Short Story / Cry baby

Interesting piece of microfiction.  I like the tone, and it’s got a good through theme.

It has a sort of twisted alice in wonderland feel to it for some reason, which I liked.

My only crit would be I did find some of the phrases a little jarring for some reason – “my own valedictory ritual” for example, seemed a little heavy, especially when compared with what I thought was a brilliant phrase, like “19 inches to the left of the standard lamp”.  The valedictory just seems that little bit ott for the character, somehow.  I think I’d tweak those and then it’d be perfect.

Perhaps I’m not the ideal reviewer for this. I’m less a fan of experimental writing than I am of experimental poetry (Cohen et al). I’d very much like to “get” this, to see a meaning behind it, but all I see is a clever juggling of metaphysical concepts.

One line – “It was the eater of worlds who had been eaten and beaten by my own valedictory ritual of devastation” – made me cringe, I have to be honest. What on earth is a valedictory ritual of devastation? But other lines caught my imagination. Paras 2, 3 and 5 are superbly constructed, and whilst they mean very little to me, they create memorable images. I can see this being part of something bigger, but it doesn’t comfortably stand alone.

I liked this, it conjured an interesting mental picture, kind of unpleasant and surreal.  You’ve done a good job with your description.

This was perfect. The imagery was wonderful. The scene played out beautifully. It was the grotesque – but you managed to make it beautiful instead of something I would shy away from.

I just … there aren’t any more words to describe it really. It was simply perfect.

I gave it a 10.

Awesome. I’d love to read MORE. So my only critique is that there isn’t more of it to read.

I dig it. I dig the story, the scene, the structure, the flow, language, phrases, mood – all of it.
This was an enjoyable read.
I don’t have any suggestions for major improvement. I would tweak the line length, but I can see why you’d keep the long lines lines.
p.s. I admire you for writing this in conversation with a picture.

This is interesting even if I didn’t quite understand it. I’m sure it’s got something to say on a metaphorical level, but what I do like about it, precisely, is that it is so “out there.” I had to read it a couple of times to understand what was happening, and I like that sort of thing.

I don’t know what you’re looking for in terms of critiquing, here, but I only have a couple of suggestions:

“His barbed skeleton, revealed through the actions of my belly juices”: I really had a hard time understanding this, but then finally, I understood that the world eater had eaten through his skin. Maybe just putting the sentence a different way would have it make more sense? I’m not sure how, of course, but maybe it’s the use of the passive voice: “revealed through the actions”, that throws it off. Maybe using the active voice there would be better?

I also think that if you wanted to sell this someplace as a stand-alone piece, then what you probably want to do is give it some sort of “plot”, because now, although there is definitely a series of actions, it feels like this is more of a description which doesn’t really move anywhere.

I’m not sure what your goal is for this, like I said (other than “to be admired for,”), but I do think it would make an interesting descriptive piece for an artwork, which, of course, is where you said it came from anyway.

Best of luck and don’t give up!

This made me laugh. The eater of the eater of worlds, lol. It’s weird and demented in a funny sort of way.

This piece is very interesting but a little unclear without first reading that you were responding to a work of art.  Your word choice is interesting and makes one think.

Sounds like a nighmare.  There needs to be a better beginning to this. It seems like the middle of a story without a theme or plot.

This is an intrguing story which made me want to investigate further. Reads like the metaphysicals and leaves you uncomfortable and vying for its truth. I would have liked to have read more, but have I enjoyed the uncertainty and personal realm to which I have been introduced.