Thnx for the review. Over time I constantly revise my work and there is already another version of this chapter which, though does not really change in composition, contains further information not avail before. I won’t be posting the current revision as I do not wish to bore people with having to re-read it too many times.
I understand what you mean by lack of dialogue, but the book does have dialogue; just not reached it yet in the context of the storyline.
I understand about the flow of the sentences but what I try to do, when I write, is to immerse myself in the character and situation and, as events develop I try to react to them as if I was the character (even a dragon! lol), and, in doing so I find I can be thinking about one thing, and then suddenly leap to something else – because the situation forces me too. Over time, and re-editing, I try to get a better flow, but ultimately these ‘jumping from one point onto another’ are the dialogue of the mind of the beast. That prob doesnt make much sense, so apologies if it seems like a ramble.
I do hope, that over time, I will improve in these areas, where required.
Thnx again for your review.
The item you were looking for was deleted.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / The Truth of the Dragons (sample, Intro)
Chapter 1 – Treasure and the Hourling
Lightning bolted through the dark, night sky, ripping into a tall, mighty oak tree, sending shards of flaming debris scattering into the air, and illuminating the grim, rain-battered forest.
Grafee Gendusfraune coiled her huge scale-covered body around in an arc, ensuring she placed her own body between her precious treasure and any possible falling tree that may come crashing, trying to destroy that treasure.
Her tired muscles tensed, as she awaited the tell-tale grating sound that would denote the tumbling of some mighty tree amidst the forest. No sound came, save the continual barrage of rain that pounded against her armoured skin, beating a staccato beat amongst the swirling, gusting winds.
She tried to slow her breathing, conscious that hard breathing on her part may agitate the fire-balls in her throat, and these, in turn, could inform the pursuing humans where she was hiding; trying to protect her treasure.
The surrounding forest became quiet again, as the last of the flaming pieces of a once-proud oak tree were extinguished by the hammering rain, and the damp forest floor that they landed upon.
Grafee Gendusfraune relaxed her muscles again, and became instantly aware of the muddy, forest floor; which made her progress so difficult. She cursed her own misfortune, and the human barbarians that hunted her and her treasure, because, under normal circumstances, she could simply have taken to the air to elude the humans that followed; but these were not normal circumstances!
Her ears strained, seeking any tell-tale sign of the pursuing humans, and her deep green eyes pierced the trees surrounding her, looking for any sign of a flame that flickered wildly in the wind; for that flame would be upon a torch carried by the humans. All around her remained dark, and the only noise was the continual battering of the rain as it plunged to dance upon her armour.
Suddenly, a small movement to her right caught her attention. Her huge head swung around, her eyes piercing the darkness, but she could discern no distinct shape to show her if ‘whatever’ had made the noise was a danger to her, or her treasure.
She emitted a row, rumbling snarl to warn away any nearby creatures, letting them know that she was there, aware of their presence, and ready to do battle should they come any closer.
There had been no loud noise from the area that she had detected the movement, and her immediate fear was that humans were nearby, slowing creeping toward her position, preparing themselves for a mad, barbaric onslaught, of which she, and her treasure, were the intended target.
Grafee Gendusfraune had no choice, she knew, as she began to gently agitate the fireballs in her throat. She could feel the rumbling pressure beginning to mount within her stomach, and so she sought to quell that rumbling. She did not require a mighty, flaming, thunder ball at the moment, she merely required what her own kind referred to as a ‘Firefly;’ a small fireball, that needed neither mass to drive it hard at an enemy, nor leaping flames to ensure that ‘what it stuck’ was turned into a flaming, burning, victim of her aggression!
The murmuring in her throat was beginning to challenge her concentration. Her mouth opened a little and she coughed out of her mouth a firefly flame. The small burning ember shot forward in the direction that Grafee Gendusfraune had detected movement, and immediately illuminated the rain-soaked, trunks of trees that were in that direction.
Grafee Gendusfraune was fearful of the ominous vision of humans appearing before her. She knew that the humans knew that she was vulnerable. She had her treasure to protect and, because of that, the humans knew she could not charge at them. Grafee Gendusfraune could not leave her treasure undefended, and that gave the humans the advantage; they could attack her from a distance, hiding behind trees, rocks, or any shelter that they could find.
Without a treasure to protect, Grafee Gendusfraune would be free to let her temper and anger take control of her battle rage. She could use the sky, hurl fireballs, and claw at the humans; if only she never had her treasure to protect!
Her giant head twitched as she saw an outline. The firefly ember landed in the damp foliage, continuing to burn, fighting against the falling rain, and there, silhouetted against the dark, Grafee Gendusfraune saw her adversary! To her relief she saw that it was not a human who stood there!
Her adversary stood quite still, its eyes focused on the bulk of dragon before it! Grafee Gendusfraune suppressed a small chuckle, as her immediate fears left her. She had nothing to fear from her adversary, it was simply a young deer; lost and alone in the dark forest night.
It was no adversary, but it was a welcome meal!
Grafee Gendusfraune’s eyes pierced the eyes of the fawn, and she hoped her firefly would keep burning long enough for her to be able to draw the fawn toward her, to get the fawn into striking range; for she could not hunt the fawn and leave her treasure unattended, she had to draw the fawn toward her!
The fawn, transfixed by the stare of the dragon, hesitantly turned to face the dragon, and slowly, with its legs betraying it, it began to slowly walk toward the huge dragon which lay upon the ground in front of it.
The meek and petrified fawn slowly approached the bulk of the beast, and continued walking until it stood facing the mighty jaws of the dragon. The fawn halted, the hot breath of the dragon almost burning its eyes, so much so that it was forced to blink against the pounding heat emitted from the towering, ravenous, tooth and fang ridden mouth that hung before it.
The dragon lifted her head upwards, stretching her neck, preparing her mouth to strike downward upon her prey; her easy meal!
Alleviating her gaze from the fawn allowed the fawn to break free of the hypnotic stare that had brought the fawn to the place it now stood, confusedly wondering how it got there.
The fawns’ legs were trembling, for so strong, and strange and sinister, were the scents and odours that crawled from skin of the dragon in front of her!
Grafee Gendusfraune lowered her gaze to look down upon the fawn, surveying the timid and lost creature that trembled before her. She blew out a hot breath toward the fawn, the embers in her throat, gently illuminating the creature; reflecting in the creature wide, fear fed eyes.
With her jaw open she allowed the fireballs in her throat to illuminate the fawn in front of her. She waited for the moment when the fawn would realise its predicament and would try to flee; that was the moment when the dragon would strike.
She continued to stare at the fawn and watched it turn its head around, looking in all directions in the dark night, trying to see a way out, a way to safety; but there was none. Then, on unsteady legs, it turned and began to walk away. The unsteadiness of the fawns walking told Grafee Gendusfraune that the fawn was fresh born and, as she inhaled the scent of the fawn, she could smell the dampness of birth blood that still stuck to the young fawn’s body!
Grafee Gendusfraune raised her head and gaze and looked into the surrounding trees. Where was the fawns mother or father? The fawn had no chance of survival being alone in the forest, so where were its parents?
Grafee Gendusfraune returned her attention to the fawn and, as she gazed back upon it, she was shocked to see what the fawn had done! The fawn had dared to lie beside her treasure!
The dragons head lifted a little on one side as she gazed upon the audacity of the young creature; an innocent creature, for surely only innocence could be so audacious in the face of a hungry dragon!
The fawn was lying beside Grafee Gendusfraune’s treasure, snuggling up to it for warmth; or was it providing warmth?
The fawn gave a shudder as a lightning flash burst over head, quickly followed by a deep rumble in the sky.
Grafee Gendusfraune’s attention was so taken in by the fawn’s behaviour that she totally ignored the first shouts that informed her that she had been located by the pursuing humans. She stared at the fawn, watching it as it tried to encircle her treasure with its own body, and finally laying its neck across the top of the treasure, protecting it.
Grafee Gendusfraune was transfixed by this sight, for she knew that her treasure was safe from any possible damage that could be inflicted by any hourling fawn! She was so transfixed that she never noticed the first barbarian arrows that bounced and ricocheted upon her armour.
Another arrow bounced upon her neck armour, drawing her attention to her immediate problem; the humans! Her neck was a place that was vulnerable, in certain parts, to the throws of spears and arrows, and she could not risk injury to herself because that would ultimately lead to danger or death for her treasure!
Lightning erupted overhead, malicious growls of thunder rang out through the skies, and the unending onslaught of rain continued to pummel everything in its path!
She raised her huge bulk from the muddy forest floor, and stood, her body beginning to turn to face in the direction from which the human arrows came flying.
She had hoped that the humans would not have found her so quickly; giving her time to rest. For three days they had pursued her. For three days she had kept herself moving, taking small flights, clutching her treasure, knowing that should human arrows come her way that she would not be able to protect her treasure. One well-aimed arrow, or one accidental arrow, could seek purchase upon her vulnerable treasure and then, in an instant, her treasure would be lost!
She recalled her first encounter with the humans three days before. She had returned to her cave to discover her treasure had been taken! Not damaged, not destroyed, but taken! Only humans took dragon eggs and, even if she had not known that, the lingering human smell in her cave would still have led her to the same conclusion.
As another arrow bounced from her armour, the same way that the rain collided and bounced back into the air, she recalled how she took to the skies in anger when she discovered her treasure had been stolen. She did not have to travel far before she came across a group of humans riding upon carts, horse drawn, and as she swooped lower to gaze better upon them, to see what was in the carts, a stream of arrows had come hurtling toward her. She did not have to see her treasure in the cart to know it was there! Humans, on most occasions, are afraid of dragons and would not dare provoke one, never mind fire upon one!
The humans had something that they were protecting, and they would fight a dragon to keep it! Grafee Gendusfraune knew that it was her treasure that they had, and she knew they would be determined to keep it!
And so a battle ensued in which some of the humans died, some fled, and some were injured. She had managed to snatch her treasure, but not before it was damaged! Her treasure has suffered a small crack, not going wholly through the shell, but enough to weaken it; possibly enough to destroy the life inside!
She had managed to get away from the humans, but they must know that they had a chance of re-taking her treasure; and destroying her. They had to have guessed that the dragon had problems, because a dragon would stay till the end of a battle, or the end of its life; whichever came sooner! But she had fled with her treasure, leaving humans alive, and the humans guessed that the dragon was somehow impaired, and so they had given chase.
What the humans did not know was the dragon was not physically impaired through injury, only impaired because her decisions had to be based on the need to protect her treasure. Dragons only had one egg, one ‘Dragonling,’ every seventy years; this was not something she would give up lightly; neither to humans or any beast!
She raised her shoulders, her neck, to face her pursuers. All she could do was to defend the egg; protect her treasure. She had to place herself between the humans and her treasure. She had to hope that she could destroy all the humans, or at least send them in retreat, by standing in the same position, hoping that none of their arrows or spears would strike a tragic blow to the fleshy parts of her body.
She rasped her throat, agitating the fireballs, while her eyes peered into the darkness, seeking her first target!
This would be a final battle between herself and this band of humans. There would be only one victor and, for her treasures sake, she hoped that she would be the victor!
There was the light of torches further back in the forest, and these lights were dim, almost obscured by the rain. She knew humans where there but, more importantly, she knew that there were humans who were much closer than the distant flickering torches.
Humans would be sneaking up upon her, under cover of the trees and plants that made up the forest. They would be getting as close as they dared before trying to strike with their arrows or spears, hoping to catch her off guard and, in doing so, landing a fatal blow to her body.
Grafee Gendusfraune forced her eyes to peer into the darkness around her; into the immediate bushes and amongst the tree trunks, seeking purchase upon any sign of a human attacker.
If it were not for the darkness she would have had a chance to see them! If not for the hammering rain she would have a chance to hear them!
She growled in her throat, turning ‘fireflies’ into ‘molten moths,’ and swung her head savagely toward the left as she thought she heard a noise, a noise not entirely made by the rain hammering upon the surrounding vegetation.
Her head rested, facing in that direction she had turned her head toward, and she was aware of the rain hammering along her face, bouncing back up from her armour plated skin, causing her vision to blur!
She could hear the rain hammering the nearly leaves, threatening to pulverise them back into the soil from which they had come!
The darkness was absolute in the direction in which she stared and, she knew, that would be perfect cover for skulking humans; they would not want to risk being silhouetted by the light from the torches burning behind them.
Grafee Gendusfraune wanted to throw fireballs hurtling into the forest around her but she had not eaten well of late, and only had a limited amount of fire and flame with which to defend herself and her treasure.
She made to take a step toward where she had heard the noise emerge and then froze. She dare not leave her treasure unattended, unprotected! Her head swung around to look beside her and, dimly, she could discern the shape of her treasure all but covered up by the fawn.
Another noise crackled through the rain, coming from the same direction in which she had been peering a second before.
Grafee Gendusfraune tensed her muscles and kept herself still, her eyes remaining fixed upon her treasure and the fawn. She waited just a few seconds more and then, it came; another noise from that direction!
As lighting strikes, so too did Grafee Gendusfraune! She swung her immense body around and, in the same fluid movement, she pushed off with her hind legs, launching herself into a giant leap that carried her all the way across the edge of the small clearing, her massive body landing upon and amongst bushes; young saplings cracked and broke but two huge trees remained standing though, Grafee Gendusfraune could tell, that her bulk had shook them mightily!
She swung her head savagely from side to side, her skin rasping against branches and leaves, and her eyes glared, looking for a sign of what had caused the noises that she had heard.
Nothing moved, and no sound came save the continual persistent battering of the rain; upon the leaves around her, and upon her own skin.
Human torches glowed faintly in the distance, off to one side, and she could hear a few shouts muffled by the weather; but knowing they were directed at her.
Grafee Gendusfraune suddenly smelt blood! Blood is a powerful smell, and dragons are keen to pick up this scent!
Her nostrils flared, hauling in more of the tiny particles, trying to determine the source!
Grafee Gendusfraune swung her head around to the right and there, a glinting appeared in the night. The glinting was close to her.
Her neck stretched further around, her nostrils seeking the scents in the air, and then she halted.
The glinting was attached to the top of a rain-battered spear and the spear was held in the hand of a human!
Grafee Gendusfraune could see the outline of the human, she could smell him strong, and she saw that he never moved. The rain careered over his naked torso, and dim light, from the faraway torches, cast light upon the contours of his chest and face.
Grafee Gendusfraune was initially surprised by the lack of movement from the human. Why had he not shouted, thrown his spear, or ran shrieking into the darkness around him?
Grafee Gendusfraune realised that human could do none of these for he was dead. He was standing, and he was dead!
He was standing because the bulk of Grafee Gendusfraune had landed and, by accident and not design, her bulk had pinned the human against one of the mighty trees that she had landed against.
The evil human was crushed by her bulk; crushed before he could shout, or throw his spear; and before he had a chance to allow his miserable life to flash past before his eyes!
Grafee Gendusfraune moved her bulk away from the tree and the human remained standing for a moment before he slowly toppled over and fell down onto the soil, becoming completely lost from view by the swampy darkness that hugged the ground.
Her treasure! As it coming out of a daze Grafee Gendusfraune suddenly turned, crushing plants and bushes, and, crouching low, keeping her neck low, she moved back out in the clearing; back toward her treasure!
An arrow bounced from her face, just behind her eye, and she knew she had been lucky! She swung her head in the direction the arrow had appeared to come from, raised her head, throttling the back of her throat, charging up a fireball, and she spat!
A huge fireball, larger than she wanted – for she had to conserve her fireballs – went hurtling into the trees. Grafee Gendusfraune saw the flame’s core bounce upon the bark of a tree, momentarily illuminating it, and then watched it bounce from another tree before finally falling to rest upon the floor, where it continued to burn, causing an orange glow to appear on the ground.
It also caused anger in Grafee Gendusfraune for she had wasted a great amount of fire material in that missile! She had wasted material she could ill afford to waste!
Grafee Gendusfraune let out a deep sigh, a sigh that’s grief was lost within the dark and rain battered night. She began to doubt that she would be able to protect her treasure. It was a depressing thought that came to Grafee Gendusfraune, as she began to consider the possibility that she would not be able to beat this band of humans. She did not feel sorry for herself, because she knew that she would die well, it was the way of dragons; no, she was sorry for the life that she had not been able to protect, her treasure!
Perhaps her treasure was already lost, perhaps the damage to the shell had been enough to destroy the tiny life within, and perhaps she had wasted all this effort for nothing, perhaps her treasure had already been stolen from her by grim death himself!
Grafee Gendusfraune shook her head, causing small waves of rain water to shoot away and be lost amongst the tumultuous downpour that reigned around her!
Perhaps she did not deserve her treasure if she was so wild and unthinking in her use of fireballs; her only real protection and the only thing that could defend her treasure!
No wait! It had not been a waste! There, silhouetted against the orange glow of her fireball, Grafee Gendusfraune saw the figure of another human; crouched over, and moving rapidly away from the glowing embers.
The fleeting shadow was suddenly gone and, as she gazed harder into the inky blackness, a spear loomed in the sky and, in turning her head to protect her eyes, the spear caught a glancing blow upon some of the soft skin beneath her jaw.
Grafee Gendusfraune screamed in pain! Another spear collided with her side and bounced harmlessly off and back into the night!
The humans were getting closer and braver. She shook her head, trying to shake the pain out of her jaw, as an arrow slammed into her neck, caught tight between her scales, but not penetrating far enough to break her skin beneath!
She could see the glows of the human torches burning brighter in the forest and, she knew, the humans were becoming more confident! They had her demise in sight, and they were coming in to paint her a portrait of peace! A resting peace!
Feeling low and miserable she turned her head to gaze in the direction of her treasure and had to wait a moment before a lightning flash lit up the area enough for her to see clearly.
He treasure lay wrapped in the body of the fawn and, for a moment, pity went out to not just her treasure but to the fawn! The fawns’ body shook mightily with the cold and rain, and she knew that ‘just as her treasure deserved her mother,’ so too did the fawn deserve its own mother!
Anger flared in her nostrils and throat, and Grafee Gendusfraune let rip a huge piercing scream that roared into the night; without planning it she had uttered a war cry! The treasure needed to be protected, but no longer would Grafee Gendusfraune try to defend her treasure with defence; instead she would use attack!
Somehow the presence of the fawn, almost completely concealing her treasure, made her feel that her treasure had at least some protection; though small it would be enough to allow Grafee Gendusfraune a little rope with which she could manoeuvre and face the humans.
She had no choice but to leave her treasure buried, almost, in the rain soaked body of the fawn.
Arrows flew close to her face, and she knew that they were many others but because of the weather and night she could neither hear them nor see them.
Her neck lunged forwards and upward, a second war cry roared from her mouth and she knew, even if the humans did not, that this was the war cry of one who is going into a final battle, unsure if they would survive; going into battle with no thought for their own safety, merely the desire to destroy as many enemy as possible before her own demise!
Sinews tightened and released and Grafee Gendusfraune launched herself into the air, her great wings remained folded close to her body, her forelegs stretched out, her claws seeking purchase on anything that belonged to her ancient enemy!
Grafee Gendusfraune landed with a huge crashing, that was comprised of crushed saplings, branches, and other fauna; but she was disappointed not to hear the sound of a dying human! She had hoped that where she landed she would have crushed another of her enemy.
She detected no spears or arrows coming toward her, such had been her sudden burst of speed and, she suddenly realised, it would be hard for the humans to attack her if she were amongst the trees, as the trees themselves would be an obstacle for the humans.
Why had she never thought of that before? Why had she laid in a clearing and defended herself while the humans hid in the cover of the trees and bushes? Why had she always attacked from the sky when it was only herself that was visible to her enemy?
Taking heart of a newly self-discovered tactical advantage Grafee Gendusfraune’s spirits felt a little uplifted and, as voices of the humans could be heard calling around her, she chose the direction of the ones that were nearest and leapt in that direction.
Her leap was high, and thick branches intruded upon her flight but these snapped against her bulk, and merely slowed her attacking leap a little.
She crashed to the ground and, using every piece of light available around her – the torches of the humans, the lightning in the sky – she swung her head trying to locate just one of her enemy.
She saw nothing save the wet trunks of trees, and the dark outlines of many bushes, plants, and distant trees. No enemy!
She twisted her body in the confines of the few mighty trees around her and, when she saw a gap though them, she leapt again.
As her bulk heaved through the air and she could hear the shouts of humans; she knew that she was somewhere amongst a group of them.
She landed, her clawed feet seeking purchase in the mud and leaves that littered the floor. She raised her head swinging to the left and, in a single lightning flash, she saw a movement! A human had leapt behind the cover of a young tree and, even now, they would be preparing an arrow to fire, or a spear to throw!
Lowering her chest to the floor Grafee Gendusfraune swung her huge scaled tail away from the direction of the human and then, spring-like, she swung it back, ensuring that it carried in its wake the bushes, and branches, and small trees that where in its path; ensuring she drove them toward the tree that the treasure killer hid behind.
The forest debris collided with, and around, the tree and the human shape came stumbling around the far side of the trunk.
Grafee Gendusfraune twisted her body almost completely around to face him, ensuring she did not lose sight of him in the dark night and, allowing her neck to carry her head further than her torso she was suddenly confronted by the evil human.
The human looked up in the face of the beast that stood before him; the beast that he had tried to kill, and never knew that the dragons face would be the last thing that he ever saw!
Grafee Gendusfraune let rip a fireball that hurled from her throat and smashed clean into the face of the human, sending him toppling backwards, forgetting his weapon as his hands tried to rip at the molten magma-like substance that clung to his face. The human could not even scream as he slammed into the ground, writhing in agony.
Grafee Gendusfraune chose that instant to leap once more, careering through the trees, eager in her pursuit of human prey! They would be sorry that they had even thought of trying to take her treasure!
Her leap brought her close to where the humans had set up a small camp and, from their fire, she used the light to search the trees nearest to her.
Her luck was in and it was also obvious that the human, who was trying to unload waste from his bowels behind a tree, did not think of himself as being remotely lucky!
A small run forward took Grafee Gendusfraune right up to the human and, in the dim light, she witnessed the fear he felt. A huge clawed forelimb raised and screamed back to earth and, in its journey, it tore the human almost clean in two. Both rancid portions of his body fell to the forest floor.
Sensing tingling, Grafee Gendusfraune spun around and was confronted by three more humans; they all held spears, long and keenly pointed spears that had a sole purpose of finding their way between a dragons scales and piercing its flesh.
Grafee Gendusfraune roared in defiance, knowing that these three knew that she could only attack one at a time and, while one would most certainly be prey, each of the other two would have a chance to use their keen spears with utmost efficiency.
Unsure of which one to attack first, Grafee Gendusfraune readied a fireball; furiously trying to determine which of the three humans was the closest. They had moved away from the shelter of large trees to ensure that they could get up close to her; they were spread out, ensuring that she could not hurl a giant fireball at the three of them.
As she saw them readying their weapons she knew that she must act!
Without thinking, and trusting to a new idea, she leapt forward, and spat a fireball, and another, and another. The three fireballs were spat whilst Grafee Gendusfraune turned her head, passing her eyes across the three humans.
They were only small fireballs, but she knew that the humans would still try to avoid their touch! And, as the humans did try to avoid them, she landed between two, turning immediately to face one, whilst her tail cut through the night seeking purchase upon the one who was now behind her.
She could not be sure that she made contact with the body of the one behind her but, as she stood face to face with the one before her, she leapt again, a short leap, but a high leap.
The human did not have chance to run as the bulk of the great beast landed squarely upon him.
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Reviews
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It is a fun read and I enjoyed your style so i’m happy to hear that you are not going to be changing it in the future. There were a few minor grammatical or spelling errors for example: ”...and she raced the rising sun; determined to find shelter while the rain and darkness held the land, only interrupted by lightning strikes that could strike her herself,” the “her herself” part of that did not make sense to me and after numerous rereads, it still catches me and throws me off everytime I read it.
Other than tiny stuff like that, I really enoyed it. I’m curious to see how you handle dialog further along during the course of your story.
Anyway, take care and good luck.
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The idea of a dragon’s version of a story is one with plenty of possibilities. I think the main problem with the work is that parts of it a laboured, a bit repetitive, and some of your language use is poor.
I know you said you are satisfied with your style and way of writing, and don’t want to make changes, but I’m afraid that if you don’t, you won’t get published.
The first sentence, in particular, was broken up by commas in a way that not only made little sense, but really seemed to have no purpose or explanation. If you intended this, I’d say it really does not serve whatever purpose you have, and definitely puts off a reader.
You seemed to go on at great length about trees crashing and the weather, without adding useful information. I got that there is a terrible storm.
The following, She tried to slow her breathing, conscious that hard breathing on her part may agitate the fire-balls in her throat and these, in turn, could inform the humans that where close by, of exactly where it was that she was hiding; trying to protect her treasure.
is a single sentence. I don’t have a problem with long setences as such, but this really is a run-on. Phrases like could inform the humans that where close by, of exactly where it was that she was hiding; are veryvery awkward.
You could have done so it so much more clearly, with fewer words.
She felt the burn of the fireballs, and knew she would have to calm her breathing. If she let flame escape, it would give her position away. They could not be allowed to find her treasure!
That says everything you said, sounds more natural, and is more active.
If you wanted to tart it up, you could say ”... calm the ragged gasp of her breath.” The point is, as you have written it, I lose interest. Good senence structure will help, but a more active voice will help a lot more.
The far too frequent use of ”treasure”, “humans” becomes tedious. We know the dragon cares about its treasure, know people are attacking it.
“The informed her” can always be turned into a more active phrase.
Things like “Grafee came descending downward” are simple redundancies. Others like _“With a sudden ripping, yank he hauled hard upon the fawn – surly breaking its leg ” show the same sort of weird puctuation found in the first sentence, and sound strange, even ignoring misspelling. Unfortunately, the piece is lttered with things like this.
I’ve given you a better rating than I might have, because I think there is a lot of value in the plot, and feel that if you went through and tightened the text, cutting it by as much as a third, you could actually have a very powerful story.
As I say, I liked hearing a story from the dragon’s side, and liked the fact that the dragon seems to have compassion for the fawn.
January 08, 2007
Deleted User
This piece of prose has a very interesting narrative perspective. It’s a kind of third-person objective viewpoint that I have never (quite) seen before.
On the positive side, it gives a unique look into the life of dragon(s. The descriptions are vivid and lifelike and reveal much of the “dragon culture” that you area trying to show. Also, you have achieved good empathy through this unique viewpoint.
However, I must say, that even though the writing itself is very good, the style is hard to swallow. The lack of balance between narrative and dialog is probably the biggest culprit here.
You are sitting on the beginnings of what appears to be a fantastic story. Your attempt to tell a story from the dragon’s perspective is admirable, and I DO think that you are being somewhat successful in your endeavor.
The style of doing this in third person isn’t giving your character the respect that it needs.
I would find a way to do one of the following.
1) Find a way to include some dialog form your character to allow for deeper/reacher development of personality.
2) consider changing the viewpoint to first person and let the reader come to better understand Grafee Gendusfraune through hearing her inner musings and by seeing the world and her conflicts through her own eyes.
I really think you have a great story going here… it’s just the presentation that makes it feel a little off. I can’t imagine if this were to turn into an entire novel of third person narrative.
Grammar is good, punctuation and structure is also good. The pacing is excellent, and the story does seem to have a bit of an early hook… after all it did manage to keep my attention.
I really think it could be amazing if told in first person. Of course, that is entirely your call.
I honestly look forward to seeing any additional material on this.
I know this seems to be more criticism than praise, but don’t let that get you down. I like your story just not the style. Good luck and never stop writing.
one thing i immediately noticed wa that there was no dialogue…which is interesting to experiment with, since i think dialogue isn’t exactly neccesary…but in the modern novel it is staple beyond questioning, and it would take some awfully masterful writing to be able to still write a story of merit with no dialogue or intimate interplay between characters…which i cannot say exactly for this piece…
one large problem is its composition…lots of sentences that are abrupt and sucinct…not too much flow…prose is a high art and one must consider this finer point, of making sentences bleed together, so words rise up out of the structure and into the reader’s mind…one example would be:
“The murmuring in her throat was beginning to challenge her concentration.”
this example from near the beginning i think shows what i mean…in the next sentence you’re onto another thought or aspect of her circumstance…which seems a little disjointed…
if you could somehow revise and make it flow a little better, and maybe fashion points where there could be at least some inner dialogue for the reader to have, then the story ought to be interesting…
January 01, 2007
Deleted User
Three words: I want more. You’re a brilliant imagery-ist (is that a word?) The only thing I saw that was wrong with it was the blatant overuse of the ”!” otherwise the story was flawless. Be sure to continue this story, you have a very unique view on dragons and I’m dying to know what happens next.
this is a good read. it hink the opening line is far too long for the reader to take in. you should try to break it up. “beating a staccato beat” using the same word in one sentence is never a good idea. “once-proud oak tree were extinguished by the hammering rain, or by the damp forest floor that they landed upon.” do you really need to give us so much information all ready? i dont know but to me it seems way too much too early. if you can restructure your sentences to read with more fluidity you’ll be onto a winner. i think the story is fantastic and was willing the dragon to escape with the treasure/egg. does she survive? if not i wonder who gets to look after the egg…is this going to be another eragon? hmm we can only wait and see. you show a good range of language skills and i look forward to reading the next chapter soon- keep it up
I thaught this was a very interesting piece. It contains much of what make this genre so effective and enjoyable.
You create a realistic alternative reality (if that is what it is) You write well and I think it shows how much effort and consideration has gone into this.
I would like to read more, so I will try and add you as a friend.
On another note. There were a few grammatical errors, but I can’t really be bothered to flag them up. They are not important and do not disrupt the flow of the story.
Overall I liked it alot. Well done and good luck for ‘07!!!!
Daniel
Honestly thie only problem I could find was the way that it was seperated here on urbis. Now I have had problems in the past converting a file from myspace to urbis where it did similar things. I really dont know if it was intentional or not but it made it kinda choppy to read. So as far as it goes thats what I would change. The rest is great.
December 29, 2006
Deleted User
This is wonderful. No serious mentions on any of the big parts (pace, grammar, dialogue) and all the details are wonderful and placed in the right spots.
But you say you are serializing this and have self-published something. What is this something, and are you selling any write now?
Oh, and what is your MySpace page?
its unusual, most things i read usually take the human point of veiw. But this is very good.
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