i said things multiple times in different ways, so the reader can see all the views of a specific ation thats happening to peter. but your right, i should work on it more, thank you.
Short Story / Peter(third part).
Peter opened his eyes and saw nothing. He could see, but there was nothing there, just different shades of a color that he didnt know. He began to feel his chest hurt, hurt badly. He grasped his chest in his hand, feeling the fabric of the shirt in his palm and the buttons between his fingers.
He didnt know where he was, and he realized he wasnt even on solid ground when a womans body began falling in front of him and past his feet where the ground should have been. The body moved slow and so did her hair: Peter thaught this was strange.
Suddenly, Peter remembered his chest.
” Why? Why does it hurt?” he thaught.
He began to feel light headed, and dizzy. His eyes began to sting and he had to shut them.
” Why?” he thaught again.
” Where am I?”
He needed something, but he didnt know what. For some reason he felt like he was running out of time, but he didnt know what for.
He opened his eyes again to look at the womans face and noticed that it was only half there.
He gasped and felt something cold go deep into his body.
It was water.
He was under water and he forgot to breath. He rushed to the top.
He felt himself slipping in and out of conciousness already. His head began to hurt; he had to get air but the surface looked so far away. Peter swung his arms and legs madly and began to cry, the tears becoming part of the water he was desperatly trieng to get out of.
Peter began to moan through clenched teeth in desperation and watched as bubbles escaped from his mouth and nose, racing past him to the surface. He was swimming as fast as he could, but he didnt know how close he was to the surface, to air, to life.
He noticed his body motions begin to slow and his vision fade. Peter couldnt do it, for the life of him he couldnt do it.
Peter stopped swimming.
He just cried for his life. He was only eleven.
He thaught this was old, but he knew he could be older.
” Im only eleven,” he thaught.
” Im eleven years old, my name is Peter and im going to die.”
He wondered if this was what people thaught of befor they died.
He wanted to look at the surface one last time, and he did. Peter was surprised to see his right arm reaching up tot he surface, as if it had a mind of its own and wanted to reach the top just as much as he did.
He gazed at his arm. This was the last time he would ever see it. He looked at the moonlight spreading out on and underneath the water, illuminating anything that cared to get near it.
He saw little specks and what looked like little strings all around him in the water.
Somehow he knew that without any light he wouldnt be able to see these things at all, and he began to hate himself for not living long enough to learn what they were. He wondered what his face looked like under the moonlight and wished he could see himself one last time.
He looked down at the woman and saw her body being slowly swallowed by the immense darkness that littered the bottom of the water where the moonlight itself dare not go.
” Is this it? Is this really the end?”
Suddenly his legs, arms and his body began frantically squerming in no particular direction in a last, desperate attempt for air. But they found none.
He was now in what seemed like a state of euphoria.
Peter felt himself falling slowly to the bottom of the water.
He closed his eyes and began to think about what his body would look like when it would be swallowed by the darkness like the womans had.
This is what Peter was thinking about when he slipped out of conciousness, when he blacked out, when his body went limp, when a hand from nowhere grabbed his and pulled Peter to the surface of the water. To air. To life.
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awkwardvibes reviewed Version 2 -
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Imadjinnation reviewed Version 1 -
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The sentence structure is painful. I gather that you are trying for a sense of urgency – which would be far better served by a greater economy of words.
The sentences repeatedly starting with ‘he, the, this’ make the read boring and repetitive rather than tense.
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MacCrasik reviewed Version 1 -
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Nothing that a spell/grammar check couldn’t fix and/or give suggestions regarding where to break up a sentence or two. There are a couple of run on sentences that hurt the flow just a tad. You use shorter, to the point sentences fairly consistently, which is choppy, but in line with the juvenile subject and his disconnection from reality, so the longer sentences feel out of place. Overall, I gave it a seven. The spelling/punctuation issues were somewhat distracting, but I feel you have a good thing going here. It does leave me curious and wanting to know more, which is the ultimate goal, yes?
Have you submitted the first 2 parts? I’ll have to look them up :)
Nosnibor reviewed Version 1 -
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If a ‘different style of writing’ involves dispensing with full punctuation, then you’ve achieved this, but I’m not entirely convinced that this is the intention or if it aids the narrative any. Which is a pity, because the story itself isn’t bad and the structure is ok, too.
The misspelling of ‘thought’ got a little annoying by the end, though…
TimeTrader reviewed Version 1 -
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Very powerful and vivid description. This is a good beginning. Readers would like to know what will now lhappen to Peter. Did he live to learnwhat the little specks were?
Write On!
cursorblock reviewed Version 1 -
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There is some good imagery in this. It is rather rough and could use some clean up though. Some portions are a little wordy, stating the same things multiple times in different ways. Make sure you check spelling too. (thaught should be thought).
I liked the slow motion imagery near the beginning and again at the end but got a little confused as it speeds up abruptly in the middle without warning. Might want to just watch the transitioning there.
A good beginning with some stark visuals. Just needs smoothing and trim the fat. Thanks for sharing.
MusicLife100 reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this is a pretty good depiction of drowning—you described many aspects that I imagine would be in a situation like that.
One problem is that there are many speeling errors. This is distracting from the story. Please go through spell check or go through and look for spelling errors to draw the readers’ attention back to the story.
I realize you are trying to write differently, and Peter is the only real character in this story, but you start at leat twenty-three (count them) sentences with the word “he”. Quite redundant. Try to vary these with other words or phrases, such as “Peter”, “the boy”, or “the despairing child,”, etc. It would create more variety and make the story a bit more interesting.
Those technicalities aside, I like the ideas you had in writing this. :-)
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