Poetry / Two Parrallel Lines

Flow and rhythm needs a lot of work. Good use of metaphors though.

The poem, although conveying images with on follow through theme, is very disconnected; syntactically at least. You seem to be listing, and its interesting, but I do not think that it adds to the poem, since the list seems to tell a story. Perhaps you should add some more conversational language,  or at least some chrononological terms, like the word then, so that we know where we aare in the situation.
The last stanza has the heaven/hell dichotomy, but the religious metaphor here is incomplete: you only bring it up in the last line. the lines that say Everything is blocked by flooding sorrow and The fight for life promises demise both bring up points that are not Justified so it sounds as if you are just making an unjustified tirade against life. Although your points mat be valid, they are not justified.
But, You do have some interesting ideas, and I think if you took one of your main points and expressed it through an image of the knife or the lines, then the poem would be a lot stronger.

I feel like this is about suicide for some reason. I get from it the duality one must feel if suicidal, it isn’t an answer but the present is so painful..

This poem is very rough around the edges.  It’s hard not to know that this is written by a young person.

there is so much melodrama here, “jagged line of inching death…grim beast…blocked by flooding sorrow…promises demise…empty but full?...the wrong hand is lifted as a poor man’s choice…never to touch…

There are tons of ideas, feelings kind of swirling and churning, but nothing comes together to actually make a person feel anything other than confused.

It is important that whatever we write paints a picture and doesn’t overdramatize anything.  

There were no concrete ideas or thoughts portrayed here.  Let me show what I mean:

instead of:

One sharp jagged line of inching death

The knife I hold, glinting, glinting in the desert sun,
One sharp jagged line of inching death
Each stab lets out a grim beat
on the taut skin of my drum…

something to paint a picture instead of a confusing rant.

If you want to write more poetry, I suggest you start brainstorming and trying to mingle tangible and intangible.

Good Luck!

I feel that this could all be said much better as facing death by your own hand. At your age you should not even be thinking about anything but getting educated. These 2 lines could be left out: The fight for life promises demise—-that seems contrary to life
In one hand lies a knife and the other is empty but full—empty but full of what , hope? come back another day and meditate on it all to make it flow better.

I certainly don’t think this “sucks.” I think you actually, show much promise on this one. Some of the “the’s” and “and’s” could be omitted, to add to the flow of this piece. However, all in all, quite a good effort.

This poem is sort of confusing. Lines 1,2,3 don’t quite relate. You start off with a jagged line of death then you jump to stabbing. Sharp jagged line could mean anything. What does closer the tips enclose mean? The the tip of knife meets the skin? Tips can’t enclose anything. It’s just one tip of one knife. Then you get to the head trip, flooding sorrow, fight for life. a knife in one hand nothing in the other.. which is the wrong hand? Where do you get two parallel lines? The first one was jagged. The sense of depression is quite obvious, but not sure if this is about suicide, cutting, or a deranged mind fantasizing. If you are serious, I would give this a second go through to clarify what you are trying to say.

Well, I wouldn’t say you “can’t write poetry” as even though this has several problems it does show poetic flair.  I rather like the central image of parallel lines actually.  It is fertile ground.

The kinds of problems you need to fix?  E.G. “sharp jagged line” doesn’t work with the image of parallel lines.  ’jagged’ evokes something with teeth or a serrated edge of some sort.  I realize that it’s the knife, but your central image is of something straight.

There are a lot of questionable word choices like that, and there is too much abstraction where concrete imagery would achieve much more.  But actually I think this is something you could revise.  The seed is there.  Give it what it needs to grow!

I usually try to read the poetry I review without reading the “notes” if the author has included them.  I do this because it is really hard for me to remain interested in writing that I have already been told will suck.  So my very first comment to you is if you include notes with your writing maybe it would be helpful if you did not use those notes to critique yourself.  I think that it is fair to say that most writer are very unhappy with their work at one time or another.  For myself that is why i put my work on Urbis, so that I can find out if my writing is as bad or (hopefully) good as I believe it to be.  My second comment to you is that it is obvious that you are not very comfortable writing poems.  That is certainly nothing to make excuses for.  If you find you like writing poetry I’m sure your will develop your style as you learn more about it and if you don’t like writing poetry then you’ll move on.  However, I do think this piece would be MUCH  easier to read if you structured it as a poem.  But these are just my thoughts.  Good luck.  

A couple of your phrases like “inching death” and “each stab lets out a grim beat” have merit.  If you had bothered to check your spelling and had your title spelled correctly, it would have gotten you another point or two.  If you are determined that your work sucks, it is bound to.  How about presently it and yourself in a positive light?