Short Story / Untitled
SLAM! Face on the wall. BAM BAM! Broken nose. SMACK! Blood seeps from every pore. BASH! Fades to nothingness.
Brian Taylor was walking home and knew it was one of his few “good” days. It was a good day, only because his father would not be there when he got home. He lived with his father now, his mother died 3 years ago, and the entire family was having difficulty coping with the loss. The two of them now lived alone in a poor neighborhood. They had been having trouble making ends meet lately because they had only one source of income.
The person having the hardest time with his mother’s death is Brian’s father. His depression and grief had quickly turned to aggression. Brian, being an older child, became the victim of his father’s rage. He had been beaten several times (he had actually lost count), none too serious, or too noticeable. However, this was about to change.
When Brian arrived home, he noticed the door was unlocked. This scared him instantly for two separate reasons. One reason was that the unlocked door could mean he left it unlocked when he left for school. The other reason, which was both more likely and more terrifying, was that his father had returned home early from work. He entered the house and called out, “Hello? Anyone home?”.
The reply came almost too quickly, as if it was expected, “Yep, I’m in here son.”
Brian’s heart instantly sank, and he knew that he was in for a long afternoon. He walked back to his father’s bedroom, where he found him sitting and watching TV. He smelled a strong odor of liquor almost as soon as he entered the room. Along with the smell, came a chilling thought, “ He hits harder when he is drunk”. He was about to turn out of the room and leave when his father called to him, “I got an interesting phone call today”. Brian became nervous. “Your English teacher called to tell me that you are failing and might have to take summer school.” His tone instantly changed from quiet to angry. “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU! I DIDN’T RAISE AN IDIOT BRIAN!”
Brian was barely able to dodge the 2/3 filled vodka bottle that was thrown at his head. He turned around to run, but his dad grabbed him by the neck. He struggled free and made a break for the door. His father dove and caught him by the legs. Brian was helpless. He was struck in the face repeatedly by his fathers fist and had almost lost consciousness. His father seemed tired, and Brian took this opportunity to punch his father squarely in the face. This knocked his father back slightly and he fell onto his back
Brian, thinking he had actually knocked his father out, went over to examine his father. At this time his father rose and knocked Brian back onto the ground. Brian woke up in tremendous pain. He had been knocked out, but not for a very long time. He looked around and saw his father stumbling into the kitchen, and to his horror, grabbing a knife. He tried to run, but his body was weakened and he wasn’t able to get to his feet.
At this time his father was walking back towards him. Brian yelled out to his father, “Dad, you don’t need to do this, please don’t!”. But at this point his father had reached the point of no return. Brian was now going into a complete state of panic. He was struggling to get up, but his father had yet again pinned him down. He felt the cold, piercing blade of the knife thrusting in and out of his leg. Soon he felt warm all over his body, and then he knew no more.
Brian Taylor was murdered on that day. And on that same day, 38 year old Harold Taylor became a murderer. Harold later committed suicide, filled with grief. The price of anger is infinite.
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This is a story of mostly telling. You need to show more to get the reader involved with the story. Also, your backstory needs further developing… why did the mother die? How many children? You imply and state more than one… yet he is the only one at home?
Your characters need to be developed. We have no idea who they really are. The father is not believable… especially since his beats have not been that bad up this point. There needs to be more.
YOur action scenes are very quick and need to be further expanded.
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I can tell you usually write poetry. This is a good effort but it’s slightly stilted. The first paragraph reads more like scene directions than the opening for a story. I think you should lengthen it and give it more detail. Hope this helps
For an amature story writer this is very good, in my oppinion atleast. The only thing I can see that could really use some inprovement would be adding some description thoughout the story. It would allow the reader to better see what you see, and would thus make it a much better piece.
I like the opening sentence. This is a very quick and tight piece. The dramatic tension plays well and the downbeat ending is a good twist. Good work. Keep writing.
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