Don’t get the point?
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Flight of Fancy
Cadarence slipped the controls into manual and plunged the craft towards the boiling mass below.
The great red, orange and yellow bands grew larger, closer, and as they did, they lost their forms. Colours became inter-mingled, overlapping, merging; new patterns were evident and then, in a fleeting instant gone, moving on, as both his sense of scale changed, and the great forces that dominated them pulled them into new contortions.
Vast winds shaped this planet, the currents of which where the match of all of Earth’s oceans, swallowed up like the eddies of a spoon in a cup of coffee. These great gales, ever circling around the sleeping giant, pushed and pulled the gases trapped within them, causing ripples along their never static borders to appear, then disappear, torn to shreds where they met and seemingly argued about continent-sized points.
The planet was rushing closer now, growing ever more massive in his view, soon blotting out everything else, leaving only this swirling sea of boiling helium, hydrogen, and many more exotic gases. As he drew in, he was fascinated by the myriad of infinitely changing details. So much so that he lost track of the distance.
A handful of warning lights began to flash on the display. Blinking, gently at first, simply reminding him of the presence of extraordinary danger. As he, in his tiny module grew closer, dwarfed utterly by the vastness of the planet below, the flashing of the lights became more insistent. Their numbers increased, and they were joined by buzzers and alarms. A voice began to chant warnings at him, as if the very craft itself was scared of the immense beast that was about to swallow them whole.
Pull up, it was saying. Warning, it chanted. Danger, high pressure it told him.
Cadarence, dragging himself from the colossal beauty before him, pulled back on the controls and their descent became a much gentler one. He felt the drag of momentum and experienced, for a moment, an uncomfortable g force pulling him heavily into his seat. But the craft’s artificial gravity fields quickly compensated and everything returned to normal.
The voice fell silent; the blinking of lights and the distracting buzzings steadily became less urgent, however it was already too late to avoid plunging into the thick, gaseous interior of the planet. They swept in, like a tiny gnat falling into the pacific.
How many people have seen this, he thought to himself. How many have gazed into the heart of the planet itself, not just looked down on it from above? Very few was the answer.
The planet’s current occupants were notoriously unwelcoming to the casual visitor, and he didn’t doubt that interceptors were already scrambling to meet this potential threat. Perhaps, he considered, if the craft had been bigger and his intent more obviously hostile, they would have already shot him from the sky. He’d have gotten quite the view of the planets interior then, he was sure.
Even here, still close to the edge, everything had become much darker now, as the light from the sun – already weakened by the great distance – struggled to make its way into the planet’s sludgy interior. It became diffuse; a mere glow that, whilst all-pervasive, was much weaker, stained a deep orange and red by the enormous volumes that surrounded him.
There was a thunk to his left as one of the craft’s thin skin panels deformed under the enormous weight of gas. More worryingly, there was a cracking, scricthing noise, small at first, but then steadily louder that seemed to be coming from the edge of cockpit canopy. The pressure was much higher than Earth standard atmosphere and various scrolling displays were complaining about the situation. Cadarence, enraptured by what he was seeing didn’t really care about any of this.
A screen to his right flicked into life, showing the blips of three approaching craft on the radar. Next to the display a rather ominous light started to glow blue. Cadarence knew that that particular light meant the approaching craft had already painted him with a weapons lock. The manners, he thought. Not even a verbal warning. But he knew when he was beaten – time to get out of here.
He pulled up sharply, escaping the planet’s gravity in a great rush. Lights began to flash again, but different ones this time; these indicating the strain he was putting on the craft’s small frame and its engines. He pushed them harder for the hell of it, and then suddenly he burst from the cloud tops overhead and rushed back out into space, great contrails of unusual chemicals billowing off of the craft, boiling from its wings and clearly marking his point of exit for all to see.
Cadarence inhaled hugely, closed his eyes, smiled and then let the air escape again in a great, relaxing whoosh.
How long had he been up here? There weren’t many humans that had passed the exams, fewer still that were qualified to work on the solar system transports, and he guessed the number of pilots could probably be counted on the fingers of one hand.
How lucky he was, to see the things he did.
“-derence!” He didn’t know how long Captain Chiltan had been calling him. Part of him didn’t care.
“Cadarence!” the insistent voice came again.
He flicked the comms out of passive.
“Yes?” he replied as if diving into the depths of a massive gas giant was an everyday occurrence.
“What the hell are you doing?”
“Oh, just going for a dip.”
“A dip? Christ, man, that pods not rated to withstand atmospheric pressure, let alone what you’ve just put it through. Not to mention the stink the natives are kicking up. You want me to patch them through to you? Don’t think I won’t.”
“Sorry,” Cadarence replied, grinning.
“Sorry?” the Captain yelled. The image of the normally blue Actellian turning a vivid shade of red that gave a spectacular outward representation of the rage within caused Cadarence’s grin to broaden further. “Sorry is for people who regret what they’ve done!” he continued. “Now get your disgusting human hide up here, we’re heading for Io.”
“Aye-aye, Captain,” he said, and turned for home.
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Irvingk57 reviewed Version 1 -
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A really well written and exciting chapter of a space adventure :) The author has a good feel for pacing and a knowledge of the forces at play on gas giant planets and in space, as well as of the havoc they cause on a small aircraft. It all sounded realistic. A job very well done, and I would like to read more. There were no glaring typos or spelling mistakes, only a few minor punctuation errors, and clumsy transitions that are easily fixed. Good work.
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PrincesswriterC reviewed Version 1 -
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I love your discription of the anomoly in the second paragraph that was followed by a beautiful discreption of an earthlike planet. Excellently written visual.
I really enjoy your writing style. You have great humor to your scenes and your light hearted character Candarence is charming. Your bosses seem to have the same personalities but I like them too!
Great piece!
Smile,
Prncess
Jay1989 reviewed Version 1 -
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A interesting story. You began it fairly descriptively with describing the planet’s atmosphere and I thought that was a particularly good start. One thing I did notice was this line:
“Cadarence knew that… a weapons lock”
You’re telling the reader about the weapon’s lock instead of showing them it. I would just remove this sentence and let the reader figure it out for themselves.
Apart from this I couldn’t see much wrong with it, although obviously you need to go through it and check the spelling and grammer.
NukeDukem reviewed Version 1 -
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“spoon in a cup of coffee.” this comparison kinda breaks the effect.
“never static borders”
How about
“ever shifting boarders”
“fascinated by the myriad”
How about
“Mesmerized by the myriad”
Overall it’s an interesting visual story, you seem to know your stuff. keep up the good work. One thing you should probabliy work on is what to compare things to. Try comparing dangerous things to dangerous things.
davet reviewed Version 1 -
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Sorry – but I don’t actually get the point of the story. It sounds like a human is piloting a spaceship, going into a gas giant’s atmosphere. The natives are cross, he pulls up, and reports to he boss – who happens to be an alien.
In terms of structure, loads of purple prose. Lots of descriptio of the planet Maybe too much.
You also present it passivly not actively.
as an example of what I mean:
The great red, orange and yellow bands grew swiftly; losing form as he approached ever closer. Colours mingled, shapes shifted, twisting and changing as his sense of scale adjusted and re-adjusted so swiftly it made his eyes ache.
But whatever the style – if the point is lost then there is no story.
Valdieron reviewed Version 1 -
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Well written. Structure was good, it had me constantly reading not skipping ahead which I tend to do. Descriptions were good for the most part, some were a little confusing as I will show below. Dialogue is good at the end. Good work!
where they met and seemingly argued about continent-sized points.
This sentence seemed just a little confusing. By continent-sized points, do you mean physical land below? Perhaps say something like,
where they met and seemingly argued over continent-sized locations.
As he drew in, he was fascinated by the myriad of infinitely changing details. So much so that he lost track of the distance.
By saying ‘As he drew in’ do you mean as he drew closer, or as he slowed? Just a little confusing there. Also, ‘So much so that he lost track of the distance.’ Feels like it could be re-worded and combined with the preceding sentence.
He drew closer. The myriad of infinitely shifting details fascinated him, like a child in a candy shop, not knowing which treat to look at first.
Warning lights began to flash….
simply reminding him of the presence of extraordinary danger
seems very much a contradiction to have a simple warning for an ‘extraordinary’ danger.
A voice began to chant warnings at him,
Show rather than tell. No need to have ‘it was saying / it chanted / it told him’ after each warning.
“Pull up. Pull up. Pull up,” screeched the computerised warning voice. “Danger, high pressure.”
Cadarence, dragging himself from the colossal beauty
Is it so fascinating that it dulls his senses or makes him lethargic? Instead of dragging himself away, perhaps have him rip his gaze from it? This gives a bit more ‘emotion’, suggesting the sight had more of a magical affect on him, but then his ‘soldiers / fighters’ instinct and training kicks back in?
pulling him heavily into his seat
I have always imagined g forces to press someone into their seat, rather than pull? Just a thought :)
Very few was the answer.
No need to say this. By his awed question, we can assume that the answer is ‘very few’.
higher than Earth standard
higher than Earth’s standard
magusofchaos reviewed Version 1 -
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Cadarence is an interesting character already. I’m unsure whether he is a bit arrogant or if he has a deathwish. His reaction to the danger he’s putting himself in seems understated. Two statements that seem to define the character are “he’d have gotten quite the view of the planets interior then, he was sure.” and “He pushed them harder for the hell of it”.
I enjoyed the slight personification of the ship’s warning systems. They gave a sense of the danger his stunt put him in without breaking up the light, careless tone of the narrative.
My only quibble is the third paragraph. The last line is unclear. Are the “continent sized points” points in space, or points in an argument? Points in space tend to be infinitely small, but points in an argument generally don’t have size. It’s a good bit of description, but could be worded more clearly and concisely.
I look forward to reading more of this soon. I’d like to see what kind of trouble Cadarence gets himself into next.
darkdescent reviewed Version 1 -
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Some very nice descriptions here, especially of the planet and the spacecraft. The ending seems a bit of a letdown after the increasingly dramatic buildup of the craft’s approach. Overall, I’d say you have some very good language skills that I’d like to see in service of a stronger plot.
annana reviewed Version 1 -
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You’ve ceated a nice sense of both the planet, and of Cadarance as a wild-boy. While you caught my interest, that interest is mainly about what his story is. What is he doing diving into a gas giant?
So far, you’ve engaged my senses to a degree with the shifting clouds, and the scale of the planet, and the abandon of Cadarance, his desire to really see the planet, and the grin near the end of this, gives me a little insight into at least who he might be.
You’re writing is nice, terse, and things move right along. You could probably fine tune language like “Cadarance inhaled hugely”. You could probably find better words in this and a few other spots, but nothing really jars the flow of the read.
I suppose the biggest caution is that you have, to an extent, invoked a “type” we know, the reckless, good-humoured loner, set on the exceptional experience and willing to defy authority regardless of the cost. That’s fine, it gives us an intro into his character, some ability to fill in the blanks, not of his story, but something of his emotional makeup.
What I urge is that you resist going into sterotype. I think that is a risk, since you already have a commander who is a blue alien that turns red when he’s angry, a typical choleric, dressed in a funny skin. So far, nothing alien about his mind at all.
The start is really quite good. It will be up to you to make something deeper, something we can learn from, of these beings, and to use the existence of real difference to remind us that our perceptions are not of all there is, of of all perspectives on what is.
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