Short Story / God's Weapon

God’s Weapon:
I had a bloodspot…the Ambassadors party.
(This is a R E A L L Y long sentence.  Could break it down.)
(I made the assumption in my last review – you did just kill the Ambassador, right? And that’s why he’s late…)  

Strangely, the Ambassador was late.

My office bound superiors
(Ouch – I still had to PT with them, y’know!  Don’t change it – I’m just sayin’   ;)

It was in my driveway
(I know I pinged on this one before and apologize, but I’m still working with the flow here.  This is the same night he killed dad, right, as he sat in his driveway?  I would stay away from the “it was” and just go with something like “later that night as I sat in my driveway” – something sort and sweet that changes the scene for us)

Now things were changing
(still hits as awkward – Now, things were different – or – Things were changing?)

wasted my day’s
(days would be plural, not possessive)

Filings
(filing would be singular)

there I was sat between my bed and my wall
(still kind of awkward – there I sat between my bed and my wall?)

a member of the public standing over me
(a “trusted” member would make this more significant)

to the stream the bisected the fields
(bit awkward – either there is a comma after stream, or “the” should be “that”)

and on it to the forest beyond.
(on what?)

he is suppose to be able to catch criminals – he couldn’t catch a cold.
(Did I tell you before that this is a great line?)

arms flailing furiously as the wire pulled tighter and tighter the more he struggled.
(Is there a lost period here, or else needs slightly rephrased.)

Videos where labelled
(were)
As the smoke cleared and the groaning ceases
(ceased)

the phone started to bleep
(up till now he’s been waiting for it to ring, then it bleeps…?)

Most excellent re-write – waiting for more…

This subject matter is close to a story I wrote several years ago.  I assume that the writer like me, detests paedophiles with a vengeance, and was inspired to write a story that is controversial as well as compelling.
I can understand how this might be difficult for someone of his age to write a story with such a depressing subject, but I feel that he is carrying it off very well so far.
   Spelling is always a burden when you get into the flow of writing a story, and find that when you’re reading back through, you’ve made a few mistakes.
  However, I’m not perfect, and I found that I’ve done the same, as have many others!

Apart from the spelling, I feel that this writer has his finger on the pulse with an exciting plot, but perhaps some of the characters the main protagonist deals with, need a little more background history, to make the reader understand the main characters reasons for dispatching the offender.
   Just a thought!

Great going though, keep it up, it should do well.

Roger N

I think this piece has a lot of potential.  The premise is interesting and leaves a significant amount of room for suspense though it does remind me of the movie Boondock Saints.  There are a number of things you can do to bring this piece to the next level.

Go through and edit – there are a number of places where you’ve typed the wrong word (i.e. heal instead of heel).  

Don’t break the 4th wall.  You can have a first person narration where the narrator does not directly address the reader.  Every time you do this, you take your reader out of the story and it breaks the flow.

I think you’re story is stronger without the twist ending.  It’s interesting enough on it’s own you don’t have to be overly clever.  Go with the abuse/assassin angle and stick with it.  Develop the plot a little more and you’ll have a very interesting novel on your hands.

I hope you found this review helpful.  I’d be very happy to read any revisions and give more feedback.

the knife slid effortlessly above the floating rib into the lung causing a silent death.
(OK – call me a pointed stickler, but this reads as though the knife in the lung is the reason his death is silent.  I could medically argue that there’s some other reason he is silent…)
I carefully replaced the knife back into the buckle of my belt
(Just a second ago he was worried about a drip on his cuff, but then uses his drippy, bloody hands to slide a drippy, bloody knife into his belt buckle… I’m thinking he needs to wipe off his hands and the knife first…)
Before I explain that however let me introduce myself.
(Kind of wordy and forced.  Something like… I’ll get to that, but first, let me introduce myself… or something more naturally conversational.  This narrative is more informal than formal, and the usage isn’t consistent.)
I live next door to someone like you and I most likely drive a similar car to you.
(Lots of words to say he’s like me.  I think this can be rephrased and personalized.)
Unlike you is my past
(Awkward sentence)
proved myself to my peers in covert operations
(JUST your peers?  Not your superiors, chain of command, etc?  I’ve been admin support (YN) to two SWUs and their teams – trust me, we know who the performers are, and we’re nowhere near the field)
I looked around my plain bedroom and it reminded me so much of the barracks, everything has its place, there is a reason why every man should know where everything he owns lives.
(This is a relative long sentence with a couple of different ideas.  Could be broken down)
As I sat in the car the action of driving blurred into a secondary function as my brain was preoccupied with the meaningful task at hand.
(This sentence takes too much effort to comprehend.  Sort of wordy, and one assumes that driving the car IS the task at hand.  On the third read, I figured out [I think] that the pending hit is the task he’s referring to)
had to stay focused. Snatching myself back to reality I focused in
(avoid overuse of the word focus.  It sounds unfocused ;)
I made exit silently as relief made its was into my life and years of pent up anger drained from my every muscle.
(I think you should have the anger drain first, leave room for the relief.  Picky, I know, but it made it awkward to read [Was should be way?])
It was as I sat motionless my drive on the return home that the entire idea of the scale of what lie before me entered my mind
(Wordy and awkward.  This could be conveyed in about half as many words.)
I dreamed as a child of somehow ridding myself of the filth that surrounded me and drove my mother to kill herself. Now I was the solution.
(I’m wondering if this should come earlier – before or as he’s killing his father.  Then, I think this starts a new paragraph) At first, requests came only now and again,
Now things were changing,
(Threw me for a loop – which tense do you want to do with?)
cesspits
(cesspools?)
there I am sat between
(There I sat    or   there I am sitting – again tense issues)
hiding under my quilt waiting for my mothers voice to disappear
(This makes it sound like you WANT your mother to leave you alone with him – as I read on it doesn’t seem that way)
the frost strewn fields that led down to the stream
(fields rarely “lead” anywhere.  Maybe there’s a drainage ditch leading to the stream?  Not as romantic, but think about it.)
Using the natural cover provided by the banks of the stream
(My visual just got honked up.  Initially, I’m seeing open fields, with a stream located in their midst.  Nor he’s able to approach the house unnoticed?)
The room smelt
(smelled)
guests was the study
(guessed)
– this place was much tidier, a complete juxtapose
(juxtapose = contrast?  This word feels out of place)
next to a dishevelled truck
(How is a truck dishevelled? I don’t know whether to picture a rusty old clunker, or bombed out shell of a vehicle)
squarely into the chest of the now deceased terrorist
(This sounded like you’re shooting dead guys)
sent the twisting to the ground
(Sent the what?  Now you’re just teasing)
I enjoyed reading this.  There are some obvious problems that can be addressed with spell/grammar checker
I think you’re going for a sense of drama, which would be appropriate in this piece, but it sounds sort of forced.  We’re toodling right along and suddenly there’s an out of place “big” word, or wordy sentence that throws us out of the mode.  Too much of that and people will put your book down – the believability factor is gone.  I’m getting two essences of this character and they conflict, which makes it difficult to relate to him.

As far as the goal, I gave it a 6.  There is a lot of room for technical improvement before a professional would read past the first couple of paragraphs.

Overall, I gave it an 8.  I love this type of book, and with some clean up and redraft, this has a lot of potential.

Keep up the good work!

I think your close to having a good story here. The character is strong and interesting (which is always a bonus), but reading this exerpt I kind of felt like I was reading a diary of his murders. The problem is that this is his everyday life, the story starts when the everyday life gets interupted by something else. I think you need to find that something else before you consider writing a novel about this.

That said there is something about the plausibility of his just killing pedophiles that leaves something to be desired. A specialist assasin isn’t going to find a lot of work. What does he do otherwise? How does he balance his everyday life with his “hobby”? Just a couple of questions I had.

As always if you have any questions or comments feel free to give them.

I thouroughly enjoyed this read, it hooked me from the beggining. I love how you get the reader on your side and wanting to follow you on your murdering trail(of the scum of society of course). I bet now you’ve found the video’s you’ll have proven paedophiles to dispose of.

It would be interesting to know what your character does for a living to cover his crimes, or is he unemployed. the reader may also want to know more about your time in the wars. I think you could do the wars part as a serious of flash backs. I look forward to reading the next chapter. I think the first Para could be your Prologue.

Well written, no typo’s noticed