Poetry / About me, for you

I like this. It seems to convey that the writer is trying to put someone who is nervous about visiting this place at ease. That they need not be worried about seeing the place or meeting the people there.

This piece does that, though for me, I think that a little more description would paint a more vivid picture of what they might see.
“They’ll love you
I promise
Good food, good wine, good company
There will be fire
Just like my mountain
Your mountain first”

Those last two lines do not seem to fit as this is written. I am not certain where you intended to go with this, but somehow this part feels incomplete to me.

if that is for your partner, I feel your partner will appreciate what you are giving him in the words in the welcome, in the assurances that good company, the family’s love and the good food will be waiting for him to partake of.
and Swum isn’t a word per se, but in the context you use it in. It is perfectly the right word for that sentence.
If this is for your partner, he should love it and you. excellent work.

Nice. It expresses the linkages to the land you are born in well. It seems like the verses could flow it bit more smoother, but other than that I thought you did a fine job. I think your partner would be quite pleased with it.

Rarely do I find such poetry. This is beautiful in its direct simplicity, raw images, folksy anecdotal feel, and almost child-like genuine qualities. It reminds me of all of the best elements of the stories that I read when I was young, or that were read to me.

The character is endearing, the imagery is magical, and this poem has a real spirit to it.

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January 25, 2007

by OrangeRolls

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Thank you!

January 25, 2007

by Interval

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You’re very welcome. (I’m sorry that I couldn’t find anything in the poem to constructively criticize …)

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It would be swam i think. OH yea weird and where is this place.

Swum, is a word!  :)  Although, swam is more common.  When you start to go into the part about the river, you get very descriptive about it, and how it has had an effect on you, to me, it takes the poem in a different direction.  I think that if you want to be more descriptive there, maybe you could add some description about how each has affected you?  I do like it!  I can’t wait until we get to see the final results!  Good luck in all of your writings!  Heather

No..it is “swam” but we all goof.

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January 24, 2007

by OrangeRolls

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No, I just had it confirmed, it’s definitely “swum” – it’s the present perfect interogative!

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beautiful.  ”swum” (I think it is swam) was the only thing I had trouble with.  Word or not, it seemed to stop me and i didn’t want to stop there, for that reason. I am not sure i like the word, either way, the poem seems to need something more intimate, dipped??? Just my own thoughts there.

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January 24, 2007

by OrangeRolls

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thanks for the review. I’m pretty sure it is “swum”, but yeah, maybe another word would be better there – especially if you are having to stop. cheers.

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If you don’t mind, I actually liked the poem better before I knew the history behind it.  As if I was meeting a Moarian(?) without knowing their nationality and am having that unique, I guess, out of context experience.  Two cultures unfamiliar with each other trying to qualify and quantify the scope of their lives as they see them.  I, aslo, am full of crap, so I apologize if this came off as such.

I don’t think it would hurt the piece if you mentioned the quote is a sign.  You are being so wondefully literal all ready, there’s no pointing in with-holding.  I am a little bothered by the last two lines.  I feel stuck in between the two mountains, unsure which one I was on.  And would it be out of the way to mention a sandwich press on one of the mountains?  

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January 24, 2007

by OrangeRolls

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No don’t apologise – i usually don’t explain my work for that very reason. Yeah, i guess the last lines are a little confusing. I really meant that there is only one mountain and that is where the link between the narrator and the person it’s for is formed – maybe that’s how they met, maybe they both know the mountain and have talked about it. There is a sandwich press at the base of the mountain – didn’t you see it? hehe ;P Thanks for the review.

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I thought the slimy rocks in the river was a great visual. I remember being a kid and slipping quite a few times due to moss:) It seems very happy and uplifting. I like the simplicity in it.