Novel Treatments / Chapter 1: In the beginning
Chapter One: In the Beginning
A boy sat silently on a mat of straw and tattered cloth, his face hidden by his hair. If you could see through the tangled mess, you would see he was staring at apparently nothing; daydreaming. It was his fifteenth birthday; he had just turned a man. Nothing could have spoiled this day, except the harsh labors of a slave, which could not be ignored this day as much as any day.
The other slaves passed him, nodding to him, but he didn’t notice. Yes, he had just become a man, but no one cared. He was only one out of eight-hundred people who had to work today, and every slave in the household only thought of the day ahead of them, and not a boy’s passing into manhood.
The boy sighed, breaking his trance, then stood up and walked slowly to a sliver mirror hanging on the door. At least the Master had let the slaves have the luxury of looking at themselves in the morning. The boy started trying to fix his hair a little bit, so that it at least looked flat, but after a few tries to brush his hair with his fingers, he gave up. He scanned his face, looking at his peculiar features.
He had never looked anything like the other slaves, all of which had the same basic physical and facial appearances. Chestnut skin, brown hair, almond shaped eyes, and they were usually short and rotund, even though they were often at starvation point. He, on the other hand was pale, tall, and unnaturally slim, which no doubt had to do with the lack of food. His face had an almost childish look to it, as if age would never change the child within. Thick eyebrows rested on intense green eyes, and black hair often shadowed his face to make his skin tone seem less unnatural. A few dark freckles here and there added contrast to his pale face. Overall, he did not look anything like a full-grown man.
As he looked in repulse at his atypical features, his eyes fell upon the leather collar around his neck. The one thing that marked him as a slave; the one thing that deprived him of his freedom. He scowled, and in disgust he grabbed the mirror and threw it as hard as he could into the wall. It did nothing and that infuriated him even more. He picked it up, and just as he was going to hurl it at the wall again, a hand grabbed his arm.
“Stop it Endillas, the overseer is going to see you throwing that tantrum, and then you’ll get it. For once it won’t be my fault either.” said a voice. The voice was that of Endillas’s only friend in the household, Raya. Endillas dropped the mirror, and spun around to look at his friend. Raya was smiling, that mischievous smile he was well known for.
“Happy birthday, Endillas,” he said,” and don’t look at me that way, it makes me feel depressed. Anyway, your day cant be as bad as you think it’s going to be because I’ve got a birthday present for you, and you better like it.” Raya winked. “It’s under that straw mat we slaves call a bed.” Endillas grinned. Raya always managed to make him fell like the luckiest person in the world. “ Now there’s the smile I’ve been waiting to see all morning.” said Raya elatedly. “ But what’s the point of a smile if you’ve got nothing to show for it? I say get your manly present and meet me in the common room.” With that, Raya whirled around and disappeared among the crowd of lethargic slaves.
Endillas stood there, wishing Raya didn’t have the bad habit not being there when he was wanted and being there when he wasn’t. Endillas sighed wearily and started searching in the straw mat for his present. It was like looking for a needle in a haystack. By the time he found it, the small hut was deserted, but he was pleased with what he found.
It was only slightly bigger than his hand, but it was thick. It was wrapped in cloth, preferably one of Raya’s old tunics. It was held together with four leather straps intersecting together to make what could be considered a bow. Typical of Raya to make it nearly impossible to open. Thought Endillas, slightly irritated. The bad habits were starting to pile up. He took one of the leather straps and bit it as hard as he could. Surprisingly, it broke easily, making opening the present the easiest thing he was going to do all day. Now excited, Endillas rapidly ripped off what was left of the leather straps and opened the gift. What he saw brung tears to his eyes.
The present was a book so elaborately decorated and beautiful it momentarily blinded him. The cover was made with green velvet. Imprinted with silver at the center was an incredibly detailed tree. Silver lines spiraled around it, and at the bottom were letters stating what Endillas thought was probably the title. The edges of each individual page were encrusted with silver, giving the illusion that the book itself was silver.
Guilt and shame overwhelmed Endillas as he mumbled three words, “I can’t read.” He slowly passed his hand over the velvet, letting its smooth surface caress his skin. He let a tear flow down his cheek and drip from his face onto the cover of the book, leaving a wet spot on the flawless velvet. He quickly wrapped the book in Raya’s old tunic, being careful to not cause any more damage to the book. Then he gingerly slipped it under his straw mat and made his way out of the cabin and into the frigid air of the northern morning.
* * *
The “common room” was little more than a rotting hut where slaves of the higher classes ate their meager breakfast.
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It was very good,but you gave to much detail and sometimes you repeted the same details.In some parts main character thought something And you didnt put ” and you did not slant it.And you had some spelling erros.In some parts you put the ” were it wasent supposed to go.Keep going you are doing great!!!!!!!!
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I would be impressed if this idea had come from an adult and doubly impressed that it has come from an adolescent.
I have story, I have information and I care. You’ve met my three primary critieria for reading chapter two of any novel I pick up.
I get a strong sense of the brutality that Endillas and Raya are subjected to and yet they have a tremendous endurance of spirit and strong comraderie between them.
You’ve done wonderful work at setting the tone and atmosphere of this story. You show a remarkable maturity for such a young author in both style and substance.
I would read more of this and I hope you post some soon. Thank you for sharing this!
This is a really good piece. It was engaging. The dialogue is realistic. There are some questions as to the setting- where and when, Earth- future? past? What type of government? This is all stuff that you’ll need to answer in time I think.
Nice twist about Endillas’s past that leaves some mystery in the character. I like your ending.
I would work on spicing up my prose a bit. I always like to start with a bang and end with a bang. For example, this might be a nice way of rewording your last sentence to demand the rewarder’s attention.
He shifted his steely gaze and silently vowed a debt of blood vengeance to the man for the cowardly deed.
This is amazing work for your age! Keep writing!
Best,
Stevie Rey
December 30, 2006
Deleted User
Very interesting era and subject matter that you have chosen. It’s quite intriguing. The story, from the beginning, draws you in. You take you time with descriptors and I rather enjoy that. The story flows well, but you can tell you struggled here; “under the straw mat we slaves call a bed”, and here; ” His bare feet were exceptionally dirty and blistery.” Try adding the fact that the mats are beds in the story, not as dialogue, for the characters know this already and do not need to tell each other. As well, simply use adjectives to dirty and blistery, for they are overused in this instance.
Otherwise, this is a very strong plot and I look forward to reading more.
It’s a good start. I enjoyed the read you used great description of Endillas’ role at the camp and how he came by it. I see alot happening with this story. Keep up the good work.
Could you describe the “Common Room” more?
i think the begining needs to be more enticing. you need more of a hook because it gets intresting, but it still needs that hook, that grab.
A gripping story. Some wordy parts, but overall it’s good. Writing novels i hard; keep trying! This has the potential for greatness. Keep it up!
Good Evening. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your chapter titled, “In the beginning”. To tell you the truth, I thought it was my own work gone awry as I’ve a piece posted with that title, too!
For 13, I think you are well on your way to becoming a writer! I’m very impressed with how you know ‘how’ to tell a story. You’ve a graceful narrative appeal. Well done.
Many beginning writers many little mistakes that are easily rectified. One little mistake you make continually is pussy-footing around your prose by using passive words, like, ‘could be’, ‘began to’, and ‘had been found’. Take the latter: “Endillas had been found five years ago by a band of slave catchers at the edge of a forest . . .” Here all you have to do is move the clauses around to rid the sentence of the superfluous… Like: Five years ago, a band of slave catchers found Endillas at the endge of a . . . See how the sentence becomes much more active? Look through your work for these weak words and simply play with the clauses in your sentences. You’ll be surprised at how easy it is!
I really liked the imagery and sentiment behind this sentence: “Up high in the heavens, the moon said its last farewells, looming threateningly above the sun, as if telling her that he would return.” Well done!
“Too well, he realized as anger erupted inside him and flowed through his veins, seeming to burn his insides from the pain.” A word of caution here, watch how many times you use pronouns in your sentences; try to edit some of them out. Quite often they can simply be replaced by descriptive words, such as: ”Too well, he realized as burning anger erupted inside myriad pulsating blue veins which seemed to burn pain deep inside.” That’s off the top of my head and I’d fiddle with it more, but it’s okay for an example.
Good luck with your writing and I look forward to watching you progress!
—Mary Louise
Your beginning was one tha caught my attention immeadiatly and kept it through the whole Chapter – a trait which I feel is need for all stories.
I feel that this story has amazing potential to be published, something I hope you’ll work toward.
I hope you continue writing and enjoy what you are doing.
This could be a lot better if you went back and took out the passive voice phases in it.
there are a lot of grammer errors, but nothing that can”t be changed.
If you use the spelling and grammer checker with style you’ll see what I mean.
Watch you fragment sentenaces like:
I’m going to kill Raya. Instinctively blaming his predicament on his only friend.
Try something like:
I’m going to kill Raya, instinctively blaming his predicament on his only friend.
You’re on the right track.
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