O, well that would be a completly differnt poem. I’d rather suggestions on improving what is there. Even though that would probably make a good poem, it’s not this one. There’s no rhyme scheme that I can see. Where do you see it? I’m sometimes blind to my own writing.
Poetry / Trans-Parent
A commercial on MTV
suggested that parents become
more involved with their teens
by attempting dialoged
at least once a week.
I noticed that my Jessica
had grown particularly thin
as of recently – I think,
along with this paling
that had occurred of her skin
as if she existed through
a thin transparent film.
I asked her what she’d eaten that day
to which she said something
to the effect of nothing:
“Um, I had some iced coffee
then Becka and I shared
two halves of a peanut; we’re so fat.”
Needless to say I was concerned.
MTV was right in it’s assumption
that I had become detached
from the life my daughter leads.
After all, I had no idea, who this “Becka” was.
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Brian reviewed Version 1 -
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This is interesting prose, but I would not lable it under poetry. Maybe you could work this into a short story instead.
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townxelliot reviewed Version 1 -
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Funny! I liked it. But I’m finding the grammar a bit of an obstacle, and some of the lines awkward, e.g. I’d make the start of the second stanza a bit clearer. The rest of that stanza is great, and I particularly liked the inclusion of “Um”, which really brought the dialogue to life.
Also, I think you could perhaps write “more involved with their teens/by dialogging/at least once a week”. You seem to be satirising this idea of enforced dialogue, and using this kind of psychiatric “noun becomes verb” could make this more pointed.
Smeezer reviewed Version 1 -
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I would love it if you would play more heavily into the irony of MTV attempting to advise parents on the children whose minds they corrupt.
Also, the rhyme scheme sees superflous. The thoughts and ideas behind this poem are excellent. just dont got mad trying to meet your own ideals
Wytchcat reviewed Version 1 -
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dialoge vs dialoged
New stanza at “I asked…”
Very abrupt piece, much like the culture that spawned it. Good ironic twist at the end.
joonthespoon reviewed Version 1 -
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dialoged = dialogue?
it’s hard to give constructive feedback when the poet is presenting a sensitive issue.
i do appreciate an innovative attempt at a unique speaking voice- that of a concerned, yet a bit disturbingly detached mother. i say “disturbingly detached”, not because she doesn’t talk to her daughter, but because the mother acknowledges the obvious, serious symptoms, yet downplays it, using words like “concerned”, and other un-urgent words. the speaker’s inability to intervene in her daughter’s life gives this piece its emotional impact and significance.
however, i think this piece could benefit from a bit more subtlety. i think readers in general resist symmetrical conlusions—makes it a bit cliche. and lessons in life are rarely learned so neatly. the way the speaker speaks also is a bit concerned. the middle stanza makes it seem like the speaker is speaking privately to a group of friends, which would work for the piece. but the other two stanzas don’t fit this bill. if it’s an internal dialogue, no one really prefaces their discussions with their soul.
so overall, i think the poem could use some finetuning of the narrative voice. if you could make it a little consistent—i think it could have greater impact on the reader.
Interval reviewed Version 1 -
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First I’ll nag you about the spelling and such. “Dialogue”, “as of late” or “recently” but not “as of recently”, “its assumption” but not “it’s assumption”, “I had no idea who” but not “I had no idea, who”.
Other than that, the setup, the concept, character development, the awesome twist ending, the humour, the coherence – this is truly fantastic writing. You really know how to put a story together to make it interesting, highly engaging, and thought-provoking. Excellent work.
Vile reviewed Version 1 -
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“by attempting dialoged” (dialogue)
Just a misspelled word.
That is no biggy, because the poem is wonderful. “Clueless” is the word that comes to mind. Example:
“had grown particularly thin
as of recently – I think,”
The ending was superb.
I hope you don’t mind that I don’t do the “tech” critique. The idea behide this poem is too good to touch.
January 21, 2007
Deleted User
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again, your endings are actually what keep me coming back to read your work. this shows how naive a parent (or parents) can be when their children’s lives are at stake. i liked the format of this; the middle stanza being the longest and therefore, the meat of the poem. good read.
Phill reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked this. A good read, poignant, and funny. Very well written. The only thing I have is ‘dialoged’ should be ‘dialog’ or perhaps ‘dialogue’. The rest is great. Thank you for sharing.
beccapikle reviewed Version 1 -
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I like your humor here, it’s very dark, cyical, but it works. Your use of irony underscores your message beautifully. I like your imagery in the lines “as if she existed through /a thin trasparent film.” The “we’re so fat” lie seems a little abrupt, like your hitting the reader over the head with the character’s problems, but I guess it would be hard to rework it any other way.
Bien escrito.
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