Poetry / Indentity

The writing is good, especially the second half. The punctuation needs work, especially where commas are concerned. I suggest looking at a reference book. The actual set up of the poem is nicely done, I think and you make your point well. One specific thing at the beginning I think “destined to pain” should be “destined for pain.” Also I’m not sure about the last two lines, the poem might work just as well without them. Anyway, this is good as it is and if you edit for punctuation and maybe smooth a few things out it would really improve the flow. Nicely done.

I’m not too sure if you’re looking for revision assistance or not, considering it’s a decade old, now. For the most part, I like the flow of this piece. What I didn’t like was the visuals – where did the porcelain sink come into play? Why is it likened to wine pouring out? Who pours wine out onto the sink? Also, you spoke in a general sense, personifying once at the beginning, and didn’t use the very personal “I” until halfway through – where you used it constantly. It seemed as if you ran out of things to say, and so you changed the stream of thought.

Hope these critiques help. This piece has a lot of potential to be powerful and thought provoking, but I feel it needs to be focused a bit more, if it is to reach maximum potential.

Thanks for sharing!
-LoKi

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November 25, 2007

by Fossilized_Sap

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
22	77.8% (9 votes)	3.6%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
28	F	Glen Burnie, MD	August 01

Thanks a lot!  I haven’t been able to get on Urbis in a long time.  I’m working and going to school full time so it’s hard to find the time to work on my writing. I’ve pretty much been writing since I was in grade school, but never really used peer feedback to improve my writing.  I figure if I ever want to get published…it’s about time. :O)

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