the commentary is character development. and just because you don’t get the point doesn’t mean it doesn’t have one.
Short Story / I understand
“I understand now.” I said as i wrapped my lips around the bong and sucked the life out of it.
“you understand what?” Tim asked as i haphazardly handed him the bond and lighter. He took it and i leaned back and finally let the smoke come twisting out of my mouth.
“I don’t know what were we talking about?” I said not caring.
“Nothing.” The word came out sailing on the waves of smoke from his mouth. ”I don’t remember.”
“What are you doing tomorow?” he asked me whil looking out the passenger window of my car, focused on some invisible point in the horizon.
“I don’t know.”
“Don’t you have school tomorow?”
“What?”
“Don’t you have school tomorow?”
“Probably, why?”
“Are you going to go?” he asks, but i can’t really hear him. my mind is polluted and for a moment i forget where i am and where i’m driving to. I squint through the window at follow the red tailights in front of me. I turn the windshieldwipers on for some reason. Suddenly the car turns on it’s blinker and i can’t follow anymore so i ask where I am going.
“To school, are you going to school?” he repeats annoyed.
“Why the fuck are we going to school?” I ask, “it’s like midnight.”
“What? Just shut up and drive moron.” So i do and turn on the radio and the sound feels good on my body. Suddenly i get worried because i realize i only have 2 Norcos and 2 valiums left which will only last me another half a day.
“Dude, I need some weed.”
“Dude, we’re going over to Bills house to get some right now, just chill.” His words cradle me and I feel so comfortable that i think we’re driving on glass. I look at the spedometer and the bright orange arrow indicates we’re doing 90, and i’ve never felt so good.
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swanpatronus reviewed Version 1 -
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You definitely have some good phrases in this, such as “His words cradle me” and “The word came out sailing (although I would switch ‘out’ and ‘sailing’) out on the waves of smoke from his mouth.” But there’s tons of grammar and spelling errors, such as the lack of capitalization at some points and “spedometer” instead of “speedometer.” I suggest copying and pasting it into a program such as Word and then running Spellcheck. I also think it could be longer. It sounds like this is the start of something more. Keep writing.
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easywriter57 reviewed Version 1 -
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line 6: while
line 11: him. My
line 12: and follow
line 16: “It’s
line 21: Bill’s
last line:I’ve
capitalize the “i” and write the number out (ninty)
Stoned to the bone, is he? And they say it is safe to drive on pot! This is really hitting the mark on what it is like to smoke pot and drive, short term memory lapses and physical side effects all in one little story. Great job!
bigdaddywrites reviewed Version 1 -
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are you high? (just messing)
livwicca reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a short piece. No real character development, just a couple of druggies—seemingly content to be just that. I have a hard time giving criticism because the story never really got off the ground. Grammatically, it’s okay. It’s formatted mostly correctly except for the lack of indentation. It just leaves me with one question: what’s the point?
57htz reviewed Version 1 -
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I found this piece pretty humorous for its dialogue. A few minor formatting tweaks and this piece could really shine. Also, a better sense of setting would really help the work out.
alfabet reviewed Version 1 -
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I am going to disregard the fact that you made some spelling and language errors, because the content of your piece is so good. It qualifies as a “show” piece, as opposed to a “tell” piece, which is great. I hate it when writers assume their readers are dimwits who need everything spelt out for them. What I really like is how you pass commentry on smoking weed without actually once making a statement about it. In this short piece you explain both why people do it, how it affects you and why you shouldn’t do it. Great work, very densely constructed.
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