Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Murder Calling 1st Chapter revised
Creating chaos in my nearly perfect life.
“Please don’t do this. I’m sorry. Listen to me.” Loud bangs carry through the house.
“Listen to you. You got to be out of your fucking mind.“
“Baby let me explain. Stop this you are really blowing this out of proportion.” She grabs him by the hand and pulls him towards her and caresses his face.
“Get your hands off me.” He snatches his face out of her hand. Pushing her towards the wall he presses his body on her and proceeds to take life from her. “ I regret the very day I seen you walk this God given earth and if you so ever touch me again I will do what I see fit and take you out of it.” He releases her and she drops to the floor. He walks to the bedroom and grabs his overcoat with his hat.
Teary eyed she follows him up the stairs and blocks him. “You don’t really mean that. That’s not really you talking it’s the alcohol. Jace you are going to do something that you regret you need to stop and talk to me right now!” My dad pushes her and nearly knocks her over the banister. He rushes out and the door slams behind him.
Awoken from the loud bang. I am taken over by the depressing aftermath left behind. I step pass the broken glass in the hallway and find my mom crying, face in hands. I kneel next to her and ask what happened. I can feel my throat tighten and swell with tears as she answers my question with silence and holds me close to her.
My phone rings and on the other side a voice takes away what I took for granted.
“Hello.” I answer.
“I am calling to speak with Ms. Chandler.”
“She’s sleep right now may I ask who is calling.”
“This is Dr. Hudson calling from Coretta Hospital. It is imperative that I speak with her about her husband’s condition…”
His voice blanks out and agonizing thoughts are crafted into my mind as I struggle to hang on. Doctor, hospital, condition? What in the world could he possibly be talking about.
“Hello, Hello. Is anybody there?” Dr. Hudson asks snapping me out of my daze.
“I I I’m his s son. Wh…” No longer able to talk I run to my mom tears in eyes and fall into her arms as she comes out of her room.
“What’s wrong. Calm down tell me what happened.”
“Som Something ha ha ha happened t t…”
“Shhh I cant understand you, you have to stop crying..”
I sniffle and frantically try to catch myself so that I can tell her what has happened.
“Phone, a Doctor is on the ph phone for you.”
“What!” my mother runs to the phone and is met with the dial tone. She hangs the phone up and before she is able to address the situation it rings again.
“Hello.”
“Is this Mrs. Chandler.”
“Yes, it is.”
“This is Dr. Hudson and I am calling from Coretta Hospital about you husband.”
“Why whats going on, What happened?” She asks.
“Your husband was in a bad accident and is in critical condition and we need you to come down to the hospital right now.”
“I’m on my way.” Holding her mouth in total disbelief she hangs up the phone.
“Ma, whats going is he alright.”
“Get your coat we have to go.”
I run to get my coat . I hop in the car, cold from the frigid autumn weather.
It tooks us less than ten minutes to get there. We run through the automatic doors and straight to the desk clerk.
“My husband was admitted to this hospital what room is he in.”
“Mame, what is your name?” The desk clerk asks.
“Jenice Chandler, please can you hurry I need to see him.”
“Yes room 122 down the hall to your left.”
We run down the hall and a nurse stops us at the door.
“Excuse me that’s my husband in there.”
“ We need you to wait out here, please.”
“What do you mean you need me to wait out here. My husband needs me in there!” My mom yells frustrated.
“Mame, Calm down you will be able to see him shortly.”
The smell of this hospital sits on my nose taunting me as I wait. Unable to speak and scared to death of what might happen next I just sit and wait. Nothing else to do but wait, right. I mean everything is going to be alright. He is going to come out that room all bandage up and smiling. I give a half smirk thinking of what he might say when he comes out. It may be something like “You thought I was down for the count didn’t you champ.” or “I’m unstoppable.” Yea he’s alright nothing to worry about.
“Mrs. Chandler, I’m Dr. Hudson.” My mother jumps up.
“Is he alright.” My mother asks
“Mrs. Chandler I don’t know how to say this but your husband is dead.”
Its like my heart skipped a beat. I lose my breath and I am unable to catch my breath.
“Wha What no my dad, he ju just can’t be dead.”
“I’m sorry son we did everything we could to save your dad. He was just beat up to badly from the accident.” The doctor looks at my mother and says “ You have my condolences” before walking off leaving me in the misery he can only imagine.
His death strikes me deep in my soul leaving a scar on my heart that will never heal because it longs to be filled with the love only a father can give. That only my father would have given me. Just like that life takes away the glue that holds you together and causes you to suffer brutally.
The few days after his death were rough. This house was unusually quiet. There was no more of the stuff that made life worth living. There was no more weekly football nights with me and my dad. There was no more funny antics at the dinner table done to annoy my mother. There was no more laughing, joy and happiness. There was no more me.
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April 02, 2007
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For some strange reason, I feel as though I’ve read this before. Anyway, I think there were some minor details that should have been added into the story for better understanding and depth, and perhaps some punctuation fixes. The story gets a bit choppy in some parts, with the details missing, but overall I think that this could become an excellent piece of work.
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This 204 word review has not been unlocked.
A good display of feeling.
You have a few typos dotted around.
Your use of dialogue is good, very believable and your writing is easy to follow.
Instead of my phone, how about the phone. I thought it was a mobile, until it was for the Mother.
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