Thank you. The irony here is chick lit is not a genre that frequently makes it into my Barnes and Noble bag. lol But I do consider this a compliment, so thank you for your kind words. :)
Journal, Diary, & Blogging / The trouble with being married is wives don't like it when you want to sleep with their husbands.
You know how it is when you’ve known someone for literally days and you can’t help but start noticing their annoying personal habits? Dave is cute as a junebug and I will love him to death or until I find someone cuter!! I swear this on the authentic Britney Spears/Kevin Federline wedding invitation photo I printed from ebay! I love him even though he has this disgusting addiction to Mountain Dew, when he drives he says out loud “Red means stop and green means go,” and his shoes are so shabby people took up a collection at work to buy him new Reeboks. But my biggest pet peeve about Dave is his wife.
Dave has been married longer than Jessica Simpson has been a star, can you believe that? He and his wife Darla have a son named Wilford. Now Dave and I get along just great, but today when he started going on and on about how Wilford just turned twelve and finally dressed himself for the first time, it was super annoying. I mean, I want to be happy for these milestone accomplishments, I do. But the mere mention of Wilford just reminds me of Darla, because Darla’s Wilford’s mom, and then I start thinking about how Dave probably does more than just sleep next to her in their waterbed. Picturing Dave’s muscular body being caressed by that woman he’s married to makes me feel altogether emo. And I have the noncommittal scratches on my wrists to prove it!
I thought my love for Dave would let me overlook the whole pesky married thing, and using Angelina Jolie as my spirit guide I was practicing patience I haven’t exhibited since I had to fish my favorite Hello Kitty Cherrylicious lip gloss out of the portapotty at last summer’s Hillary Duff concert. Why, you might ask? Because my numerology chart strongly suggested it was only a matter of time before I went on a trip with someone whose name starts with an A. I know it doesn’t seem to connect, but I always say “Ay, Dave!” when I see him, it’s like my pet name for him. Obviously “a trip” refers to “a trip down the aisle.” I mean, it’s in the stars for us to be together. But every star-crossed lover ends up facing trials and tribulations, and mine is in the form of Darla.
Last week Darla sent me a strongly-worded e-mail. It seems she has some kind of problem with my friendship with Dave. I told her our friendship is strictly plutonic, but she claims the Polaroids she found of me suggests otherwise. I don’t know what the problem is, I didn’t know whether I wanted to be a french maid or one of Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends for Halloween, so I gave Dave some naked pictures of myself so he could help me figure out what outfits would look best on me. Dave is very fashionable for a straight man from the Dakotas. His opinion matters to me and he’s only ever trying to be a good friend.
Now I have Darla accusing me of the most wretched things and throwing around the kind of words you best not be calling someone unless we’re on Springer and big bouncers are there to keep me from tearing your skanky ass from peroxide mullet to Fashion Bug Halloween knee socks!! And I’ll do it, I know tae-bo.
Anyway. I wish I could help Dave overcome this annoying habit of marriage. I don’t know how much longer I can wait. I think Angelina waited a year and a half, but look at her! She had the discipline to stay starvation skinny even while pregnant. I don’t think I have that kind of willpower. I’m praying to God that I can stay faithful to Dave and that Cameron Diaz will play me in the movie about our heartfelt romance.
Thanks for all your love and support, you guys xoxoxoxo Sylvia
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Catastrophe reviewed Version 1 -
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MrJones reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow, you know I like the flow of this selection but I have one thing to add to all of this….it seems like you’d have to be slightly crazy yourself to write this.
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stevierey1 reviewed Version 1 -
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I enjoyed it! You’re funny, witty. You could write a good chick lit book. Nice use of pop culture icons too.
Best,
Stevie Rey
Edaurdo reviewed Version 1 -
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I like it funny ,Also a great satire on this reality tv celeb obsessed society we live in today . I love the way you come across so ditzy in this peice when obviously your not.I do in fact know girls exactly like this, Great write
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