 -
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ok I have to say you made my morning, turned it into a giggle. Kudos I loved this well written and so humorous, youre excellent, Im not gonna make one bad critising thing about something that can make me smile. Keep blogging.
leap_of_faith87 reviewed Version 1 -
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Loved it. Its different from the normal things that I read but for the most part I enjoyed reading the experience you had with the magazine. I enjoyed this though…
stevierey1 reviewed Version 1 -
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You’re funny. I loved the star trek “red shirt” crack! And “if my mother masters the internet enough.” Good blogging.
Best,
Stevie Rey
Edaurdo reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a truly brilliant rant. I loved it got a little scared int he begining with the whole cosmo thing ,but your satire on this subject sucked me and kept me reading and laughing also wanting more.Your wit is razor sharp.Also i’d like your myspace url so i can subscribe to your blog. I very much liked the why does vicodin need to be subscribed question. Please keep up the good work
Stoogester reviewed Version 1 -
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Hahaha – excellent – thank you – the world of glossy magazines has, at last, been put to rights. So identified with the temptation of knowing what’s inside them, is a totally guilty pleasure, but what’s written inside always fails to live up to expectations – draw analogies with one night stands et al, the veneer fades. Well said.
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