Short Story / Abandoned Love

“Oh, it won’t be long now, no, not long at all.”- Break this up into two sentences.

“You’ll cross that threshold and go over the edge as never before.  And I will find my release and reach new heights of ecstasy.”- Add a comma and make this one sentence.

“As my hands close around your throat, your lovely blue eyes widen even further, and I can see right into your soul.”- Break this into two sentences.  Two seperate ideas means two seperate sentences.

“I guess it’s all over between us now, isn’t it, my love?”- Strike the second comma.

Also, I hope the body is hidden well ;)  

Good style! It was an intriguing read. Emotions were very well played and I liked the way I was mislead to thinking it was “for adults only”

Aside from reminding me of the A Perfect Circle song, ‘Blue’, I have to say I didn’t like this much at all.  Perhaps it was too short, but I think it was more the sort of failed attempt to make it seem as though your characters were having sex.  I think this could have been better done in third person.  I’m sure this was meant to be an internal monologue, and that this was meant to be twisted and make the reader jump at the end.  It didn’t work.  

Maybe try to… lengthen the piece, add a little more of the narrator, rather than having the story focus solely on the victim.  The first sentence definitely needs improvement.  Right now, it reads as something out of Mills and Boone, and I think you need more tenderness to have us believe there is a relationship.  This is too brute and physical to be perceived as romantic.  

Writing style, excellent.  Subject, not so. :)
Congratulations on a quick and compelling read. As soon as I saw the words ‘hands close around your throat’, I guessed the ending wouldn’t be great.  Maybe if you paraphrased that line, you’d keep the reader guessing a little bit more.  I loved your short and sharp sentences and your question marks and stops.  Again, well done; I hope you weren’t writing from experience. :)  

this is short, even for flash fiction. there is a lot of cliche in this piece. the suject is creepy, but I don’t get any real feel for a murderer. The comparison of murder to orgasm is something I come across a lot – to make this piece really pop (without lengthing, which you don’t seem interested in) I would suggest a more obscure comparison.

I’m not so sure about this. It seems unredeemed, in the sense that it goes to no trouble to justify itself. It may be that the story of a killer has merit in that it explains motivation, or it may be a detective story – I’m not saying it needs to carry a message, but it does need to carry substance. To focus in this way on the man’s satisfaction at a single incident seems shallow water and there’s almost an implication for the reader (which I’m sure isn’t intended) that the character should be sympathised with. I’m not really having any ideas about how to fix that, other than to open the story up in both theme and length. Decide what you want to say here, what you want the reader to take away. The writing is fine, truly, but the subject is odd.

Hokey-smokes, that’s some creepy imagery! Actually, I mean that in a possitive way. Your first paragraph left me thinking I’m about to read a very well written bit of errotica. The voyeur in me said “oh yeah!”

The next line turns the whole thing from sexy to horrifying, and it’s gets worse from that point on (meaning your imagery gets better/creepier).

Excellent job. You caught a strong mood in very few words.