Thanks for the review. To answer your question, stanza 20 is supposed to be son, not song, although song would make sense too. It refers to the anti-Christ. And I’m glad you caught the extra punctuation-it was put in there with a purpose. This poem was an experiment to see if I could hold to a certain form, mainly an anagram that runs the length of the poem. (The first letter of each line, starting at the last line and going up to the first, is part of a hidden stanza and the added punctuation is for that stanza. It’s a little weird, I know, but it was an experiment.)
Poetry / His Song
His Song
Song, living from the start;:
Notes float from divine heart
In the air; let all be true
As water leaves from sky,
Man first hears joyful cry,
Eden’s song brings to life
Rest in peace, free from strife.
Here in peace, life would fall,
two so chose. Ending all
Use of hope and bliss so true,
Reaving, they fled the fear
That serpent’s foe was near.
Thistle clad and found out,
Earthen pair shook with doubt.
Ever on, Love would come
With news of sin’s dread sum.
“Son of dust,” said Love in true,
“Songs of life cannot be
Ever yours from the Tree.’
Vanish now from this place,
On to wait death’s embrace.”
Love, though, could never leave
Life caught in deadly weave,
Lost to sin, lost to light true,
In the dark, with death’s kiss.
To man, Love would promise
Saving grace; to all who
Seek His face, life anew.,
Now from the garden gone,
In the wastes, barren dawns
All speak to man, their words true,
That beauty is past. Now
Stand tears and sweat of brow.
Struggles and blood and pain
Now are man’s sole domain.’
In the ages that came
So few evoked Love’s name.
hymns, voice, and song fell not true,
Given with hearts so dark,
Under their leers, souls stark
Of love and hope and light,
reeking sin, death, and fright.
Here and there wandered man,
Tortured dust fell in clan.
“To each one, we will be true,,
Heaven lies in our reach,
Greatness the sky will breach
In a tower built high.
Next to none, man will fly.”
end came swift to man’s plans,
Haughty beasts, they all ran,
Torn by fear of Love’s voice, true
Nectar that soothes the soul.
Instead, tongues turned to coal.
Gone were man’s prideful words,;
Now lost were Babel’s birds.
Isis, Baal, men brought up,
So to fill their bare cups
Of things that they knew not true,
Terrors, shades, black as night,
Gods of demons, grim plight
Neared all men gathered there,
Offered to prince of air.
Sin and shameful deeds reigned,
Scorning Love’s own heart pained.
“Come! Come see our sins! It’s true!”’
Is the shriek from hate’s jaws,
Sinking fangs with no pause
Until life creeps from corpse,
Morbid death ends its warps.
Sent were priests, prophets, kings,
Deep with Love’s dire tidings:
“Nigh is doom, lest hearts turn true.”
All scoffed, while mired in
Things that sow and reap sin,
Sorrow, and death. Man’s blood
Gave way in drowning floods.,
Not one could save himself
In sin’s stale, swirling delph.
Then, Love’s song once more sang true,
Singing back man’s hope lost,
Notes gone since Eden’s cost.
Womb bore fruit from this song,
Offspring to right man’s wrong.
Son of Song, humbly born
Herald to a world torn:’
Throes and pains so longed now true;
As Rachael mourns her sons,
each sought by jealous one,
Day dawns to night’s relief-
Young Love to end sin’s grief.
Balm of man was Love’s psalm;
Tears and storms quickly calm;
Notes of soft voice that speaks true,
Each drifts to deepest core.
People, throngs flocked to fore,
Scores longed for Song’s tender
Notes to mend sin’s splendor.
Umber shades kept wild lands
Edged in waste, sin, and sands.,
Urge of Love’s heart, sung so true,
Rang out in desert vales
To heal hurts, aching ails.
Deaf, dumb, sickly or slight,
None were refused Love’s Wright.
Alas, on came Love’s foes
Taught by serpent’s false flows.
Hate filled their black hearts not true.
Gains by the murk of vice,
in stealth came traitor’s price.
All seemed lost: Love betrayed,
Ripped, torn-for thirty paid.
Trials by torch burn away;
Soldiers whip, beat, and flay.
Ground by sin, still Song stood true;,
notes of love never ceased.
on came death, the pale priest,
Riding on winds of glee
To behold Skull and tree.
Sky and earth, standing still,
Donned tears upon that hill,
notes of grief for one so true.
All at once blinding rays
echoed from fire and fray
“Rise up, Love, from the deep,
Uproot now from death’s keep.”
Serpent shook with dark rage
Over Love’s now bare cage.
“Song’s sweet words, they are not true!”
Taunts evil one’s false tide,.
“Stand instead by my side
Against all that Love holds
Come and make new the old.”
End in sight- starts sin’s son,
“Rue the night, Love’s undone;
All that stood so sure and true:
Shambled now with my rule.
Edged sword, sharpened for duel;
Plague, famine, death and doom
Obscure threads of Love’s loom.”
Heaven’s sage, pure of lies,
Twelve of tribes, twelve so wise,
Up to time’s end, all sing true.
Oval crowns stand laid down;
Robed in their starry gowns,
Each lets loose wondrous praise,
Voices lit with Love’s rays.
Evil swills son of snake,
Torrid souls left in wake;,
Soft, sin sings its song not true
And sweeps up from dark halls.
Pallid prince groans his gall;
Dragon’s claws seek to maim.
Notes of death- world aflame.
As eagles fly sky’s girth,
“Woe, woe, woe, upon earth,
Orb that not once could stay true;
Now comes judgment and fire,
Dark and doom fuel the pyre.
Look, with sky rent aside,
Rides Love past death’s divide.
“Oh, let every eye see
Who comes clothed in glory!
Dear heart, dear soul, your Love true,
Ever true, comes on clouds
Dressed with splendor as shroud,
And death and sin will cease,
Jades Song swallowed with peace.”
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jaugne reviewed Version 2 -
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Review of Version 1
I really like this poem. I really do.
Its very simply written, no flowery metaphors or pretentious language and its very consise (I never spell that right). The grammar’s right, no silly spelling, its great.
The subject matter is universal, who doesn’t want to be a better person?
Very hard to constructively review somebody you think has got it right!
Perhaps you could add another verse to it? Perhaps an echo or response to the first from the perspective of the reflection?
When I write poetry and I think its good, I dread writing another verse because I think it’ll detract from the first – perhaps that’s a familiar feeling? If so, you could try making it almost a seperate poem, change the structure, tempo, rhyming etc. and have them as a pair rather than two verses – might help?
Alot of people arew scared of the religious, or perception of religious, theme, but what I most like about your poem is its spirituality.
These lines:
Heaven’s sage, pure of lies,
Twelve of tribes, twelve so wise,
Up to time’s end, all sing true.
Oval crowns stand laid down;
Robed in their starry gowns,
Each lets loose wondrous praise,
Voices lit with Love’s rays.
Evil swills son of snake,
Torrid souls left in wake;,
Soft, sin sings its song not true
And sweeps up from dark halls.
Pallid prince groans his gall;
Dragon’s claws seek to maim.
Notes of death- world aflame.
As eagles fly sky’s girth,
“Woe, woe, woe, upon earth,
Orb that not once could stay true;
Now comes judgment and fire,
Dark and doom fuel the pyre.
Look, with sky rent aside,
Rides Love past death’s divide.
Sublime!
Apart from that kudos on a good poem!
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Johnsienoel reviewed Version 2 -
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Is it intentional that you end the third line of every verse with the word ‘true?’ When a poem is this long, unless it is a refrain, the repetition of one word becomes very distracting.
Psalms and Proverbs are just a few of the poetic books in the Bible. The difficulty I have in reading your poem is the forced rhythm; it doesn’t flow and lilt off the tongue. I reference those two books as a idea of how the meter could be improved.
I admire the subject matter but feel through careful editing the purest message can come ‘true.’
drunkb4noon reviewed Version 2 -
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wow was that genesis to revalations in one well written poem? I liked the dramatic imagery. it really appears that you worked hard and should be proud of this detailed work.
hardcorewriter reviewed Version 2 -
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This may be one of the best poems that I have read in a really long time. I wish I were able to write as well as this piece is written. Of all the verses, I feel that my favorite was:
Serpent shook with dark rage
Over Love’s now bare cage.
“Song’s sweet words, they are not true!”
Taunts evil one’s false tide,.
“Stand instead by my side
Against all that Love holds
Come and make new the old.”
There is not really anything to criticize you on because it was an overall fantastic and well thought out poem. As to its purpose, I followed it well. I don’t think that it had much of one, but it was beautiful. I felt myself fall into the poem as though I were the words, flowing gracefully across the page. Thank you for sharing!
Tabris reviewed Version 2 -
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I understand that you wanted a unique format for the piece—Or at least I am hoping so, but you appear to have sacrifice grammar, or word-choice for doing so, and not only confused us literary-wise, but with the difference and shift in rythm.
Take for example:
“Song, living from the start;:
Notes float from divine heart
‘from divine heart’ seems anticlimactic, given what you’re referencing. Also, it’s an unclean transition.
In the air; let all be true
As water leaves from sky,
Man first hears joyful cry,
‘hears joyful cry’, again, there’s that rough transition, even a simple ‘the’ would help in such areas.
Best of wishes—
Lizzyerd reviewed Version 1 -
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Reading this, I thought I’d share with you something a reviewer told me that : it is hard to ryhme in poetry and remain making sense. You did that.
Very good work. Thank you for sharring.
backgroundmusic reviewed Version 1 -
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i found it very inspirational,and kept me interested to want to read ita second time. good job!
j_m_richards reviewed Version 1 -
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I can’t believe no one has reviewed this!
First of all, though I enjoy poetry in moderation, I often have trouble sitting down and actually reading it. And though this was long, its length served a purpose and so kept my interest. I knew if it was going to start in the garden it was going to be pretty comprehensive. I liked your treatment of major biblical events, and the theme of truth in each stanza.
Also, I found the theme of ‘song’ interesting; especially used at the begining of creation, it reminded me of “The Magician’s Nephew” by C.S. Lewis.
Was the first line in stanza 20 supposed to read ‘start’s sin’s sonG’?
Overall—good piece, different, but not diffucult to read.
And I have no idea what the extra punctuation was for, though it was intersting.
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