Poetry / Star

I like the imagery within this poem. I also like how you are able to portray an unconventional relationship in so few words. However, I feel that this poem could be expanded upon, not necessarily in any certain direction, but just to provide more information on what you’ve already introduced. It wouldn’t take much – just another stanza or two.

The first stanza is superb. Period on the end. Why the period after My silent star?  If you want punctuation there, maybe star – In oceans?  or if no punctuation, maybe dark, ?  Just ideas. Beautiful. I truly liked this.

well following the stars could get you in trouble. everytime i try to predict a relationship or decide anything based on the stars i fuck it up. i like the idea of navigating through someone’s love like a cartographer. beautiful imagery.

Excellent. I envision a man, standing on the deck of his fishing boat, at night, staring into the darkness—and there is one star.. the star of a silent love that makes it all transform into beauty.  Poems inspire different visions for different audiences, but that is what makes a good poem a great one!  

What you have here is good, but I believe that if you add a bit more this poem it could be much better and have more promise.

This is an interesting poem. I think it could be longer, though. It has the potential of being a very good poem, but as I said, it seems too short. I would want to hear more about the story of this love, and how it came to be and the such, if you get my meaning.

Short and sweet, this makes its point succinctly. I like the punctuation, as it seems very symbolic. Is “My silent star” its own thought, separate from the previous and next lines? In terms of meaning, and in cadence, it seems to fit with the next line. But the punctuation puts it with the previous one. This seems appropriate, as it brings the thoughts together.

Fantastic beginning. Sometimes when you’re talking about stars in poetry, it can get really cliche. I, myself, don’t even like to go there. But you sort of reinvented the “star;” I can see how inportant the love is to the speaker because something so seemingly insignificant turns nothing (the infinity part) into something (an “expanse of promise”). And I appreciate the originality of that imagery.

But what I would like to know is why is the star “silent”? I guess I can see silent relating to meekness and that sense of insignificance again, but I just think you should be sure of that.

Also, the last two lines sound like an ending to a completely different poem, because you move from the darkness of the sky to the darkness of the ocean, and the way you phrase it makes it sound like the star is now in the water. Then it made me think, “Captain of what?” Is there a boat now? Is the speaker like chasing the star in a ship?

I think you can expand on that idea or completely chunk it for a new ending, but if you change it, let me know. I really think it’s going in a good direction…no pun intended.

~georGIA

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December 31, 2006

by zzzmarcus

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Thanks for the critique! Regarding the reason the star is silent. I originally wanted to put “still” – an unmoving beacon, but STill STar didn’t seem fit with the rhythm of the poem. Silent seemed like the next best choice.

As far as the last two lines… I’ll work on them :)

Again, I appreciate the review.

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I like this.  The first stanza is great.  It’s hard to describe a star when its been done so many times before, but the author pulls it off here.

I dig the way the author makes the star a metaphor in the second stanza…

I really liked the simplicity of this. The fact that you chose the exact right words makes the length and the line breaks work.  Very nice piece.