Thanks for the complement on the story. This is actually a draft and has been edited to read better.
Romance / Keepin' It Tight, Chapter 1, He's Mine
Chapter 1
He’s Mine
Sunbeams burst through the red velvet curtains stirring Lela from her sleep. She gently peeled back the red silk sheets that entangled her body. Her eyes instinctively fixed on the empty space beside her in her bed, the spot that belonged to her beau, Ty. Tyrese Whitman. His full name dancing across her mind sent a sweet tingle down her spine. Lela Whitman, she delighted at the thought. They lived together for the past year and last week out of the blue Ty popped the question. Lela accepted without hesitation, and who would hesitate? He was appropriately named Tyrese for he could have been the singer’s twin. During the course of their relationship, they had their fair share of bumpy moments, but she was confident things would change for the better once they were married. Besides she would not let a man as fine as Tyrese slip through her fingers.
Lela surveyed her scantly clad body and reminisced last night’s events. Lela worked at home as a medical transcriptionist and after spending almost eight hours straight posted up in front of her computer working she was mentally exhausted. She was delighted to confirm that the delicious aroma she had picked up on earlier was her favorite dinner, shrimp fried rice, prepared by none other than Chef Tyrese.
After the main course, he led her to the bathroom where rose petals and scented jasmine bathwater awaited her. When she closed the door, there was a pink Victoria Secret bag adorned with a big white bow and a heart shaped note hanging on the wall hook. It read, “To the woman who lights up my life. Love Tyrese.” She snatched the bag down eager to open her gift. Inside was a red sexy Baby Doll lingerie and a large bottle of Rapture, her favorite perfume.
”What is all of this for Ty?” Lela asked in surprise, and threatened to kill the mood by adding, “and where did you get money for this?” She tried her best to mask any cynicism from her voice. She tried to tell herself to just enjoy the moment, but instinct got the best of her. “Last time I checked you were unemployed,” she mumbled softly.
Ty strode with pride back into the bathroom and placed one hand on Lela’s chin raising her face so that their eyes met. He kissed her soft lips, using his free hand to unbutton her shirt. ”It’s for you babe. Just…just because.”
He kissed the groove between her breasts taking a moment to suck on her Peony fragranced skin.
”Because what Ty.” Lela protested. Her mind weighed the fact that he had not paid bill one this month, but yet had money for gifts. However, her body begged her to enjoy the sensational ride he was guaranteed to take her on if she was willing. Her body won.
Tyrese was a handsome chocolate brother. He was a body builder, and when he was not body building he was playing basketball with his boys. Lela had spent many hours over their courtship massaging and adoring his muscular body. He was a double threat too. He had book sense and a street edge that was so damn sexy, further to that he was authentic and always seemed sincere. He had an air about him that would suck her in every time.
Lela glided out of her pants and panties in one swift motion. Tyrese standing there licking his lips in all of his chocolate glory cleared all of her inhibitions. ”Oh, you are good Ty. That’s why I keep you around,” she said faintly as she unzipped his pants while kissing him under his chin.
”Why you moving so fast lady? We have all night. Go ahead and soak your body, and allow me to pamper you tonight.” Ty said in his best rendition of Barry White. He gently guided her into the bubbles and then kneeled down and kissed her lips once again. ”Consider every treat you get tonight a token of my love for you, and you can expect much more of this. Today is a new day.” Tyrese sat down on a stool near the tub. ”As far as the money, I’ve been hustling CD’s and DVD’s at Lamar’s shop all day because I wanted to do something nice for you.” Ty explained.
Today is a new day. Lela didn’t know the exactly what he meant by that statement, but she liked the sound of it. She settled on dropping the money subject and she was glad she did.
Stepping out of the tub, she dabbed some lotion on her hand and spread it evenly over her mocha latte skin. Her flawless skin was one of her best assets. On entering the bedroom, she stood in awe at the scene before her. There were six candle stands holding up six big white candles with three on either side of the bed. Her red silk comforter was turned down and Tyrese was lying on the bed in his black silk pajama pants she bought him for his birthday.
“I don’t know what to say. This is so nice Ty.”
“I didn’t do all of this to see what you would say.” He hinted.
First he spoon fed her fresh fruit in bed, and by the end of the night she was begging for mercy. As she drifted off to sleep, she was glad she didn’t start an argument about money.
That was until 5:05 a.m. when Lela was awakened from her sleep by Ty sprinkling kisses all over her neck. She delighted at the thought that he was waking her up for round four.
” I need to ask you something babe.” Ty whispered seductively.
”Anything babe.” Lela moaned through her morning breath.
”Can I borrow three hundred dollars to get my alternator replaced? Before you say anything, I will pay you back as soon as I sell my four-wheeler, babe, but I need to get my car fixed so I can have transportation to get out and make money for us.
Lela’s mood deflated like a tire with a slow leak. This was her first time hearing about his car needing repairs. ”I didn’t know you were having problems with your car.”
”Yeah I got it checked out yesterday after I had to get two jumpoffs. I hate to have to ask you for the money, but…”
”You know I got you babe.” She gave him the money without too much argument. Even though she was tired of pulling the weight, she knew he was hustling to get his adult entertainment business off the ground, and she believed in standing by her man. ” Besides you said you would pay it back, right?”
He nodded his head yes. “Um huh.”
”So come on over here and finish what you started.”
*
Brinnng. Brinnng. The phone rang.
”Hello.” Lela answered surly.
”Wake up sleepy head. I’ll be over there in about 30 minutes to pick you up.” It was Tonya.
”Over here?” She looked at her alarm clock. It was 8:30 a.m. She had only been sleep an hour since Ty left. ”Right. Give me an hour.”
It was the first Saturday of the month, which meant it was girls night out. This also meant the two ladies would spend the day getting their hair done, spa treatments, shopping, more shopping, then later hit up whichever club was jumping.
”Don’t tell me you forgot?” Tonya said dryly.
”No, never that.” Lela lied. After last night, and then this morning, she pretty much forgot everything on her agenda for today. ”It’s just I’m just waking up.”
”Aiight. I’ll be there in an hour. Be ready.”
”Look whose talking. You know your watch is set to BFT so I’m the one who probably is going to be waiting.” Lela teased. ”Bye girl.”
”Bye sis.” For the first time in a while Lela danced in the mirror and then headed for the shower.
Tonya was the most fun person you could be around once she had about three cups of Henny and coke in her system, so she knew she was going to have a ball with her friend today. Looking in the mirror she convinced herself that it was okay to bankroll her man, “so what if I had to kick my man a few dollars. At least he’s trying to get some business about himself, so he can have a steady income done day. And he’s mine.”
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robinDEredwine reviewed Version 4 -
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AnnEnglish reviewed Version 4 -
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/b My comments are intended to be helpful. Please do not be discouraged. The story is fine and I am sure you will not grudge the effort in polishing it to perfection.
Sunbeams burst through the red velvet curtains
/b The point about curtains, especially heavy velvet ones, is that the sun doesn’t burst through them. I suggest “sunlight woke her early. The curtains were undrawn, All night, as they tumbled in red satin, any passer by could have seen their passionate (etc.)”
She gently … Her eyes instinctively … He was appropriately… her scantly clad body …
/b I think you mean “scantily”. Almost always, adverb+verb and adverb +adjective is better expressed by a better verb. Or adjective. I view adverbs as notes to myself to start writing. I suggest “She peeled a sheet from her body and wiped her (etc.)”, “the vacant space beside her reminded her of the night’s (etc.)”, “he could have been named after (etc.), because (etc.)”, and “under the sheet she was naked.”
and reminisced last night’s events.
/b I suggest “reminisce about events” or simply “remembered what happened last night.” I think this series of flashbacks is confusing. I suggest you tell the story from last night, if necessary, in correct time order. If it’s important, build tension. Example only: she’s happy, something more than good sex, she’s waiting to be taken down town, they’re going to choose a …, here he is, have they got an appointment?, no, he’s got a box, he’s chosen it without involving her, she recognises it – “That’s the ring that DeeDee LaFaye threw back at you, you swine!” (end of example) If it’s not important, leave it out, I suggest.
Lela worked at home as a medical transcriptionist and after spending almost eight hours straight posted up in front of her computer working she was mentally exhausted.
/b I think this is a tense slippage. In this reminiscence she “had been” exhausted, I think.
She was delighted
/b “had been delighted.” After a couple of “had been”s it’s ok to use the simple past until the end of the flashback but you MUST (forgive my shouting) flag the resumption of your story with a discourse marker. Example. Now, back in the present, she put her memories behind her and (etc.)
her Peony fragranced skin.
/b No cap on “peony”
”Because what Ty.” Lela protested. Her mind weighed the fact that he had not paid bill one this month, but yet had money for gifts. However, her body begged her to enjoy the sensational ride he was guaranteed to take her on if she was willing. Her body won.
/b My personal reaction to heroines who ignore every red flag because the rat is good in bed is “yuck”. I don’t think emotional blindness is a characteristic of grown-up women. Those last three words of yours above shriek “loser” to me.
. Lela had spent many hours over their courtship
/b These words appear to be a flashback within a flashback. You appear to be telling the story backwards. I suggested, above, another approach.
/b Paragraphs are a good idea. Paragraphs are dialogue markers, too.
Brinnng. Brinnng. The phone rang.
/b This appears to be the end of the flashback. I think you should make it more clear.
”Hello.” Lela answered surly.
/b “Surly” isn’t an adverb and cant be used here. The adverb meaning “in a surly fashion” is “surlily.” Dont use it either, I suggest, for up to now Lela hasn’t appeared surly.
”Wake up sleepy head. I’ll be over there in about 30 minutes to pick you up.” It was Tonya.
”Over here?” She looked at her alarm clock. It was 8:30 a.m.
/b It’s not clear why Ty left so early, or why sunrise is so late, or why a girls’ night out should start at sunrise.
”Don’t tell me you forgot?” Tonya said dryly.
”No, never that.” Lela lied.
/b It’s not clear why Tonya should speak with impersonal sarcastic wit, and in any case you have not written witty words. See what I mean about adverbs being notes to oneself to do it better? It’s not clear why Lela should lie. Is she protecting Ty? Tonya surely is better aware of Ty’s character than Lela is.
You know your watch is set to BFT
/b Sorry. What’s BFT? I live in New Zealand, where we know GMT and double summer time.
Tonya was the most fun person you could be around once she had about three cups of Henny and coke in her system, so she knew she
/b The “she”s have too many referents. Use names.
/b I have to go but I think this is going to be good.
Kind regards
Ann
www.lulu.com/AnnEnglish
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LeAnn reviewed Version 4 -
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This is a great story. You can feel the love and passion she has for her man. The way she kept her cool and helped him just because of her love and faith. You done an excellent job of description. I really like this story. It leaves me wanting to read more about them and where this might go. Thank you.
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