Poetry / Lost Wax

The idea of this piece is stunning and very clever but I am inclined to agree somewhat with your comments. Each of these cycles are immensely clever the first. My personal favorite is the third but that because it speaks to me with overwhelming emotion. I think what causes me to stumble with this piece is the lack of flow between each section. They almost stand alone as individual pieces rather than as a whole. I wish I could offer some clever solution to the problem but I find myself lacking.

Perhaps with the first section you could amend the format to reflect the other two. I have to say the layout made it quite hard to get started and I feel it throws the reader slightly.  So in conclusion…
1)        I would amend the format
2)        I would suggest finding some way to link one segment to another.
Overall I great start, I really look forward to the development of this, best of luck.

This poem is a very novel read for me. I actually love how it uses two vivid, detailed metaphors, and then shifts into the object of the metaphor itself – a lost lover. Your concept here was fantastic.

Personally, in the last line of the second stanza, I felt that “Empty.” was very slightly heavy-handed and was unnecessary given the previous description of the leaf’s imprint. But that’s just me.

Here’s a suggestion, although I don’t know particularly how it would be best executed: Although I really like the distinct metaphors and think that they should remain distinct, I believe that the poem could potentially benefit from some link between the three images. Perhaps, somehow, the main character could be loosely involved in a narrative that spans all three images. Of course, this would only be an incidental addition to them, as the images are what lends the power its primary power and meaning.

Excellent work, and keep writing!

Cheers.

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January 28, 2007

by Interval

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lends the *poem, rather.

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Wow.  I definately like the way you choose to tell this poem- 3 parts, the first being a paragraph, then a three stanza poem, ending with simple yet powerfully poetic lines.  The stages work well to reveal different levels of existance in the sidewalk, the leaf, and the emptiness itself.  Yet at the same time it shares a value for art, beauty, and the process of creation as well as what is left behind.  I think “It is then filled” in the first part would sound better as “Then, it is filled” in order to compliment the first sentence how you say “First,”, improving the flow.  I love the ending with the two lines, it’s a beautiful way to conclude.  Peace

i thought this was absolutely beautiful.  elegant and unpretentious prose.  the only line i didn’t like was line 6 of part two.  the “empty enters” part is really neat, innovative.  good job.