Poetry / Shooting Stars

I have to disagree with the first review…this is not expressions of cliched thoughts and phrasings. I’ll explicate the first stanze to illustrate my position…

Lying in death, living
in hope, spiraling
towards reality to find
an eternity that’s been so long
echoing and still
we kiss away the cold as one.

The opening line introduces a uniquely phrased contradiction as ‘death’ and ‘living’ juxtapose each other, suggesting both the eventual and ironic conclusion of life. The idea of ‘lying in death’ and ‘living in hope’ effectively and beautifully expresses the horrible reality of life, that being born condemns us to death. This may be a common and unversal theme but this particular construction is hardly cliche (i’d have to see when and where it was previously expressed in these terms).

The second complete thought “spiraling
towards reality to find/ an eternity that’s been so long/ echoing and still/ we kiss away the cold as one.” simultaneously suggests an eternal struggle to confront reality in socially useful terms and introduces the haunting element of death into the poem. The speaker recognizes that previous generations have felt these feelings (the echoes), which I assume is where the first reviewer finds evidence of the cliche, but i’d argue that this recognition raises the poem above the cliche and places it in a larger historical context. The death implied by “the cold” provides the connection between the characters that is introduced in the second stanza.

This poem is haunting for its certainty “it’s been found that you, that me/ are insanely sewn together by/ silken strings; it’s meant to be.” and if it suffers from anything it is the overwhelming emotion that exists in and beyond it. If there is a weakness it is the compulsive need to express emotion in the most direct and heightened terms possible, a raising of the stakes to the highest level, where love is a life and death pursuit.

i like this poem alot, but the structure is alittle weird for me.  i like to keep ideas on one line but some people like it the way you did it.  all in all the poem is very good. keep writing, you’re good at it!

Your poetry makes my heart sing – my senses pick up where they left days ago. I feel renewed by your words. I have to read a lot more of yours. I have now added you as a favorite author here.

Nina

this is okay but there is some cliche in there that either needs to be weeded out or changed.  e.g:
“Lying in death, living
in hope, spiraling
towards reality to find
an eternity that’s been so long”
this is all cliche-
“Our story hasn’t ended but only begun;
an epic for the ages”
“all broken hearts and tears of stone.
You and I will live in the sky”
You need to think of your own images here.
also the part were yo say decieved and lied is kind of redundant.
This isn’t bad but you need to rid yourself of cliches