Poetry / There's a rat in the ivory cellar.

There’s a rat in the ivory cellar.
(c) Jake Spatz.

This is the engine of the imagination
where busted trumpets cry,
stuffed cats close their eyes when you do,
mannequins really court one another and swoon.

Listen: the gong of a grandfather clock
that was repossessed, now years ago, and lost;
gaze at the shadows, brilliant, plush, and dark
there in the full-length pleats of a corduroy dress.

Smell the aromas of spring all over your face,
take in a sky with the color of wheat;
walk with an armful of lemons and lace
down to the pier, let the pelicans eat.

Burrow your mind straight into the empire sun
and blink your wet eyes at the evening;
carol a prayer already begun,
and laugh before breakfast strong as a renegade ram,

for this is the dead vivid seashell
that budges in place to shatter the surf for miles:
this is the wisecrack philosophers tell
their loves, kissing them right in the smile.

Here lies the power that powers the arm
and angles the flower that gleams;
this is the pitch of the soul yearning form,        
and this is the prizefighter dead in his dreams.

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WhippedButter avatar General Stranger

February 13, 2007

WhippedButter

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
WhippedButter reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

     I liked this poem.  I even bookmarked it so I could come back to it.  
     This piece is very positive yet steers clear of cliches and sentimental language.  It relies on its thorough descriptive metaphor.
     And with that being said, I think there are weeknesses in the third and fourth stanzas, individually.
     In the third stanza “smell the aromas of spring…” automatically invokes sensations in the reader.  And although wheat only refers to the color of the sky and the lemons to walkig to the pier these, for me, are things associated with late summer.  It makes it seems anachronistic to me for some reason.
     In the fourth stanza empire sun makes me think, maybe falsly but nonetheless, of the Orient, the East The empire of the rising sun, and in the next sentence we’re blinking our eyes at the evening.  Now, if this is a progression from sun rising to sun setting, then it might need to be more descript.  If not, then it, again, pulls the reader away from your intended time frame.
     Over-all this is a good poem, and I, 9/10 times, don’t respond well to end-rhyme.  Good luck.

StutheRabbit avatar General Friend

January 10, 2007

StutheRabbit

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
StutheRabbit reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

Wow.  This is pretty impressive.  I think it’s got great hopes of publication with a little more work.  I love the imagery, and the exactness of the details.  Especially the first two stanzas and the seashell that shatters the surf for miles.

The first problem I have is the style seems a little inconsistent.  There is an aural quality to the beginning that works very well, but there really aren’t any rhymes per se.  Then, especially in stanzas 3,5 and 6, we get a very lyrical Auden-esk quality.  (reminds me very much of “As I Walked Out One Evening”) I like the idea of using this too, but I really think you need to pick one or the other.  

The second major thing that I think needs attention is the number of commands are going on, and how quickly they follow one another…listen, gaze, smell, take, walk, burrow, blink, carol, laugh, and all in 3 stanzas.  It is just too much.  Not that a lot of them don’t evoke great imagery (especially burrow and carol), it’s just I think the poem would really benefit from dropping a few, or spreading them out, but definitely making them softer.  For instance, I think the second stanza would be more interesting if instead of gazing at the dress, the green corduroy pleats (for some reason I imagined an emerald dress in my mind) swallow the sound from the grandfather clock.  This way you are still drawing the reader’s eye where you want it to go, without actually having to say hey! look at this! (ok that was crude but you get my point).

One more minor thing I would work on is cutting out some unneccessary words.  Though there aren’t many, one spot that came to mind was the first line, which I think would read better as “This is the engine of imagination.” Other than that, this is a very solid piece and I’m almost jealous I didn’t write it myself. Best of luck, and I look forward to seeing what else you come up with.  

Syntax avatar General Stranger

January 09, 2007

Syntax

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
Syntax reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

I must say, for nearly all of this I loved it. There are a couple edits I can see it needing, mainly with the final lines of stanzas- it throws off the rythm, in a few of them. For the first Stanza:
I loved the first line; “This is the engine of the imagination” it was almost simple, yet ‘imaginative’ and very non-cliche. I adored it, as an opening line. The second line “where busted trumpets cry” threw it off into a bit more clashy style;  which is my personal favorite.  Yet it, too was simple and accurate.  The third line “stuffed cats close their eyes when you do” is evocative, and full of perfected imagery- although it could perhaps be more clear. It made me read it twice, but it didn’t quite disrupt the flow. It’s good.  The last line “mannequins really court one another and swoon” was very nice- but the flow was terrible. It made me stop reading, and jarred me off of the pleasant read; I love clashy poetry, throwing you from one subject to another abruptly, but this was very flowy,and then jarred me. I would consider rewording the last line, although I do love the imagery.
The second stanza
“Listen: the gong of a grandfather clock
that was repossessed, now years ago, and lost;
gaze at the shadows, brilliant, plush, and dark
there in the full-length pleats of a corduroy dress.”
was much the same- the imagery and pictures it presented were beautiful- but the last line once again jarred me off track.  Perhaps this is your aim? If so, I’m not very agreeable with your methods- perhaps it’s just me. I still adore this piece, though.
The third stanza was gorgous-
“Smell the aromas of spring all over your face,
take in a sky with the color of wheat;
walk with an armful of lemons and lace
down to the pier, let the pelicans eat.”
it flowed splendidly and had wonderful imagery.
I wish I could write more, but I’m at School, and I must get back to work.
I hope to read much, much more of your work.
I must applaud you.
Have a good day!

brokenhand avatar General Stranger

January 09, 2007

brokenhand

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brokenhand reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

There are some amazing vivid images here but that’s pretty much it.  At least you have that to work with.  Unless you were going for just sensory overload, I don’t know what this poem is trying to acheive and every poem has an agenda no matter how mundane or how extravagant.  You’ve gone extravagant but you still have given me no story or consistant feeling throughout the poem.  I also think that you should decide whether or not you are going to have a traditional rhyming poem or a free verse poem.  You are mostly writing in free versse but you have the poem set up formally with even stanza’s and end stops, and sometimes you even slip into formal rhyme.  I hate to be the badger, but I think you need to pick. In my opinion this poem would look and flow better if you took it out of this constrained form and broke the line more intentionally than just out of custom.  This way whatever rhyme you do have can remain and become internal and enjammed which is more interesting.
Nice images.

cynical_terror avatar General Stranger

January 03, 2007

cynical_terror

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cynical_terror reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

I really enjoyed the sound of this poem, the way the words worked together. It was beautiful but it wasn’t just beautiful. There was always something there that was twisting around and forcing me to continue reading.

I loved this line, “stuffed cats close their eyes when you do,”. That’s some great imagery.

Loba avatar General Friend

January 03, 2007

Loba

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
Loba reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

I don’t have any suggestions for a change, This is a very strong piece, and here’s why:
The opening line serves its highest function because it sounds great and makes an interesting proposal creating a question for the reader “what is the engine of the imagination?” makes the reader think”I have to find out”.
The progression of description, language, and premises is very steady. Each stanza is consistent in quality there isn’t one that stronger or weaker than another. This means that the reader is consistently engaged in the piece.
Most of the lines may seem tangential, but i think it’s like a landscape painting with each stanza focusing on a particular area or scene. The images are clear and graphic because your use of imagery is very lush without being excessive. Every description is more necessary than decorative.
The ending is a bit abrupt. The poem sort of stops more than ends. It’s like almost falling off a cliff or stopping short avoiding an accident, I feel this aids the mood of the poem, but could be tweaked to make it more palatable to a general audience.
Well done. This is a high quality poem. Your dedication to the craft is evident in every line.

DamondQuinn avatar General Stranger

January 03, 2007

DamondQuinn

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
DamondQuinn reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

To start of I would like to say you have great imagination and wonderful word play. I love to read unannounced twist in pieces. The idea of “There’s a rat in the ivory cellar” I contemplated on the title and came up with a parallel of one that was “god uses jackasses” or a “cinderella story” so in this I began to read. Now my idea stayed true in certain stanzas but dissipated within others. I struggled to see where you were going due to the fact that I lost my self. I also felt like certain images were great in placement and others were incomplete ideas. For instance: you wrote” This is the engine of the imagination
where busted trumpets cry” and I thought Oh how amazing, then there was “and laugh before breakfast strong as a renegade ram” and I thought what does that mean? I think your an amazing writer but like all of us there is always editing that we could do. So here you drew me in, then lost me, then you brought me back and left me wanting to read more after your ending.

Snurp avatar General Stranger

January 03, 2007

Snurp

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lynsey avatar General Stranger

January 03, 2007

lynsey

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beatnocity avatar General Stranger

January 03, 2007

beatnocity

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jakespatz avatar

jakespatz

Age: 32
Loc: Arlington, VA
Gen: M
Last Login: September 16
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