Poetry / Scorched Earth.

This poem is cute; but I got a feeling of disconnect from the first couple of stanzas and the rest of the poem. You got into a real nice meter as you went along, but this meter isn’t really present in the beginning.

It is an interesting concept that by expressing oneself through words (ie, the pen) he can be doing as much damage as through physically violent means (ie, the sword). I think you should explore this a little more in a consistently structured way, and maybe find a few synonyms for common words like ‘blood,’ ‘bleed,’ ‘love,’ ‘dead,’ etc, though I know you probably want to keep your rhyme scheme.

Overall pretty good. Keep working on it, good luck!

I really liked this piece, especially the second stanza.  ”Suicide by pad and pen” is a really nice image.  I’m not usually one for rhyme, but you noted that it was to be read out loud, so I did.  I found that almost all the rhymes where well done and didn’t seem too forced.

One change I suggest it to the ending word of line 6,7,8.  All lines end in “of.”  Even if only line seven was changed it would help to break up the grouping.

I don’t think it is necessary to change, but it may prove interesting if you were to change trees.  You go from this very violent thought of killing men to making paper from trees.  What if it was something more demented like skin that was all that was left?

The repitition of of in the last part of the line kind of through me off but I really liked your poem other than that, especially the topic and your words.  The only other thing that really bothered me was the rhyming, it makes it kind of peppy when the topic, the words, the harshness of the meaning is not.  The work is yours and you hold the final say but I would atleast try and diminish the rhymes.  Overall really good though.

I like this! A unique and flavorful read. Thank you.

You break the flowing and fascinating rhyme scheme in third stanza.

THis line may have thrown it off.
    ”And this should satisfy my pen.”
The word satisfy has to many sylables to work. As a suggestion.
    ”Just to fill my thirsty pen”
Then bring the next line down to the following stanza.

Place a comma after ‘now’ in fifth stanza.

I don’t mean to rewrite the poem for you, just give you some ideas that may help in future writes like this.
For example, in fith stanza the whole melody starts to fall apart and really dosen’t need to.

The two ands throw it out. Here is a rewrite done a different way.

Now, man by man, tree by tree
I come to see, it’s only me
Scribbling away, furiously.

It is a free write so don’t worry about how many lines in a stanza.
Three here, four in the next, big deal.. It’s all good. Besides it is spoken word so format is not to important except to a reader, and there, only a little.

Dennis

the title drew me in at first and i can’t tell you how glad i am that it did…your writing is probably the best i’ve read in too long a time and i was starting to lose faith modern man’s capability of writing anything of substance..i’ve definately been enticed to read more of your writing..and am more encouraged to go on reading and reviewing knowing i might come across something quite as orgasmic to read as this..sorry it’s not really constructive or critical..but damn…great read…

Some truely great lines here, like “Im killing men now ten by ten / And this should satisfy my pen.” – that flowed so very nicely.

The section “Now man by man…” started great, but I think the last line does not fit the rhythm. How about “Draw line by line so furiously” to echo the rhythm of the first line.

I think the first section will need serious reworking, it’s cumbersome to read and understand.

Second paragraph has problems with the three “of” endings. The two first lines could be streamlined thus:

I’ve thought of all that I can think.
If written there’d be no more ink

Didn’t quite understand the connection between killing and writing, this may need better introduction. All in all, I liked this, has some smart ideas!

I find it hard to give constructive criticism on this. It’s not much so to my taste, but obviously well written. Towards this poem I feel perfectly unbiased. If it truely is perfect unbiasedness then I wouldn’t be able to make a statement about it. Huh. Sorry if this is unhelpful. Maybe it’ll help to say that I’v never been utterly unbiased about a poem. Kepp up the well worded poetry.

Well written. Spoken word was never a medium I could master but you make it look easy. Good job.

You have great rhythm and you’re analogies are tight and sweet, great work, very cleverly put.  However, the ending, in my humble opinion, is real weak compared to the rest of the poem, which seems too sad an ending for such otherwise tight work.

I give this piece a ten, off the imagery alone! I am afraid I became lost when you started killing people ten by ten, however what I did get was you passion for writing; your obsession with writing. I enjoyed the 5th stanza in particular:
“Now man by man and tree by tree
And soon i see-
It’s only me,
Scribbling furiously”
This stanza was cool because I like the way you twisted the plot. At first I thought you were just going to finish with you killing people and draining their blood, but this was pretty clever because it cought me off guard. The last stanza ties it together nicely as well:
“Pages written,
Never Read,
Everything is bleak and dead.
But all those words inside my head-
Are strewn across the earth instead.”
This is good because (to me) it makes the story seem almost in vain because you’re doing all this writing, and no one is there to read it. Nice poem.