Lyrics / Keep On

Dear Writer,

I don’t know if I really understood your criteria of “To be a performer.” Are you a performer? It’s really hard for anyone to know that since no one can “hear” you on Urbis.

I am a musician myself and have been for a long time. I do run into the occassional musician but more often the people here are not musically inclined, (which is why they are posting their lyrics, to possibly see if they can be someone’s Bernie Taupin perhaps.). At any rate, if you are a musician or performer I commend you for bringing your stuff forward in this forum.

Now if I wouldn’t have read your author’s notes I would have had no idea of what you were going for here. I’d have probably skipped it all together as another insipid, same as it ever was tale that cloggs the lyric section of this board. . .but

Now that I know what you’re trying to accomplish and I’m getting a sense you may be a musician or, at the very least, understand musical structure, I can definitely give positive constructive feedback.

The big problem with the lyric overall is that it conveys nothing resembling your intentions. So with that in mind, instead of this guy crying to himself in his soup you need to let us know why. You have to smack us upside the head with the fact that this is unrequited love, (possibly even unknown or unspoken love), and show us the actions you/he are going to take. The speaker takes no chances, he sits on the sidelines and talks about it, (probably why this chick isn’t already his girlfriend). You also don’t let us know of the potential complications involved, (you’ve been friends for a long time, what if telling her your feelings screws that up forever?), possibly add a dash of a potential love interest, (other than you), on her radar and you are showing some compelling reasons why if this guy doesn’t make his move and do it soon, he could lose the girl he loves to some douche.

The bridge gives us the most as far as clarity goes but the guy sounds like a pussy. He may be feeling that inside but DAMN!! Get some balls! Be ready to put it on the line no matter how much it might hurt.

I hope I haven’t been too harsh here, but I think you’ve got a potentially great song idea. Your narrator just needs to grow a pair and not only do we need to know it, but the girl he stands to lose needs to know it too.

Just my 2 nickels.

R

this is breathtaking! i wish all guys were like that. not just some bums on the streets waiting for one-night stands. x_x

the chorus is my favorite! do you have a recording of this amazing piece?

This song has some really good word usage in it.
MY favorite part:
‘I’m sick of this crying.
Should I keep on trying to love her more?
Tear upside down my whole life?
To show that it’s her that I’m fighting for.”
It is great that the emotions that you are trying to get across are vivid and sincere.
However, the rhythm and the cadence of this song is really jarring and disjointed.
There are parts of the song that make absolutely no sense.
For example:
‘No more friends,
But lovers and not the thought of it,
Cause it hurts to much.”
Not only does that part not make any sense, it really just doesn’t flow well as a song.
The rhyming is very inconsistant.  Some songs don’t rhyme everything, but the parts that they don’t rhyme still stay consistant with the flow and cadence of the song.
I really do like the first verse, it just needs some tweaking as far as how the flow of words lay in the song.
Keep trying to work on this song, if your goal is to get it on the air.
I hope this review was helpful to you.
Blessed be

Wow, you wrote this?  I really like the vibes it gives me. I also understand these lyrics.  I don’t know why, maybe it is because I’m always listening to music.  I guess that’s why I always choose this category to review =)  lol.

~*Renea

If only she’d pursue her dreams.

If only she’d pursue my dreams—seems like it would tie in with what you’re saying more.

I like the flow of the chorus.

the verses are a little bit too elegant thought.. i’d like a rough edge on them to show the passion

And if you don’t say “Yes.”,
Then I’ll always be forever crushed,
And broken.

take this out of the bridge.  I’m being a lyric nazi I know, but i think it would be better without it, because the first two lines in your bridge are really awesome, they’ve got kick, and then you just got the beggin’ in there, there’s enough of that, the bridge in a song is supposed to bring in a contrasting idea – which you nearly did brilliantly with your first two lines.

I’d be interested to hear how you sing this.

I like those lyrics. They fit well with the rhythm I imagined in my head, and the lines’ length is good and varied without sounding bad. You’ve kept to a good rough sequence with the line lengths. And adding in a bridge and the ending Chorus is good.
One minor thing, which is the second verse. You should try to keep the verses the same length. Otherwise, good lyrics. I can easily imagine them being sung to a song.

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January 28, 2007

by GLGreenLantern

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
14	66.7% (3 votes)	26.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
23	M	Marion, OH	March 16

Thanks for the review, but I like the format that the 1st verse is almost 2 times longer than the 2nd one. It’s an age old tradition.

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I like lyrics that go somewhere and this does just that. I don’t know what kind of music you’re into but it rings of “Robert Bradley and the Black water Surprise”. It’s contemporary blues. I like it and with very little trimming it could be one of his songs. That’s not to say it isn’t original. Love songs are a hard sell today in any genre (except maybe country) Good stuff, keep going…Neil…AKA…Neil

i liked the meaning. it really does bring out that emotion that the reader wants to feel from reading it. i can sort of put a pattern in my head that it could be sung to, but the only problem with reading lyrics rather than poems is that poems usually have a constant pattern while lyrics move with the singers tone and creative touch. i can see this easily making a good rock song (sorry if you dont want to perform under that genre). it was overall good, the chorus was great but the verses, in my opinion seemed to cover the point and bring out the emotions, but not as strongly as the chorus did. thanks though, i enjoyed reading this.

Without hearing the music, it’s tough to say if you’ll get your goal.  But if you’ve got the guts to put it out here, you’ll probably perform.  The music will make or break this song.  Will it be a soft ballad or are you going to give it an edge?  Personally, go with a little edge, but that’s a jaded old girl.  
I know what you’re saying and I think the words are great.  
The Bridge lost me a bit in the first three lines.  If you’re good lovers, you’ve got to still be friends; how you get that across is up to you.
Not the thought of it cause it hurts too much?  I don’t get it.
This is a universal pain and you hear it well.

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January 27, 2007

by GLGreenLantern

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
14	66.7% (3 votes)	26.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
23	M	Marion, OH	March 16

The song is about the people being such good friends that he wants to become lovers. You are thinking that they are already together and thats why the bridge is confusing to you.

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Wow, this is very powerful! i fet like i was right there with you through this stuff, and possibly it is because i have dealt with the exact same thing in my life. It is relly good because of that fact: people can relate to it.
As a songwriter myself, i have learned that it is these types of songs that people dub “my” song… because it means so much to them, and it is very specific about what it is talking about, yet general enough to apply to anyone who has faced this dilemna before.
Good job brother, keep up the good songwriting! i only wish i coud hear this to music, ‘cause i know that the music would make it so much more powerful!