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Blood Rules
Take the Oath
and swear it deeply.
Humble thy self
but not too meekly.
Live by thy word
do not stray.
Lambs of the blood
never betray.
Children of the night
together as one.
Obeying sacred Blood Rules
having nightmares of fun.
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I think the last two lines were very powerful, but as for some critisism, i guess you could expand this, just to give more details of the childrens’ game, and then show the audience how similar it is to how adults act. I think this can be a great beggining, though
A truly grim, and yet beautiful piece of work. This poem feels almost a bit like a Poe piece, with the abcb rhyme scheme in each stanza, and the dark connotation of the words used. Each word feels like it has its own specific purpose in the piece, almost as if each word was its own little creature before being caged on the page. One small suggestion would be to read this aloud a few times, there are some flow problems that take away from different parts of the true emotion of the piece. I’m also not too sure about the Old English coming into play in ‘thy’. I say I’m not sure because I’m not sure if it was done with the intent of making the piece feel almost dated and sacred, or if you simply felt like putting it into that style, but it doesn’t seem to work as well in this piece. Other than that, excellent work, I look forward to reading more by you. Keep writing, you have some excellent images and fantastic descriptions.
“I LIKE” I wonder how much fun can nightmares can be.I want to read more of your stories,I will keep looking for them
Usually I am not that fond of rhyming poetry, but I must say that you did a really good job here. Also, while the word “thy” is largely archaic, you did a good job incorporating it.
The one thing I wasn’t all that sure on was the ending. It seems as though you could have expanded upon the poem ever so slightly because it seems to just drop off suddenly.
However, I really did enjoy the piece.
I like the way it is put together. I think this is something that is better the more times you read it.
this one is touching your reviewers comment, inspiring.i like the poem keep it up.
The first two stanza’s work the third goes astray. Its a good piece and worth considering a rewrite for “Obeying sacred Blood Rules
having nightmares of fun.”.
The subject is a little bit creepy, but you had some nice lines. The last sentence changes the mood from this kind of seemingly goth ritual thing to more of something mischevious to do on a Halloween night, though I’m not sure which you were going for here. The title is a little straight forward. You may want to change it to something that enhances the meaning of the poem.
I actually like it. In most places you utilize enjambment, which is the difference between a children’s poem and a sophisticated one, and you use punctuation (which I don’t often see in poems on this site).
I like this line “Lambs of the blood
never betray” it’s hard to speak when your no longer among the living. This would be good as a piece out of a book or is it already? Your style is fast and short to the point. The last line is good, but nightmares seems a bit plain consideration the rest of the writing is is so much darker.
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