Action Adventure / Up From the Depths Part 12
Jimbo took the binoculars from his eyes and looked at the dead city. Had it really been just a few weeks since all this happened? He put the lenses back up and looked at the distant port, large helicopters with vehicles slung below them were flitting back and forth, from where, he couldn’t see. The crunch of gravel behind him and he spun around to see Berg walking up to him.
“Hey Jimbo, Melody said you saw some shit happening at the port.”
“Yeah. Helicopters and some shooting.” He handed the binoculars to Berg, taking note of the duty belt and holstered pistol he still wore, a reminder of that night.
“Looks military. You think they’re here to rescue us?”
“Don’t know. You got the sheets ready just in case?”
“Yeah.”
The two kids stood on the rooftop and watched the distant activity in silence. Berg handed the binoculars back and turned to go.
“Lunch is almost ready. Cold beans and Spaghetti-O’s. Yum yum.” Berg made circular motions over his stomach then walked back inside leaving Jimbo, staring at the distant activity.
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good title and any character named “Jimbo” is good in my world.
“distant port, large”—semicolon
“The crunch of gravel behind him and”—The gravel crunched behind him
“Berg walking up to him.”—fine, but you could consider chopping “walking up behind him.” extra info the reader doesn’t really require.
”...taking note of the duty belt and holstered pistol…”—this line was nice. subtle, non-intrusive exposition. well done.
“rooftop and watched the distant activity in silence.”—consider, ”...rooftop, silently watching the distant activity?” a bit more active. up to you.
”...back inside leaving Jimbo,...”—inside, leaving
overall-
spare, direct writing. my kind of style.
criticisms?
small bloops. nothing to cry about.
coming in at pt. 12, i’m obviously out of the loop, but it feels like you’ve got plenty of tension and action in this tale. Best of luck to you and Jimbo. well done.
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I haven’t read the first part of this, but I do have a suggestion since this is in the action/adventure category.
I think you need a bit more tension. Here is an example:
EXISTING
Jimbo took the binoculars from his eyes and looked at the dead city. Had it really been just a few weeks since all this happened? He put the lenses back up and looked at the distant port, large helicopters with vehicles slung below them were flitting back and forth, from where, he couldn’t see. The crunch of gravel behind him and he spun around to see Berg walking up to him.
SUGGESTION:
Jimbo took the binoculars from his eyes. He looked at the dead city in disbelief. Only a few weeks since all this happened! He shook his head, put the lenses back up and focused on the distant port. Large helicopters with vehicles slung below them flitted back and forth. He looked around for some sign, any sign to tell him where they were coming from. Nothing.
The crunch of gravel behind him broke his concentration. As he spun around he saw Berg walking up to him.
I don’t know if you use dialogue in this, but you could also break someof the narrative with dialogue. He could mutter under his breath or call out to Berg.
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