Non-fiction / Beautifully Broken Part 1-16

Part One:
I couldn’t stop feeling the way I did.  I couldn’t help feeling so much emotion and not knowing what it meant.  Loving someone made me feel this way.  I had many thoughts going through my head that day we were together.  That was the day I felt whole.  I felt like no one could take me away from him, that no one could make me feel the way I felt with him.  His breath, I could taste.  His heart, I could hear.  His smile, I could see.  His warmth, I could feel.  But it left me.  All the feelings drained, pulled from me, by only simple words like “I don’t want you to love someone like me.”  I told him I could wait…I would wait forever if I had to.  I wanted him to see that nothing was gonna change my love.  My heart, my mind, my body…I left it all for him.  I left it all for someone who didn’t even try to love me back.  And I knew he wouldn’t try…even though he said he wanted to.  What could I do?  What could I do to make someone understand all the emotion that I felt when I was with him?  How could he understand that the love I had for him ran deeper than any ocean or sea?  I guess I’ll never know.  I’ll never be able to have him see the true me.  

How can anyone describe love?  Is it a feeling, a touch, a taste, a useless emotion?  Will anyone ever be able to define true love?  I knew from the moment he had kissed me…that I had found the one I loved.  The only one who would be able to recieve all of my love.  The only one to deserve my love.  And I felt it whenever I thought of him.  I tasted it everytime we kissed.  I craved it, everytime he was away from me.  It was love…and he pushed it away.  He felt he didn’t deserve my love.  I wanted to give him my love…and I did.  Only to be pushed away.  My heart…feels it can’t take anymore pain…but I know…that it was meant to happen.

I said things I shouldn’t have.  I told him to go away.  I told him that he was an asshole…that I was an idiot for loving him.  But was it a mistake?

Part Two:
So many dreams I had of him, now seem so distant.  The happiness left me like a wind from a storm.  I cried so many times, I felt no tears could fall…I was surprised that they did.  Every dream that I share of him, now to this day turn into nightmares….And I wake up in a cold sweat with tears forming in my eyes.  I love him.  I love him so much it makes my heart hurt.  He hates me.  I tried to help and what happened was what I deserved.

I’ll start from the beginning.  

I was about to end my freshman year.  My boyfriend and I were about to be broken up because we were becoming very different people.  I was not the same girl as I was five years ago.  I didn’t have the same feelings as I did as an eleven year old.  I love him…or maybe I loved the idea of him…But it wasn’t meant to be.  He would never love me…he would only love the me in the future…the eighteen and legal me.  I didn’t want that.

That’s when I met him.  His name was Nathan.  He asked to be my friend on myspace…I knew who he was…But had never talked to him.  I asked if he went to my school as a way to break the ice.  What began as a stupid conversation starter…turned into something so much more than anyone could believe.

I began writing so much to him.  Everyday, waiting for his reply, however short or long.  I craved his replies.  I craved his reactions to my weirdness.  I  felt that I could carry a conversation on forever.  Every letter, every word he wrote…I tried to memorize.  I saved every note to this day.  Every myspace letter, kept close to my heart.  Then, I gave him my number…and he gave me his.  I was able to listen to his deep voice.  A voice that could make me tremble every time I heard him utter a simple word.  Our phone conversations lasted for over three hours mostly.  I fell in love with his voice.  

I only saw him three times at school.  At first…I had watched him from afar like a crazed person…targeting it’s next stalk.  I’m not a stalker just so you know…I don’t know what I was at the time.  I saw him before second period, after second period, and after third period.  He said that once I gave him a weird look.  I told him I smiled and said hi, he was the one to give me a weird look.  I laugh about it to this day…only, by the time I’m done laughing…I start to cry.

Part Three:
There were times when even seeing his picture put a smile on my face.  I used to think that he was so amazing.  So amazing that no one could compare.  It was like…well I guess I can’t explain it any further.  Only those who have felt this before would know how I felt.  I used to dream of his smile and he made me feel so much but I was unable to tell him.  I was scared of being rejected like I have been in the past.  And I didn’t want to cry.  I promised myself that I would never let any guy see me cry again.  I didn’t want to push him away.

I remember that it was the day of the Sophmore musicals.  I had been wanting to see it for two weeks and I finally got to.  My friends and I were all excited to see it.  I told my friends that I liked Nathan.  They told me he was a lot better than Jake my soon to be ex-boyfriend.  So I took a bold move.  I called him and asked if he wanted to come.  He said maybe, but he said it in a way that made it seem like a yes.  I hoped he would come…so I told him that MAYBE I’ll see him there.

We arrived at my school and I could see Nathan walking on the sidewalk towards the school.  He was wearing a zip-up jacket and his glasses.  He was texting people on his cell phone, at that moment I smiled.

We sat next to eachother, I was being flirty and he was being cool and mysterious.  Like all the guys in the past…Nathan liked to tickle me.  He made me comfortable just being around him.  I could tell how much I liked him.  My friends could tell…and they even told me to get a room.

I told him that I’m afraid of the dark, I said if I happen to hold his hand…it was because I’m scared.  I am afraid of the dark…but only if I’m by myself in the middle of the night.  That was me trying to be flirty…ok…so I suck at flirting, leave me alone!

He laughed about it.  He smiled and when the lights went down, he mimicked me and held my hand.  He acted like he was scared too and I laughed because he’s bad at pretending.  But I was blushing the entire time.

The musicals ended, and I walked outside and waited for my mom to show up.  Nathan was standing next to me.  I was a little nervous so I couldn’t say much.  We talked about stupid things like about the nickname he had given me and the one I gave him.  

My mom came, so I said goodbye.  I got into the car with a smile on my face and a racing heart in my chest.

Part Four:
I will always remember that one moment.  That moment we were together and everything felt so right…so amazing.  I never felt the way I did before I met Nathan.  I never cried so much until I met Nathan.  I’ll always remember the day, the hour, the weather.  I remember it all.  But mostly…I remember him.

The next day was a half day.  I think it was for those taking their ACTs.  Luckily…I didn’t have to take it.  My mind was going wild.  I kept thinking of the night before.  I smiled at the thought of holding his hand and me flirting non stop because I couldn’t control myself.  I knew I was starting to become obsessed.  I was starting to crave something I couldn’t have.  I told myself not to rush because I was still with Jake.  Even though I was about to be single…I knew I shouldn’t rush.  Rushing has always gotten me into trouble.  Trouble that made my life hell.  And hell is not a place I want to be in again.

Nathan and I texted eachother a lot.  We had decided to hang out after school.  He had seventh hour off(lucky bastard) so I had to meet him at the school football field when I got out.  I was very excited.  I was nervous but I tried to control myself from bursting.  

We met at the field and I smiled the minute I saw him.  He was wearing a simple white t-shirt and jeans.  He had his glasses on the bridge of his nose and was texting on his cell phone.  I could tell by the temperature of my face that I was blushing at that moment.  I always blush when I like someone.  But Nathan was the first to make me blush for a long time.

Nathan took me to a park, we flirted and played around with eachother.  He kept taking things from me like my shoe, my cell phone, and the tye I was using as a belt.  I wasn’t sure if he really liked me.  I was scared to find out.  All I knew was that I shouldn’t rush.  I shouldn’t rush only to get hurt again.  

We layed under this big tree.  It was hot and I was dumb and wore all black.  I realize now that it was a bad idea.  I also know that I should have worn a real belt instead of using a tye.

We layed in the grass for a while.  I didn’t even know the time…but I kept thinking it was at least 2pm.  I noticed that Nathan was getting closer to me.  I was getting even more nervous.  I tried to control myself.  When I’m nervous…I tend to laugh.  I tried to control my laughter…but I think he thought it was funny.  I thought it was embarrassing.

Then…something I didn’t expect to happen…happened.  It was something I usually never do unless I’m dating that person.  But that moment, was the moment I’ll never forget.

That was the day that Nathan kissed me.

Part Five:
“Estoy apesadumbrado pero te quiero.” I’m sorry but I love you.

That kiss…meant more to me than anyone can imagine.  It was the first time I had ever felt whole.  They say the first kiss is supposed to be special, and it was.  To this day, I can feel his soft lips against mine.  I can taste that kiss that was so full of passion…and wanting.  It wasn’t the only kiss we shared.

That day, I felt exposed.  I don’t know if it was in a good or bad way…but I was exposed to Nathan.  I had opened up to him and it felt…amazing.

I went home with a smile and a racing heart.  But…I had unfinished business.  I had to end things with Jake.
I called Jake.  His voice that once put a smile on my face…now gave me nervous feelings.  I told him that I didn’t want to hurt his feelings…so I couldn’t say what I needed to.  He knew.  I could tell.  He said, “Are you breaking up with me?”  My voice started to weaken.  ”Are you mad?”  ”No…just surprised.”  Surprised?  You cheated on me!  But I couldn’t say anything…my eyes were getting blurry…I didn’t want to cry.

“Lo hice todo para usted.” I did it all for you.

Part Six:
The next day, I knew things would never be the same.  I knew that I was rushing.  I knew I should have stopped myself.  But I didn’t because I couldn’t help myself.  I felt so much with Nathan.  I knew there had to be a reason as to why I was like this…but I couldn’t figure it out.  I was building things up, only to be broken down.

The next day, I asked Nathan what we were at the time.  I didn’t want to feel used.  I didn’t want to get hurt.  He said he didn’t know.  He had to think about us.  I was confused.  Why would someone who had flirted with me and gave me some hope, had to think about us?  Had to think about me?  He asked when we could hang out again…I said probably the next day…but I wasn’t sure.  He asked if it could be that day because he was busy that weekend.  I said ok so I cancelled the plans I had that day.

I waited for him after school.  I was nervous.  Something bad was going to happen…I knew because I was starting to get that sick feeling.  That is the feeling I get when something is not right.

I texted Nathan asking him where he was.  He said he couldn’t hang out.  He needed to think.  I waited.  I went home feeling sick…I didn’t know what to do.

Part Seven:
I put on a “can do” attitude the next couple of days.  I talked to Nathan over myspace and text every night.  Smiling at his comments, making jokes about life, and being there for him…was getting hard.  I am very impatient.  I wanted to know how he felt about me.  I wanted to know if we were going to be more than friends or friends with benefits.  At that time…I didn’t know what we were.  And I was too scared to ask because I feared I would push him away.  I was scared that I was building things up only to be broken down.  I didn’t want my stupid mistakes to ruin what we had and I wasn’t going to let it happen.  At least…I hoped it wouldn’t happen.

Saturday came and I was very excited.  It was a tradition with my mother and I that we go eat sushi and see a new movie.  We had decided to see Silent Hill after we ate.  Now I’m what you call a…baby when it comes to horror films.  The whole movie scared the crap out of me.  I came home scared…turning on all of the lights in my room and wrapping my blankie around me.  I went on myspace to see who was online.  Sure enough, Nathan was.  I said hi and we chatted for a while.  I told him I was scared because I just saw that movie.  Nathan joked by saying come over and snuggle with me.  I smiled at the thought but I was a “good girl” and had never snucked out before.  He laughed telling me that I didn’t have to if I didn’t want to.  The back of my mind kept telling me, “Live a little.  It’s only one night.  Plus…your dad isn’t even home…no one will even suspect it.”  Nathan told me that if I wanted…we could spend the night together.  I told him that he should come to my house because I was self consious.  He agreed to it.  I was scared and anxious.  We made plans to meet at the middle school.  From there we would go to my house.  I was so scared.  I was afraid my mother would find out.  I was scared that she would never trust me again…and…I was nervous of having a boy in my bedroom for the very first time.

At midnight, I walked out the front door of my house.  I wore a hoodie, my pjs, and my sneakers.  All I carried was my cell and house key.  I prayed to god over and over asking to make sure my mom doesn’t come and check on me.  I prayed so hard I almost cried.  I walked slowly at first but my anxiety grew and I started to pick up the pace.  I ran until I got to a big tree.  I could see the school from the top of the hill.  My cell rang and it was Nathan.  I picked it up, whispering as if being quiet was keeping me safe.  He asked where I was and I told him.  He told me to go to the electical boxes.  I didn’t know why.  I walked over there cautiously.  My nerves on end.  Every hair on the back of my neck stood up….that’s when the most terrifying thing that night happened.

Part Eight:
Suddenly from behind the electrical boxes came a deep voice.

“Hey.” it was calm but enough to make me scream and jump three feet in the air. I turned and saw it was Nathan. He was sitting down all calm but amused at how I reacted.

“Holy shit! You scared me!” I could see a car coming in the distance so I ducked down next to Nathan behind the boxes. He smiled and got up.

“Hi.” My heart skipped a beat.

“Hi.” We started walking down the hill. We made small talk and I flirted. The night seemed to get darker. We talked and he could tell how scared I was getting. I started fidgeting and shaking. Nathan saw this as a chance to joke with me. He started talking about monsters in the night. They were non realistic, like tree monsters, ones that hide in the grass, and creek monsters. I laughed, but also got paranoid and took hold of his strong arm. It really amused him.

We got to my house and I warned him what to do. We entered the front door and quickly ran downstairs to my bedroom. I turned on the light and closed the door. I turned to him and smiled nervously. I had warned him over messaging that my room was a mess, but he said he was here to see me, not my room. Nathan made himself comfortable. He took off his shoes and coat. He placed his cellphone on the table near my t.v. He then said it was too bright. I had to admit my light was blinding as it was 12:55am. I turned on the t.v. and put it on mute. I turned off the light and made myself comfortable. I took off my shoes and jacket and sat on my bed. Nathan joined me.

So…what do you want to do? My heart stopped.

Part Nine:
“For just one second I felt whole as you flew right through me.”- Flyleaf

I had never done this before.  I had never had a boy who wasn’t family in my room before.  New experiences were always worth it…right?  To this day, I don’t even know.  Was it worth it to risk a year’s worth of grounding?  I don’t know.  All I knew was that I was falling for Nathan.  I was falling very hard and very fast.

“What do you want to do?”  I asked as I sat down on my bed.  I placed my hands in my lap, clasping my hands together.  I was nervous.  Nervous because there was a guy in my bedroom, nervous because my mom was asleep upstairs, nervous because he always made me nervous.

My breathing had become steady but my palms were becoming warm.  I don’t know how, but we ended up under the covers.  I wanted to hold him in my arms.  I could smell his cologne.  He was so close, I could almost taste his hot breath.  How did he have this effect on me?  He put his arm around me giving me shivers up and down my spine.  I yearned for his soft lips.  I ran my hand through his long hair.  His smile graced his face.  His eyes filled with a fiery passion.  I felt loved.

Before I knew it, we heard someone walking around upstairs.  I looked at my clock.  2:00am.  My mom was coming down the stairs.  My breathing quickened and my heart started racing.  Nathan hid behind my bed.  I got up just as my mom opened the door.

“Natalie, do you need any clothes washed?”

“No mom, I put them all upstairs.”

“All the delicates?  Because you said you needed bras.”

“Yeah mom, I did.  Goodnight.”

I shut the door and tried to catch my breath.  My mom had to embarrass me while I was hiding a boy in my room?  Nathan got up from behind my bed.

“Should I leave?”

“No,”  I don’t want you to leave.  ”it’s ok.”  I got back on my bed waiting for my mom to leave.  She started the washer and turned off the light making her way upstairs.  Nathan layed back down next to me.  A few minutes passed and we were back where we started.  I’ve never felt so exposed, but I couldn’t get enough.  I kept falling and I didn’t mind.

At 3am, Nathan decided to go.  I opened one of my bedroom windows and he popped out the screen.  He climbed out and we popped the screen back.

“I’ll call you soon.”  He smiled.

“Okay, I’ll be waiting.”  He got out of the flower bed and ran.  I watched out my window until he was out of sight.  I would not sleep a wink.

“I can feel you all around me.  Thinckening the air I’m breathing.”-Flyleaf

Part Ten:
I could smell his scent on my clothes, his breath on my pillow.  I was in extacy.  Nathan became my drug.  I kept coming back to him for a fix.  I fell so hard and I knew I kept falling.  I wasn’t sure if it was love or just obsession, but I wanted him.  I lusted him.  I craved him.

The next day, I went to church with huge bags under my eyes but I didn’t care.  There was no one I needed to impress there.  I prayed to God that day.  I thanked him for bringing Nathan into my life.  After all of my past relationships, God blessed me and gave me this wonderful guy in my life.

When I got home, I turned on my laptop and quickly got onto myspace.  Nathan was online.  My heart was throbbing.

Natalie_2009: ello again!

Nathan151: hi there, hows ur day been?

Natalie_2009: eh…kinda bad…ran into my exboyfriend…so it was hard. How about u?

Nathan151: hot and sticky, cuz im all sweaty again. :P

Natalie_2009: hehe…sexy. so we hanging out today?

Nathan151: im not sure, lol.

Natalie_2009: y not?

Nathan151: hmm, not sure, i may be busy cuz my dad wants me to help him with moving all the stuff in my basement(in the corner if u saw it when u were over) up to the garage. so well see.

Natalie_2009: oh, ok. just tell me if you want to later ok?

Nathan151: yes ma’am!

Natalie_2009: lol…i have to go. my mom wants me to go to the mall with her.  ttyl, bye^{o^}

Nathan151: okay then, ttyl!  bye ^o

Natalie_2009: i’m back!

Nathan151: im still hot!!!! but squeeky clean cuz i took a shower.

Natalie_2009: hehe…that’s hot.

Nathan151: lol sure. :P

Natalie_2009: it is!  lol, how r u?

Nathan151: hot in more ways then one. :P

Natalie_2009: lol. did you like sneaking into my room last night?

Nathan151: Well….......yes i did.  I wish i coulda stayed longer though, but summer is coming soon. :P

Natalie_2009: true! :P  i’m still confused on what we are tho….^^’

Nathan151: yeah, jst a tad bit confused though! but we’ll see.

Natalie_2009: ok! now i can’t wait until summer!

Nathan151: haha. :P

Natalie_2009: i know you can’t wait either! ;)

Nathan151: lol, maybe

Natalie_2009: lol, you know it’s true.

Nathan151: i think ur right. :P

Natalie_2009: lol…i want to see you again.

Nathan151: interesting. :P

Natalie_2009: y is that interesting?

Nathan151: jst is. :P

Natalie_2009: why?

Nathan151: just cuz! lol

Natalie_2009: why?!

Nathan151: because!!!!! Lol

Natalie_2009: tell me why!

Nathan151: lol. :-P

Natalie_2009: please tell me.

Nathan151: lol, i 4got wat we were talking about. :P

Natalie_2009: grr….  me-lol…i want to see you again.  you-interesting. :P

Nathan151: lol, dam, u found it!!! :P  cuz it just is!!!!

Natalie_2009: please tell me!

Nathan151: :P

Natalie_2009: :(

Nathan151: lol, it just is!!! :P

Natalie_2009: :(

Nathan151: lol, dont be sad, its good!

Natalie_2009: :/

Nathan151: wat?

Natalie_2009: nothing

Nathan151:do hows ur night been?

Natalie_2009: neutral…u?

Nathan151:my night has been better, cuz im not hot and irritable, lol.

Natalie_2009: that’s kewl.

Nathan151: lol, i suppose. :P

We talked for a while and I started another window so we could continue.

Natalie_2009: what i’d really like to know is how you feel about me.

Nathan151: i feel alota things

Natalie_2009: well…i’m left in the dark right now.

Nathan151: why is that?

Natalie_2009: i know you like me, yet you don’t want to be with me.  i like you and am willing to risk anything to be with you.  i don’t know…  i’m still confused.

Nathan151: i do wanna be with you, theres just some things i dont want to do to you if i fuck up.

Natalie_2009: this is what i don’t understand, how can you fuck up?

Nathan151: Cuz i usually do. :(

Natalie_2009: i thought we wnet over this…i’m the one that fucks up.  and so what if you do? i’m a very forgiving person.

Nathan151: you dont know about how ive fucked up though, i jst dont want to fuck stuff up.

Natalie_2009: then be honest with me. tell me how you’ve fucked up…if you do then i can tell you how i’ve fucked up.

Then he told me about HER.  He knew her for a while and met her in middle school.  They dated and he fell for her.  She became his world.  He told me how he made big deals out of nothing and eventually lost her.  That’s how he fucked up.  I didn’t care about that.  I told him how I basically did the same thing.  I fell for someone and I thought things were great.  But I also made big deals out of nothing and eventually drove him away.  He said he was sick of me.  

Nathan didn’t want the same thing to happen to me again.  I told him that life is all about taking risks.  I told him I’m waiting for him because I didn’t want to just be friends or friends with benefits.  Nathan was afraid of getting hurt and afraid to hurt anyone else.  It was breaking my heart.  I gave him an option.  We could be together or become friends.  I told him that until he made his decision, I would leave him alone.  He was sorry and said he wish he knew.  I told him to let me know when he knew.  I told him that I would wait for him.  He asked if he could give me an answer tomarrow because he needed to think.  I said it was fine.

What can I do?  Nathan, did you want to be with me?  I didn’t know that soon…it was going to end.  My building was being broken down.

Part Eleven:
Slowly, my life was falling apart.  I was confused and scared.  Scared of losing someone so close to me and scared of being hated.  Was I rushing?  It didn’t hit me until now, as I write this.  I pushed him.  I pushed him so hard, not even caring how this might be affecting him.  I wanted Nathan more than anything I have ever wanted in my entire life…I pushed him away.

I got home on Monday, body filled with worry.  I kept my cellphone with me the whole time.  My dad was still gone on buisness so it was just me and my mom.  My mother made dinner and we ate together, I was really happy.

My cellphone beeped.  I knew it was Nathan.  I was anxious.  Almost too scared to read his reply, but I opened the messege.

                                       303-227-2296

                                      I cant and i wont

_{~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~}~~

Natalie_2009: wut do you mean you can’t do it?

Nathan151: I cant be with you, im sorry.

Natalie_2009: oh. can you tell me why?

Nathan151: cuz, right now, i just dont want to try.  I just cant, and i wont.

Natalie_2009: you can’t say “i just cant” and think i’ll let it go.  i need to know why. were you just using me?

Nathan151: im sorry.  i wasnt.

Natalie_2009: so what is this? you hang out with me and flirt with me and i think we might end up together just so you can hurt me?

Nathan151: see, i fucked it up anyway.

Natalie_2009: i don’t care. i forgive you. i understand how you feel. but i want to be with you. and now it hurts to know that we can’t be that. just because you won’t let it.

Nathan151: i just dnno.

Natalie_2009: ...damnit…i don’t want to cry.

Nathan151: then dont, just 4get about me.  im nothing.

Natalie_2009: i can’t forget about you. i’m sorry but you can’t ask me that. because you’re not nothing. you’re everything.

What was I saying?  Was I insane?  I just told him that he was everything.  I must have been taking this really hard.

Nathan151: how can i be everything, it was only about a week. i cant be everything.

Natalie_2009: ok not everything but you meant a lot to me. so i’m sorry.

Nathan151: i dunno, just w/e

Natalie_2009: so that’s just it?

Nathan151: yepp, i guess it is

I logged off of myspace and closed my laptop.  I didn’t know what to think.  I cried.  I don’t know if it was out of anger or sadness…but I cried.  It felt over and I didn’t know what to do.  My building was merely rubble at my feet.  My heart was throbbing from pain.

Part Tweleve:
“I want to rip at my flesh, to get rid of every memory.”-May 23, 2006

I begged for the weekend to come.  I prayed that I wouldn’t see him, but I did.  At his locker, five days a week…he was there.  Thank goodness finals were coming up.  I focused all my energy on studying.  At night, I would cry.  I would hold my face in my pillow and muffle my screams.  I would pretend I was happy and disguise my face with a smiling mask.  I would laugh it off and say, “Nathan’s a loser, I’ll find a better guy.”  But inside, I was dying.  Why did I feel this way?  How could I fall so hard and so fast in just a short time?  I knew I liked him a lot but…why did it hurt so much?  Why would I cry so much for a guy I knew for a couple of weeks?  It couldn’t be love…could it?  NO!  I didn’t love Nathan, that’s absurd.  Love hurts people…I was hurt.  Love can make people obsessed…I was obsessed.  Love makes you crazy…I was becoming mental…I loved him?  I was in love with Nathan?  No, I couldn’t be.  Nathan hurt me.  He used me.  He abused me.  How could I love him?  I can’t.  I don’t.  I gave up on love.  How could I fall for someone who hurt me?  I’m a whore.  He exposed me and I let him.  I let him…oh my God…I’m a whore, a fucking WHORE!  How did I let this happen?

...I’m a shattered spirit…

“It hurts to know that I’ll never see you, and if I do it won’t be the same.”-May 27, 2006

Part Thirteen:
Summertime.  It came fast and I treasured it.  I was away from my reality.  I couldn’t shed another tear.  Nathan was out of my life and I was truely happy.  The mistakes I made seemed to disapear and I was left with no regrets.  I tried moving on.  My mother and I decided to go to Florida for my cousin’s wedding.  I was excited to get away.  I would go get a tan, meet some cute boys on the beach, and forget about you-know-who.  In time, there would be no Nathan and all my worries would fade…

Or so I thought…

It was early June.  I was spending my summer wasting time on myspace, chatting with friends, and writing poetry about love and hate.  I looked at my best friend’s profile to leave a comment…but what I saw shocked me beyond all compare.

Nathan was asking my friend Rachel* for my number.  He said he got a new phone and needed my number.  I was filled with rage!  Why the hell would he want to talk to me again?!  I spend my summer trying to forget him and he wants to talk to me?  I left my friend a comment asking why he wanted my number.  I blocked him, so I knew he tried to talk to me but he couldn’t.  I was filled with so much rage that my body was shaking.  But I was curious to know what he had to say.  I took my cellphone and sent him a text messege.  All my messege was, was of my number.  He said thank you and asked who it was.  I told him it was Natalie*.

Later, he called and said he was in Wisconsin visiting his mother.  We talked for a few minutes.  He said he was sorry.  He told me he felt bad and wanted to know what I want to do from here.  I told him I had to think about it.  We ended our phone call and I thought about what to do.

What could I do?  Did he want to be with me this time or did he want to go back to the way things were?  If we patched things up, I’d want to be his girlfriend…if we didn’t, I’d go back to being mad and forcing myself to move on.  The pain of being rejected and the pain of doing what I did, was too much for one person to handle.  I couldn’t go through that again.  Nathan, what do you want?  Do you want me?

I stayed on myspace trying to come to a decision.  I was confused, scared, and a little angry…but I didn’t know wheather to go back to not knowing how he felt and staying with him as a “make out buddy”.  I can’t do that Nathan.  I can’t do that because…I love you.

This, was the scariest thing I’ve ever said.  Mostly…because I was scared of getting hurt.  I didn’t want to fall in love again.

Part Fourteen:
Nathan151: How was thinkin?
Natalie_2009: long and frustrating.
Nathan151: Well, did you come to any conclusions?
Natalie_2009: ok…
i really like you. you’re sweet, funny, and so nice to me. but you hurt me really badly. i cried for three days. and i know we all tend to fuck up. so i think that some of it was my fault as well. i wanted to be more than friends, but not friends with benefits.
Nathan151: i see.
Natalie_2009: before i decide on anything. i need to know how you feel about me.
Nathan151: Hmmmmmmmm,,,..........
Natalie_2009: what do you feel when you think of me?
Nathan151: I feel alot.
I even thought of coming over the other night and knocking on your window and apologizing.
I feel emotion. I feel like i want to be with you, but I feel like I dont want to hurt you.
Natalie_2009: you should have come over. I would have let you in.
i want to be with you too.
Nathan151: That wasnt a good night though, I did some more stupid shit
and ahhh! ur default is giving me a seizure!!!

I laughed at this.  He was talking about my new picture that kept flashing images really fast.

Natalie_2009: y wasn’t it a good night?
don’t tell me you don’t love it.
Nathan151: cuz of the stupid thing i was doing
i have a headache now, i swaer, lol
Natalie_2009: lol.
so….
Nathan151: hold on, ill brb
my moms gonna check her emials
Natalie_2009: ok
Nathan151: So hows ur night been?
Natalie_2009: um…ok i guess…u?
Nathan151: good in ways bad in others.
Natalie_2009: how?
Nathan151: good
×im on vacation
×i have all my anime once again
×im getting contacts this week
×im getting a camera maybe this week
×i get to be with family this week
bad
×im a horrible person
×im on probation
×i miss friends
Natalie_2009: how r u a horrible person.
i can’t wait to see you in contacts.
Nathan151: Horrible people break into houses.
Horrible people like me do stupid shit.
Should I tell you what I did on Monday? Maybe Itll show you how horrible of a person I am
I guess so, but I thought you said you were glad you didnt have to see me?
Natalie_2009: i was still mad at you when i said that.
tell me what happened.
Nathan151: Well why arent u mad at me now then?
I stole a car. :-|
Natalie_2009: you stole a car!!!!!!
i don’t know. i guess i thought that maybe if i didn’t see you or talk to you, my feelings would fade away.
Nathan151: See, im a fucked up person.
I see.
Natalie_2009: you’re not fucked up…you just like the rush i guess.
yeah. i don’t know. i tried that and it didn’t work. because i still like you a lot. i don’t think i’ll ever stop liking you.
Nathan151: No, it wasnt even for a rush…...I just did it cuz I did.
:-|
Dont say that…...........cuz i dont want to hurt you again.
Natalie_2009: at this point i don’t even care if you do hurt me. i wanna be with you.
Nathan151: Why?
Natalie_2009: i’ve been hurt a lot. you hurt me badly, but not as bad as i’ve been hurt before. i want to be with you because you’re sincere and honest. i told you the one thing i don’t tell most guys. and you understood me. you didn’t judge me or call me a whore. and that’s what i like about you. how you can always be funny, sweet, and nice to me and you don’t have to force yourself.
Nathan151: I dont know, I just hate hurt.
I hate every single part of it, whether I am giving it or recieving it. I just dont want to hurt you again. If just this hurt you so bad, i dont know how much it would hurt you if sumthing ever happened and we were together for a long time, i just dnno.
Natalie_2009: i don’t care. i’m willing to take that risk. because if i didn’t, i would always wonder what if. and i don’t want to wonder what if, i want to know.
pain is hard, i know. i don’t want to get hurt or to hurt you. but i want to be with you. i won’t care if i get hurt because then i’ll know not to risk it again.
Nathan151: Hm, I want to, but I dont want to. I just dnno. :-|
Natalie_2009: ...deja vu.
we’ve been through this before.
Nathan151: I know.
Im sorry.
Maybe, hopefully, Ill know by the time I get back on the 9th. I dunno.
Natalie_2009: god…i don’t know if i can go through this again.
tell me when you know.
Nathan151: I know.
I will.

Was I making a mistake?  Maybe…but I always believed in second chances.  Maybe things would change…but I had to find out.  I had to take another risk.  I had to see if this was going to work.

Part Fifteen:
“She’d do anything to sparkle in his eye.  She would suffer, she would fight, and compromise.”-Vanessa Carlton

Life was going back to the way it was back in May.  Days were flying by and I was becoming more and more in love with Nathan.  But the more I fell in love, the more frightened I became.  I knew he still loved HER and I was afraid to be rejected by him.  I knew in my heart that I loved him.  He was the first thought when I woke up in the morning, the last thought before I went to sleep, and the one I dreamed about every night.  More love meant more pain.  My heart constantly hurt.  I was dying to tell him how I feel.  I wanted him to know that I want to be with him so much that it hurt me physically.

But I couldn’t…

Like a child’s first day of school, fear filled my being when I thought about confessing to him.  How could I tell him?  How do you tell someone you love them?

I didn’t know…

Nathan and I went back to normal.  We were both on myspace for most of the day talking to eachother.  I loved reading his writing.  Nathan wrote true stories and posted them on his blogs.  They were so detailed that you felt like you were there.  You could feel his emotions through his writing which only amazed me beyond belief.

Nathan wrote to me while he was visiting his mom.  Our conversations involved his pro’s and con’s.  He was happy being there but something showed that he was worried…almost depressed.  He talked about doing something bad.  Of course, he wouldn’t tell me what it was that he was thinking.  But not knowing made me fear the future.  His future, my future, our future.

“But everything happens for reasons that she will never understand.  ’Til she knows that the heart of a woman will never be found in the arms of a man.”-Vanessa Carlton

Part Sixteen:
Time was running out.  Florida was a few days away and I still hadn’t told Nathan how I felt.  I couldn’t tell him over myspace because I figured it was impersonal.  I couldn’t just write in a messege “Oh, by the way…I think I love you.”  He’d think I was crazy.  I needed to tell him one way or the other.  I was wasting time just thinking about how to tell him.  Tell him…Don’t tell him.  A constant circle in the metal wheel of life, I was the hampster running.

I had to decide whether it was worth it to tell him or not.  If he asked why, what would I say?  I love that you tease me all the time?  Great reason!

I have always wished that life was a video game.  I knew the outcome if I went one way, if it was the wrong choice then I could go back to the last save spot and choose the other way to beat the game.  But life isn’t a video game.  All life is, is a certain amount of days that define who you are.  Significant times that change and shape you identity.  This…was my significant time.

It was Saturday night.  I was to leave early monday morning and I knew I had to at least see Nathan before I left.  I knew that as soon as I saw him, it would be the perfect chance to tell him.  Perfect chance to tell Nathan that I love him.  If he rejected me again, all I’d have to do is go to Florida and get over him.  But I didn’t want to think about the outcome.  The only thing on my mind was seeing Nathan again.  I asked him if I could see him before I leave.  He told me it’d have to be tonight.  So once again…I had to venture out into the dark and sneak a boy back into my room.  The adrenaline rush was becoming too much to bare.

I logged off my computer and ran downstairs to my bedroom.  I cleaned up as much as possible and tried to make my room and myslef look decent.  My hair was a mess because I just got out of the shower.  I put on my maroon hoodie and ran my brush through my hair a couple of times.  I thought about brushing my teeth again even though I brushed them no longer then an hour ago but I didn’t want him to think I was trying too hard.  I turned on my t.v. so there was a little light in my room.  I popped out the screen from my window.  The same window Nathan snuck out of the month before.  I put on my running shoes and placed my cellphone in my pocket.  I was scared.  My dad was home, I could get caught.  My mother’s window was right above mine and open.  I couldn’t get caught.  I’d be dead if I did.  My stomach was twisting, my mouth became dry…this rush might kill me.  I sprayed on a little perfume before turning off my light and climbing out my window.  The sprinklers went off twice already.  The flowerbed under my window was wet and mud-filled.  ’Just terrific.’ I thought.  I sat on the edge of my window looking up at my mother’s open window.  If fear wasn’t already a factor, it became one as I continued to climb out the window.

One thing left on my mind as I ran down the street to meet Nathan in the park behind my house.  ’Dear Lord, Please don’t let me get caught.’

(to be continued)

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