I’m writing in Third Person Omniscient – God-like; the narrator knows and sees everything, and can move from one mind to another. This is a standard writing device.
Malise sank lower into her curtsy; <—how is this telling and not showing you, she is sinking into a curtsy, I’m not going to go on about her knees bending or anything…...
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Unmagical Swords and Ringing Evocations (Work in Progress Title)
The castle was in a quiet uproar.
Search parties spread over every inch of its stone interior, from the wall walk behind the battlements, to the inner keep. Every able bodied person rallied to the situation. Even legless Jvarr the sword polisher, searched the enchanted lake in the centre of the castle courtyard, in his little rowing boat. He rowed quietly of course, keeping his oars deep in the water. Malise had ordered no noise was to be made. The search had to be conducted in whispers, with no shoes and only one candle per search party.
After several hours, the army of castle maids, scullery boys, maintenance men and cooks assembled before a sour looking lady. The head cook was jostled out to the front of the pack. Whispers of ‘Speak! Tell her,’ from the crowd pushed him forward.
‘Malise, we’ve searched high and low,’ he said, bowing timidly before the head lady in waiting and castle matriarch. ‘I even ceased dinner preparations to lead a party of my dishwashers into the deepest cellar, but we have found nothing.’
‘Nothing, nothing at all?’ scowled Malise. The crowd nodded.
Malise’s mouth puckered, ‘Well then, the time has come to take things a step further.’
The Master of Revels bashfully stepped forward, ‘Further? Are you sure it is a wise decision my lady? After we have so scrupulously avoided making noise these many hours?’
‘It seems that there is nothing else we can do,’ said Malise, shooting a withering glance at the crowd.
‘He will hear you!’ piped up a brave pot scrubber. Malise ignored him, and stalked into the throne room.
Malise carefully removed the heavy, jewel rimmed bull’s horn from its stand. Her eyes bulged as she puffed her cheeks and blew the Horn of Crisis.
The boom of the horn’s bellow filled the throne room, reverberating through the castle’s maze of corridors and passageways.
Malise hobbled up the steps stood on the throne dais. Arms crossed and foot tapping, she waited for the castle guards and soldiers to arrive from their posts and barracks. They rushed in, assembling before her in square formation.
‘Well, it’s happened once again,’ said Malise. The soldiers sighed.
Malise continued, ‘She does not seem to be in the castle. You have to search the kingdom thoroughly.’
‘Mam,’ said the captain of the guards, bowing respectfully. ‘Andora is a big kingdom, how can we possibly search all of it?’
‘She can’t have got far!’ snapped Malise. ‘I want half of you to search the city-town of Brynn. Brynn is the closest city-town; it’s most likely she is there. Also look through the towns of the Calder Province. If you don’t find her there, cross to the fields of Torr and search the farmer’s peat huts! You must find her!’ Malise stepped off the dais, and stood in front of the captain of the guards, her hooked nose an inch away from his.
‘Do not make any noise. Let the drawbridge down slowly and lead your horses over it quietly, rather than galloping across the wood like barbarians. He is not to know she may be outside the castle! Not a word of this to him or the Dracorb Knights, understand? Find her fast!’ Malise stepped away from the captain, and glared at the rest of the squadron. ‘Go on, what are you waiting for?’
The men quickly split into groups and exited the throne room, trying to march quietly. Malise hoisted her voluminous skirts above her skinny knees. With a surprising turn of speed for one so old, she sprinted down the walkway, towards the secret room in the castle wall. Perhaps the girl would be there. She must be found, before he realised she was missing. Oh, he would be so angry if he found out that she was hiding again.
Malise stopped, when she thought she was far enough from his quarters. ‘Princess Kelia Ea Draegonfyre!’ she called, ‘You had best show yourself! You know that the Vizier will not consider your status! The punishment will likely be worse than last time! Don’t you remember what happened?’
‘I remember’ said a voice from behind a patterned wall hanging.
Malise froze, her skin paled. Her big mouth dropped open at the sound of the voice. Years of ingrained court manners forced her shaking knees into a low, ingratiating curtsy. Malise finally rallied to the situation, ‘Your Lordship, most exalted Vizier, I did not realise you were in this part of the castle,’ she said, ‘else I would not have shouted. Please, please accept my most humble apologies.’ Malise knees still shook under her petticoats – she hoped the Vizier had not heard what she’d shouted about his inconsiderate nature.
‘Your indiscretion will not be overlooked Madam.’ The voice sizzled the words ‘Explain the cause of this commotion.’
Malise sank lower into her curtsy; her mask of composure crumpled with fear.
‘Your Mercy, oh Great One, the Princess is missing again. We think she has taken her brother with her, as the Princeling has also vanished! We have not found her yet, but we are still searching the castle. I have sent the soldiers out, we fear she may have escaped to the city-town of Brynn, like the last time…’
‘Silence! Madam, do you recall what I said would happen to you, if she managed to escape again?’
A trembling Malise nodded her head.
‘Now, not only have you let her run off, but she has escaped with the Princeling!’
‘Oh mercy, please have mercy!’ wailed Malise, dropping to her knees and grovelling on the stone floor before the tapestry.
It was no use. The voice hissed, and it was as if molten lead needled through her veins. Screaming with pain, Malise writhed spasmodically on the floor, thrashing around like a pinned worm. The Vizier laughed his hysterical childlike laugh.
‘Yes,’ he said, ‘young Kelia will find that the punishment worse than last time. Indeed, in her wildest imaginings, she would never guess what I have planned. The punishment will be far, far worse…’
A boy and girl ran into the wind, laughing, wild and breathless, playing a game of Chase. The boy’s firedrop encrusted cloak fell to the ground, but he kept running. ‘Stop! I need to catch my breath!’ said the tall girl. Bracing herself against a tree she doubled over, panting.
They had run down the hill on which sat the Castle Marden, bypassing the city-town of Brynn. They had run all through the valley to the edge of the grassy dale. Here, the line of trees marked where the dense woods of the mountain foothills began.
‘Should we go into the woods?’ asked Kelia, peering with apprehension into the gloomy gathering of Firs.
Her brother grinned and inched closer. He was a full two head taller than Kelia, his hair vivid red even in the twilight. He touched her arm, ‘Tag! You are it!’ he shouted in reply, before running into the shadows of the monstrous trees.
They found a glade with a pool of brackish water at its centre.
Pine and juniper trees circled the clearing and moonbeams danced along the pond’s ripples. Kelia perched on a mossy log, recovering from the long run, while her brother played nearby. The boy dropped his marble and started after it, in the direction of the pond.
‘Careful Benoni! Stay away from the water!’ said Kelia. The boy continued on after his rolling marble.
‘The pool is bound to be inhabited by an Unseelie Wight! The evil sprite will probably emerge soon!’
As if on cue, a small white horse appeared out of the lake. It glowed with an esoteric light, surrounded by luminous vapour. The Kelpie’s mane fluttered in the night’s cold wind and its long tail trailed silver on the ground. Benoni stared at the Unseelie Wight in awe.
‘Benoni, remember what I told you about the bad Water Horse Wight? Touch the Kelpie, with even a finger, and you will be stuck fast! It will plunge into the lake with you attached, dragging you down to its lair.’
The Kelpie whickered, and Benoni took a step closer to the pond, entranced with the little horse.
‘The only trace they would find of you would be your innards on the shore!’ shouted Kelia.
Benoni plucked up his marble and scurried back to the log where Kelia sat. He threw his gangly arms around her, burying his face in her soft cloak. His emotion embarrassed Kelia. Awkwardly, she put her arms around him and tentatively stroked his soft red hair.
‘Ignore it. If you don’t mount the Kelpie, it cannot harm you. Besides, I have a piece of steel in my pocket. Unseelie Wights can’t stand steel, it will keep us safe’ she said.
The horse pranced for Kelia and Benoni, to show them how beautiful he was, but he had lost his audience. Benoni happily tossed his marble into the air and caught it, laughing with glee. Kelia watched him, her smile hidden in the recesses of her fur hood. Benoni’s hair glinted under the moon rays, and she tried to reach out, to again feel the surprising softness of his hair.
He was oblivious to her efforts, bobbing his head while catching his marble. Benoni, unaware as always, of the outer world, lost in his childlike mind. Kelia put her hands over her eyes, to stifle the tears that would flow from her sudden whelm of sadness.
‘Maybe they won’t find us so quickly,’ she whispered hoarsely. ‘They wouldn’t think I would be brave enough to come here. Maybe this time, we will have more time together. If he only he could leave us alone, let us live in peace! Oh Benoni, by the Blessed Unysis I wish I could just pick you up and run away.’
Benoni turned at the sound of his name, grinning at Kelia before running off after his escaped marble.
‘If only it were so easy to end it all! Running is futile. No matter how far I run, he always finds me. He always does.’
Cupped in the hands of a woman, the Orbstone mirrored the scene playing out in the glade.
The woman was a three-foot high white marble statue. Her hands rose above her head to support the Orbstone, her mouth open in a silent scream.
An obsidian sword protruded from her chest, carved hilt deep between her breasts. Blood flowed from the wound, streaking down her black legs and washing over the crown at her feet. The statue stood in a deep, egg white marble basin full of blood, which lapped at her feet. Thick, spongy blue veins networked through the marble, throbbing and pulsating with life.
The Vizier stood by his basin back ramrod straight, his eyes fixated on the Orbstone’s depths. No sound emanated from the stone, but it showed whatever view he demanded of it. The Orbstone still showed the glade where Kelia and Benoni sat, oblivious to the Vizier watching them, lip reading everything they said.
The Vizier had already sent the Dracorb Knights to capture them and bring them back to the castle. Now it was time to toy with his puppets.
His eyes narrowed in concentration, never shifting from the Orbstone. Not even when he added two red hairs, one long, one short, to the basin of blood The blood bubbled, feathery plumes of steam escaping into the air. The Vizier ran a long black fingernail over the surface, causing a greasy smear to float on the blood. Then he placed his blood-smeared finger on the smoky quartz of the Orbstone. As the stone turned red, the Vizier giggled like a child.
The young prince stopped playing ball. He wanted to play that running game with Kelia again. Sidling up behind her, he tugged her hood off her head. A long crimson braid, intertwined with gold wire tumbled down her back. Benoni threw his arms around her shoulders. She did not stir, motionless as the surrounding mountain range. He happily nestled his chin on her shoulder, ‘Kiki, lets play!’
Startled, he felt the wetness of her cheek against his. Only then did he notice Kelia’s tears, slipping hot and fast from her eyes. It troubled him; she was always sad, but she had never cried in front of him before.
‘Why do you leak Kiki? Don’t leak! Please. Please, let’s be happy!’ He wiped a tear off her chin, watching in fascination as it dropped from his finger to the forest floor. ‘Let’s run?’ he said, doing a comical run on the spot.
Kelia showed no response to his efforts to cheer her up. Distraught, Benoni placed his precious marble in her limp hand.
Kelia did nothing at first. Then slowly, she rolled the marble across her palm, taking pleasure in its cold, heavy smoothness. The ball was a lovely blue, and changed colors as it crisscrossed over her snowy skin. Turquoises, cobalt blue, sky blue, forget me not blue, red. Kelia froze with fear. A red eye had appeared in the marble, its slit of a black pupil flicking around until it fixated on Kelia. She flinched – he had found them.
A hush fell in the woods as the strange red light appeared from nowhere, and filled the circular clearing. Then the light and the eye in the marble vanished.
A fissure zigzagged around the marble and it cracked with a resounding ‘pop’, spurting blood into Kelia’s hand. The blood quickly filled the hollow of her palm, overflowing over the sides of hand and pouring onto the fabric of her dress. Her face twisted with disgust and horror, Kelia flung the bloody marble shards away from her and into the undergrowth.
Tears welled in Benoni’s eyes, for the loss of his favorite toy. Kelia’s smock stuck to her legs, the fine white fabric soaked through with blood. The warm wet feeling, coupled with the smell and sight of the blood was too much for Kelia. Head spinning, she bent over the log and threw up. The feeling of fear and nausea did not go away. The Kelpie, unsettled by the dark red light filling the glade, pawed the mud and snorted, tossing its mane. With a splash, it submerged as the clatter of approaching armored guards filled the glade.
Sighing, Princess Kelia Ea Draegonfyre took her brother’s hand, savoring their last few moments of freedom together. Though she was not brave, she braced herself as best she could, for the arrival of reality. Holding her head high she assumed her most dignified and regal pose. Her captors drew near.
copyright- Gaura- 2006- (I know this is not needed, but I feel better doing it)
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NukeDukem reviewed Version 1 -
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“its stone interior” “stone” is redundant
“Malise had ordered no noise was to be made” Perhaps you should add a “that”.
“Her eyes bulged…Horn of Crisis.”
I suggest…
“Her eyes bulged and her cheeks puffed as she blew the Horn of Crisis.”
”...steps stood on the throne dais” forgetting an “and”.
‘Tag! You are it!’
Try instead
“You’re it!”
“basin of blood The blood” missing a period?
“its slit of a black pupil” “black” is redundant
Overall this is a good read. I liked how you had the Kelpie simply there and not as an actual part of the plot. I also liked how you made it so the reader didn’t know what they were looking for at first.
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Lisa_M reviewed Version 1 -
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Fwriter218 reviewed Version 1 -
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THOTHGUARD51 reviewed Version 1 -
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1st – as to your goals to attract and agent and become published. I start everyone off at 5 because its a 50/50 shot, no matter who you are. From there I go up or down. The story itself has merit, especially for your targeted audience, so I moved you to a 6.
But to attract an agent or publisher, your going to have to learn how to properly format, structure, show vs tell and pacing, among the other rules of writing. For this reason alone, I could not move you up any further.
What do I mean? Lets look at some of the issues I found, that an agent will have issues with, which I know from experience.
1…Formating.
A…Always indent first sentences of any new paragraph 5 spaces. Its a standar publishing format. It serves to give the reader a visual break between paragraph.
B…Same goes with dialogue. Dialogue demands to be put into its own paragraph, even if one word. With or without tag lines. Again, it seperates the general action or scene descriptions from spoken words.
2…1st rule of writing, show the story, don’t tell the story.
This means to write in Active Voice storytelling vs Passive Voice storytelling.
Active voice is you the writer showing the story through all the sense’s of who evers POV you are in. Emotions, thoughts, words, actions, hearing, smell, sight, etc. If the POV can not know something, because its outside their sense’s, then you the writer can not tell it. If you are telling from more than 1 pov, then you have to transition into the new POV so the readers understand that you have changed. You do transitions, but you still fall in and out of POV by explaining things not could not be known by the character whose POV your in.
Here’s a few excerpts of your writing and if you notice, they all tell me what your character is doing, vs showing me.
Malise carefully removed the heavy…
Malise finally rallied to the situation
Malise sank lower into her curtsy;
Here’s a few where you fall out of POV and thus into telling vs showing.
but he had lost his audience,
Who is telling me this, not the horse nor the boy or girl. So it is that unseen narrator.
In your last transition, I have a hard time knowing who’s POV we are in. The boy or the girls. Look at it and it could be either. The boy mourns the loss of his marble. It not his POV, how do we know. The girl, enjoying the smoothness of the marble. Again, if we are not in her POV, how do we know. You can not be in two POV’s at one time, so if its the girls, you have to show the boy pouting at the loss of his marble, not merely stating it.
There are a few grammar, punctuation, and structure issues, but a good proof reading and editing will catch those.
REmember, to attract an agent, your work has to be better than the otehr 100 pieces they got that week. You want yours to stand out, which means you have to follow the rules of writing, make sure the piece is as clean as you can possibly make it and the story is well show/told.
Hope this helps.
Nick.
AppleJack reviewed Version 1 -
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Dr_Z reviewed Version 1 -
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There is some promise here. I like the darker tone of this piece, like the black cauldron.
As regards the flow of sequence to sequence, I would argue that you do enough to make it smooth.
The technique of narrative switching is effective and the ORbstone is an effective device for doing this. clever way to link ideas.
pencil reviewed Version 1 -
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ConnorMacleod reviewed Version 1 -
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First of all, always indent your paragraphs. If you want to attract an agent, editor or publisher, professionalism is the key. It is unprofessional to double space the paragraphs.
Dialogue is always a paragraph itself unless the narrative describes it. Never put two people’s dialogue in the same paragraph and use double quotes for spoken dialogue and either italics or single quotes for thoughts.
Even in fantasy, lakes are not common inside the castle walls. It would have to be a HUGE castle to have one inside.
A matriarch is the female head of a family, a lady in waiting is much further down the line. Unless the head cook was talking to two people, which is implied but not shown, you should either say that he went before one or the other. If the lady in waiting is a separate person, say something about her or take her out of the statement.
Instead of saying ‘scrupulously avoided’ you may want to say ‘painstakingly’ or ‘carefully.’ Scrupulously, to me, means more in the way of having scruples, being principled. This is just my opinion here on wording.
’shooting a withering glace at…’ Is her glance withering? May work better something like: ‘giving the crowd a look that would wither even the stoutest tree.’
’....search the city-town of Brynn. Brynn is the closest city-town…’ This is redundant. Don’t add what you don’t need. You already established that Brynn was a city-town, you don’t need to repeat it, especially immediately after.
The entire section at the pond with the kelpie seemed a little lame. The princess didn’t seem overly concerned about her brother being next to something that could kill him. You may want to rewrite this and put a little tension into her dialogue and describe the scene a little more. Show the reader what is happening, don’t tell us. Use active voice instead of passive.
Benoni seems to be a little less than all there. Is he supposed to be so oblivious to life? How old is he, and how old is Kelia? You need to show us what they look like, let us know more about them, what are they wearing?
A little more description about the entire scene would help, also. Is it cold? Is the wind blowing? The moon is out so can they see the stars? Is it cloudy, partly cloudy or clear?
’If he only he could leave us alone.’ May sound better as: If only he could leave us alone. This may just be a typo, that happens…even to the best of them.
This isn’t a bad story. It needs some proofing, grammatical and punctuation corrections. The best thing you can do is read the work, outloud, to yourself. If it doesn’t sound right to you, it won’t read right to your audience.
As I stated before, you need more show and less tell, a little more description and use active instead of passive voice. You also change POV several times here. You need to transition a little better when you do that so it doesn’t confuse the reader.
Without using any more credits I’ll leave it at this.
Good luck and keep working on it. JDE
4everYours reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like the plot and the general idea behidn this story. It sounds original and refreshing and isn’t the typical fantasy that i usually come accross. The names of the characters are well chosen and I like the dialogue – for some reason your dialogue stands out, especially with phrases like “don’t leak”...i thought that was rather cute.
the opening paragraph works well. It mentions the peculiar seach but doesn’t expose too much, so the reader is kept wondering and questioning. a little thing though: you say that every able bodied person is searching, but then go on to say that a legless person is also searching. It’s not crucial, but it is a bit contradictory. Perhaps you could take out the “able bodied” thing.
also rework some of the actions. especially with Malise at the beginning. for a second i was lost, not knowing where exactly she was and what she was doing.
then with the brother and sister: you describe the sister as the “tall” girl, but then say the brother is TWO HEADS taller than her, even though he is younger and acts a LOT younger than she is. It just doesn’t regsiter very well and seems very odd. I think the brother should be shorter for their rlationship to be more believable.
Overall, excellent idea and i wouldn’t mind reading the whole thing. It looks promising.
followfootsteps reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow I like that first line with “quite uproar”. Next I think you should cut wispers of ‘speak! tell her,’ from the crowd. Maybe say ’ wavering on his feet before being pushed forward by the crowd.’ or simply ‘reluctant emissary’. Also instead of ‘searched high and low’ maybe ‘we have carefully searched the entire keep, well those not off bounds..he began but was cut off by the old womans glare.’. also cut the next line about dishwashers..
Also to shorten put in ’Search the nearby city town of Brynn’ I loved the development of the old woman. First all the castle inhabitants trembling, next a woman hiking up her skirt and running with skinny knees, before she is found by the Visor and is trembling in terror. The tension is well created then the vizier apears. Cut ‘the evil spirit will probably emerge soon’ because it spoils the surprise. THe description of the orbstone was great it made the staute alive for a moment.
Later the blood quickly overfilled …. hand’ you could say ‘the blood welled in her hand’
It was really a great read. If you want to sell a lot of novels then maybe as you say make it a little faster to read, by cutting things as above. Or put in more visual imagery of the castle and countryside to keep the reader engrossed.
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