Sci Fi & Fantasy / Dragon Eyes, Unicorn Tears: ch. 1
The marketplace began to fill rapidly due to the news of Drakku Onnious’s return to the planet Hilgron, and there was much to say about that. Mr. Onnious was the leader of the Intergalactic Flyers, a section of the winged tribe whos life was to be devoted to protecting and perhaps saving our galaxy. However, I knew him for the man that my father had dispised dearly, and warned me of him before he was exiled.
My mother’s death hung heavily on him, and he began to go crazy, started accusing Mr. Onnious of many things, some which at my age, I couldn’t even fathom. But as I got older, and my guardian taught me more about my father, I knew that something must be corrupt with Drakku Onnious. However, today would be the day where I learned about his “debonair” ways with people.
I was grazing past the a stand in the marketplace, looking at the bruised fruit when none other than Drakku Onnious walks by and grabs me by my shoulder, almost knocking off my hood, revealing my identity.
“Well hello there. I don’t think we’ve met, I am…”
“I know very well who you are, and believe me, I am not interested.”
“Well then obviously you really don’t know me.”
“Well then let me assure you that I know that you are a no brained, pompous man who believes that since he is part of the Intergalactic Flyers and that your team is from the winged tribe, you think that you are superior and can do whatever it is you please. Oh believe me Mr. Onnious, i am very familiar with your whole team.”
Stunned by my remarks towards him, he scoffed at me, chuckled a little, and strutted away as if he had made a fool of me. I couldn’t help but to laugh at this. Then out of nowhere I heard,”Lynna, where are you?” I rushed over to my guardian who was really my mother’s midwife, where she proudly pronouned that Drakku Onnious was in the capitol, which is the center of Hilgron also known as the marketplace, and that she just had to meet him.
Naturally I walked away, like I really cared about Drakku. But for now, I had to play along. Besides, I had to find a way to find out why he had my father exiled. What kind of secrets was he hiding?
Sternly, I grabbed onto my guardian Plissy’s hand, and instructed tat we leave, for we needed nothing from any of the Intergalactic Flyers. We were of the horned tribe, and we were much more sophisticated than they could ever be. Plissy just shook her head and we left the marketplace and started out jouney home to the Southern sector of our planet, a small area called Picho.
Picho is the smallest region on Hilgron. The northern section is too gaseous to live on but the rest is a haven for three different tribes. The eastern portion is mountainous and is the home of the wingeed tribe where Drakku and his Flyers are from. In the sounth is my home land as I said, and the rest of the planet is made up of water where the fish people live.
Hilgron is located right outside of teh Milky Way galaxy, about 357,000 miles away from the outer rings of Pluto. Not even a thousand miles away lies the planet Maluseeve. Maluseeve is where the scaled flyers live; it is also where the exiled land of killingrad is. It is in Killingrad that my father resides now, and probably until the day he dies.
It’s been about fourteen Earth years since I was born, and eleven since I’ve seen my father. My mother died during my birth as I believe I said earlier, so I was an orphan at the age of three.
My childhood wasn’t really a great one, though I can’t really complain becuase there are some that are less fortunate that I am. Growing up with a family friend was in a way nice because at least I was able to learn about my parents from someone who could and would tell me the truth. However my life was also one of I guess you can say survitude. I always had to run errands while my step-siblings could just lounge around the hut, doing whatever it was that they wanted. I was always cleaning too, actually I was doing ALL of the housework.
Not to put my guardian down because after all, she did take me in. But she wasn’t always the best person to be raised by. However one of the greatest things that she ever did for me was to tell me about Drakku, the Flyers, and my father (though she didn’t know the actualy truth about why he was exiled.)
The other great thing that she did for me was to let me go to Maluseeve to fight the disease that was infecting our planet. But I’l talk abotu that a little later.
As I said, we were heading back to our hut in Picho. Plissy, her twin daughters and even her son who was a little older than me, were dissapointed abotu not being able to meet the Intergalactic Flyers.
”Damn you Lynna”, Jerton said,”at least have some respect for the wishes of others. I’m two years your senior and I would’ve at least let mom, Nichi and Ollia meet Mr. Onnious. How can you be so inconciderate?”
”Well Jerton, since you are two years my senior, you should know that Mr. Onnious and I don’t have that great of a history. Besides he’s arrogant and…”
”Alright children that’s enough! Nichi and Ollia don’t need to hear you two arguing, they look up to you. Don’t you two want to be good role models?”
”Yes ma’am”, we both replied.
Nichi and Ollia were two red headed girls, Earth age seven, who really did look up to me and Jerton a lot more than I would have liked to. Jerton, who to had red hair, dispised me though, becuase I’m a half-breed. See I’m not one hundred percent of the horned tribe, my mother was, and my new family is, but my father was a full scaled flyer, from Maluseeve (which is kind of funny if you think about it becuase that’s where he was born and raised, and he left there to be with my mother and now that’s where he remains until his dying day. What luck!)
We were abotu a half-mile down the dirt roads that constitute for every way of transportantion besides flying on Hilgron, when Drakku and his gang strolled up behind us and immediately begins to introduce himself to my family, dispite that they are walking.
”Well hello there ma’am, I see that you and your children are leaving the town’s center, wouldn’t you rather not stay for the festivities?”
”Well we would’ve if Lynna here hadn’t opened her big mouth!”, replied Jerton. Of course my hood was down now, thinking that I was free from all of this. Drakku then loks at me and whispers under his breathe, “half-breed.”
“Your daughter’s a half-breed? How dare you bring her into my presence.”
”Actaully it was you who…”, I started to say when PLissy cut me off.
”No she’s not mine, I swear, her mother and father are dead and I’m her legal guardian, I would never bear a half-breed.”
I was dumbfounded. This is what my family really thought of me, that I was just some stupid half-breed! I was insulted.
”Thank you for my ever so wonderful introduction Plissy. But first off let me tell Mr. Onnious here why my father at least is so called “dead”. It’s all because of him! Drakku I know who you are and I know what you did! (I lied), you will pay for everything mark my words.”
”There is no way… you are the daughter of Tylia and Raber? Get this thing away from me at once!”
Plissy pushed me away, and instructed me to go home. I didn’t mind, I was planning on packing my things and leaving anyways. There was nothing left for me here. Besides, I had to find out the truth, and for that I had to go to Maluseeve.
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First, thanx for sharing, I am an avid reader and writer of fantasy. I will try to only point out the my problem I found in your work. So without further adue. Desciption and grammer, these were the two minor (and very easily corrected) problems. Though I hate to copy and paste I will do so with a small portion to better show you how I would revise it if I were to edit it. If need be I always do the first paragragh, it is easy to find and it seta a good rythym for my input. I hope this helps. This is how you wrote it.
The marketplace began to fill rapidly due to the news of Drakku Onnious’s return to the planet Hilgron, and there was much to say about that. Mr. Onnious was the leader of the Intergalactic Flyers, a section of the winged tribe whos life was to be devoted to protecting and perhaps saving our galaxy. However, I knew him for the man that my father had dispised dearly, and warned me of him before he was exiled.
I find to grab a reader you want to show them what it is you are describing as opposed to telling them. I know you have heard this before. Showing is the key, this is where description plays its role. Secondly, some spots where you need comma’s, you have none and others just the opposite. Now read this as though it were being read to you. Hear it, envision it.
Rapidly the marketplace began to fill, Drakku Onnious had at last returned to the planet Hilgron. Onnious was the leader of the Intergalactic Flyers, a section of the winged tribe whos lives were devoted to the protection of our galaxy. Many revered him as a hero however I knew him quite differently. I knew him for the man that my father had dispised for many reasons. Before my father had been exiled (a fate considered worse than death to my people) he had warned be to be wary of the hailed hero of Hilgron.
See how it draws you in? You already are wondering several questions, Why was his father exiled, why did he despise Drakku? How you have it writen it forces finality upon your characters situation, it doesn’t make ,and I repeat make, us wonder these things. You have to keep the reader wanting more. I hope this helps you. If I were you I would look into a line of books called “To write great fiction” they have been valuable tools to me in the past and cover most everything a writer need know to perfect his trade. Best wishes and good luck.
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