Poetry / One query and seven thoughts at once
One query and seven thoughts at once
0-
Desperate decisions made so forcefully
Who will appreciate the lives given up?
Will we be forgotten so soon?
Are we thinking too deep in shallow water?
1-
Retched hands of butchery is where we find peace.
Diseased, plagued and left to writhe
2-
Feel the fever as it grips you internally.
Insanity lurks not just in the back of my mind.
It’s beyond searching, it’s gnawing at me.
Taking every step and making them incoherent.
3-
Drowning in your self-proclaimed holy water.
Constantly gasping for breathe not politically biased.
4-
Delay my request for my own life?
Where did this conquest become a device?
A conquest for freedom and a heavenly spice?
Or your plan for me of your personal devise?
If the world weren’t revolving would time stand still?
If you weren’t hungry would you still eat a meal?
Can dogs see their shadows before they make their kill?
T’were the devil a healer would you be afraid to heal?
5-
We’re asleep at the wheel of our human vehicles
Dreaming about a life that’ll never be possible in the physical form,
Taking everything in life for our own.
6-
Deaf, dumb and left in your usual stupor.
Feeling like a jive turkey who is just super duper
7-
“Control these breeding mice that won’t play nice.” said the caterpillar giving his piece of advice. “Who let the fancy worm in?” mused the squirrel. “Funny coming from a creature who spends its life collecting nuts.” said the girl. “ Keep down the noise until all have been heard.” said the voice. “Why do we all need to be heard? It’s not like we have a choice, when will we stop being controlled by this vanishing voice?” yelled the jackass.
Then the wolf replied “are we done yet I’d like to go and lay in the grass?”
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While this poem does explore a very interesting theme, i am not sure it’s done as expertly as possible. it is clear that you enjoy word play—the sound of one word rubbing up against another, the friction or ellision, however i’d advise not overdoing the word play in an effort to get your point across more directly. unless used extremely well, these devices tend to detract from a work rather than enhance it.
also, i found the numbering of the stanzas frivolous and distracting. i realise that the title is “one query and seven thoughts at once” which by all means is an excellent title conveying a most interesting idea, however my suggestion would be to either expound upon each of the seven thoughts in a more thorough yet succint manner and maintain the numbered stanzas or lose them altogether.
i hope these suggestions prove useful. good luck.
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