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Journal, Diary, & Blogging / A Saturday Night On Ice
Thanks to the kindness of some good friends, I had the opportunity to visit Staples Center this past Saturday night and watch, of all things, a professional hockey game. Los Angeles Kings vs. Minnesota Wild.
Yup, this zealous sports partisan, militantly registered in the Baseball Party (The REAL G.O.P.) sat amongst the curious species known as Fannus Hockeyus.
So, after a brief visit to the concession stand (Nachos and a Large Coke for $47.50! Such a deal!!), we trudged to our seats.
We were fortunate enough to be within the first 15 rows on the lowest level, just off of the center line. Absolutely brilliant seats. Quite possibly, the best seats I’ve ever had to watch any sporting event of any kind in my life. Close enough to get really involved in the game yet high enough up to grasp the overall scale of the contest. Perfect.
As is my way, I sat with arms folded, quizzically studying my newfound environs, being far more content to observe my surroundings, as opposed to participating in them. This is my preferred mode, as many of you already know. I find it far better to observe than to brainlessly dive into the hype-driven chaos that the light show, sound system, and people around me were imploring me to join. Gather information, THEN decide. Don’t be a friggin’ sheep.
Anyway, the Kings’ opponents on this eve were the Minnesota Wild. So arises Problem One.
WILD?? What kind of name for a team is that?? As any real sports fan knows, a REAL team’s name MUST end with the letter “s.” The only exceptions allowed are those sanctified by tradition. So, fans of baseball’s Chicago White Sox and Boston Red Sox, consider yourselves reprieved. You’ve been spelling your teams’ names with an “x” at the end for a very long time so, you get a pass. It’s still silly but, this is sports. Tradition counts for a whole bunch.
Anyway, adjectives SHOULD NOT be used for team names. Yes, I know that the word “wild” can be used as a noun but NO ambiguity of this sort is allowable for the name of a sports team. What’s next, the Minnesota Perturbed? How about the Minnesota Existential? Given the state of modern sports marketing, I’m anxiously awaiting the birth of the Minnesota Retarded. That might work. After all, it’s hockey. They’re already wearing helmets.
So, with shitty rock music blaring throughout the arena and over-done lighting shooting to and fro, the game began.
Now, it’s true what hockey aficionados say (all 17 of them): Hockey is much better in person. Television coverage of hockey does not allow the viewer to see the movement of all of the players at a given time. Specifically, there are guys darting in and out at great speed, trying to get open for a possible scoring pass and there really is, once your eye adjusts to the action, a real ballet going on which the prism of television can’t capture.
That leads to this point: These men are remarkable. Not only are they skating, but they are constantly adjusting their direction, stopping and starting at a dizzying pace. It’s not that they are always moving. That would be easier. They are always stopping with a great skid, adjusting, and going in a different direction.
So, think about a time when you were in a hurry to get somewhere and had to navigate through a crowd of people. Think about the many quick changes in direction you had to undergo. Think about the quick mental adjustments you had to do to plot your course. Now, imagine doing that wearing a pair of skates and going about 50 times faster. Yes, now you’re getting the idea. I was witness to a tremendous display of athletic durability and talent on this night. The speed was intoxicating.
Even so, watching a hockey game from my magnificent vantage point, there was much about the game which was lost in a sea of scrambling humanity. Especially close to the nets, the confused cloud of jumbled chaos made it difficult to see how a play happened or even, how a goal was scored. Too much “What’s going on?” or “Where’s the puck?” On one occasion, only when a guy who sits in a little box behind the action turn on his little red light, did the crowd know to cheer a goal being scored. That’s not good.
That’s a major flaw with hockey: Some goal scoring is obvious only when some minimum-wage Dingleberry behind the action turns-on a red lamp. Scoring needs to be obvious. We need to know exactly when in happens so we can spontaneously react. After all, even the dumbest fan knows when a Home Run happens.
Anyway, after this equally exhilarating and frustrating display, the third and final period ended in a tie with the score Kings 2, Wild (UGH!!) 2. When this happens in the National Hockey League, they play a 5-minute overtime period. It’s sudden-death. First team to score wins the game. Each team plays only four players on the ice, as opposed to the normal six (including the goaltender). Apparently, the thinking behind this is that fewer players mean more open ice which means a greater chance to score a goal.
My question to my more knowledgeable hockey companions was “Well, if they want more scoring, why not play four guys per side for the whole game, and not just for this overtime thing?”
“It’s always been five-on-five.” was the reply. Tradition. I can respect that.
Well, the Kings and the Adjectives went through this five-minute overtime and still, the 2-2 tie remained. Here’s where it gets screwy:
After this overtime period, the N.H.L. has something called a “shootout” period. This means that each team designates three players. The puck is placed at the center of the ice rink. A player from one team takes the puck and skates towards the opposing team’s goalie trying to score a goal unopposed. Then the other team gets the same chance against the other team’s goalie.It’s best of three then after that, the first to score without the other team’s guy scoring wins the game.
Thus arises Problem Two.
This is pure BULLSHIT.
This is a gimmick. I hate gimmicks.
It’s exciting, yes, but it detracts from the fundamentals of the game. A game should be decided based upon a team’s command of all aspects of the game and not just on the game’s flashiest trait.
I mean, would you settle a tied baseball game with a home-run hitting contest? No. Would you settle a tied basketball game with a 3-point shooting contest? No. Would you settle a tied golf match with a long-drive contest? NO!
Apparently, the Marketing Brainiacs who run the N.H.L. have instituted this ploy in the hopes of avoiding games ending in a tie, a common occurrence in hockey games for the bulk of the game’s history.
Now, I don’t like ties. Nobody likes ties. Everybody wants to see a game end with a winner and a loser. I totally understand that.
But, I’d rather see a tie than see a game ending with a gimmick which, to me, compromises the integrity of the game. But in today’s “market,” it’s gratification first! Screw integrity! Marketing uber alles!!
Anyway, on the basis of this “gimmick,” the Minnesota Descriptives ended up winning the cough game by a “score” of 3-2. Whoopee!
There are so many things about modern sports which are “gimmicky.” Modern sports spectators, thanks to the MTV mindset, are constantly bombarded with overblown music, obnoxious P.A. announcers, crass marketing, and artificial hype. At least make sure the actual game action maintains some level of integrity.
Alas, my humble plea turns out to be far too much to ask. Welcome to the 21st Century. Bullshit reigns.
So, my hockey night was basically very enjoyable. I witnessed genuinely brilliant athletes ply their trade. This great display alone would make me happily return to a professional hockey game. Unfortunately, they were undone, as many of us are in all walks of life, by instant gratification-minded marketing dorks, bent on creating an “experience,” as opposed to letting people simply enjoy something that can just be what it is.
Drop the puck!
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sarafarey reviewed Version 1 -
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I personally have never been to a hockey game so I would have been in the similar state you were in. The only exception being I don’t watch or attend other sporting events either. In my case I would have gone to be nice and thought the whole time thinking this is going to be a long night. Then the mention of the snack stand rip off I would have probably been pissy the rest of the night. I enjoyed the part about not knowing when a goal was made. Although the word dingleberry didn’t need to be capitilized. Then the reasoning of team names made me laugh. One has to question a lot of things about the NHL in my mind. I can remember the strike being a big deal a few years ago and because of it the poker scene took off. There seemed to be one overlaying criticism and that was the commericialism of sports taking away from the purity of games.
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thewritecareer reviewed Version 1 -
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I loved the sarcastic, truthful humor. (You had me at the price at the concession stand!)
To appreciate a hocky game is to actually go and watch one in person – you are right, the TV cannot give you all of the action.
The hockey players are indeed talented skaters. They do on skates what every other sports player does on his feet. Good for you for pointing this out.
Catastrophe reviewed Version 1 -
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Great read! Hockey is boring, boring, boring. I totally agree with you on the whole naming thing, and your parodies on the Wild were spot on. It’s like the Maple Leafs. Leafs? Gimme a break.
The remainder of your entry seemed to be something about instant gratification ruining the country, but I wasn’t getting anything out of it so I stopped reading. ;)
Good work.
Serenity46 reviewed Version 1 -
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Excellent read and well worded, in my country we dont see ice hockey on t.v. or go to games as we dont have it. So reading this gave me a small idea. “Alas, my humble plea turns out to be far too much to ask. Welcome to the 21st Century. Bullshit reigns” what an exciting line love the way you summed up all the outer interference in what could have been the enjoyable game.
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