Poetry / Your Girl's a Gypsy

this poem is teeter tottering on good and bad for me. I like the gypsy thing, that is good, but this poem to me is about you having it for your boys girl. romance is just too typical for poetry. abab is dead in my eyes and i hate that people still use it. thats just my opinion though. over all this is good but could be better. seems like a song to me. its lyrical.

I’m not sure what the goal is.  Do you want me to admire her, or feel you will take her away if I don’t step up?  Alternatively, is she already cheating on me?

I like the premise, but some of the rhyming rhythm takes too much effort and is a little cheesy in places.

Spell/Grammar check would help quite a bit.  Outstanding start.

This poem feels confusing. Isn’t the gypsy supposed to be the one who wanders? She’s the one who should be portrayed as potentially going astray, not the guy.

Some of the rhythm was a little off but other than that I quite liked this.  It’s a heartbreaking situation but you’ve managed to portray it without angst and  with a great deal of maturity.  

Shades of ‘Jesse’s Girl’.  

Love triangles are always fascinating   on the page for some reason.

I found this very relatable and romantic.

Thank-you for writing it.

Seems to me that this would work better as a song than as a poem.  Granted, the two have much in common – good poetry has musical meter, and good songs are poetic.  With the rhymes and the jaunty bounce here, I just imagined it as a song.  Maybe you could throw a refrain in there and let someone riff with it.  :)  

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January 02, 2007

by ShiningRain

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26	F	Union, MO	January 05

Good call..!  Thanks for the info.  

November 12, 2008

by Runatyr

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38	M	Windsor, CT	December 04

I wish I had a refrain to offer.  :)

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I really like this piece. I love the catchy line (“your girl’s a gypsy”), the imagery, and the accessible language of the poem.

I feel like the rhyme-crusader, but I have to say…I don’t like the rhymes. Maybe I’m just extremely picky, but they just seemed to upset the flow of my reading. They were too obvious – when I read a rhyming poem, I don’t want to think about the rhymes. I guess my only criticism, then, would be to eliminate the rhyme scheme or make it less obvious. But, as you probably know, this can very well be a matter of personal taste!

Good work.

This poem was enjoyable to read on many levels. First, there ws the fact that the structure and wording of it was flawless, and the…beat? of the poem complemented and fit perfectly. The fact that there seemed to be a direct message in the poem, warning ‘you’ to make the gypsy girl happy gave it a story and a drive it otherwise would have lacked. I liked the use of the rhetorical question, ‘How can anyone help but glance?’ But personally, fater the line the poem seemed only to get better, so I really do have to congradulate you on an extremely well written piece. Final note, the last line, be proud of yourself for that, it finished it beautifully. perfect score, 10/10

It’s an interesting concept, but some of the rhymes seem like they force the rhythm to go off balance. For example, in the third stanza, the second line is much longer than the fourth line, and it creates a sense of being off-kilter. Keep working on it, because it could be really good.