Yes, my poetry bears an elusive signature. This is about a woman who is breaking out of a period of mourning. She abandons her grief in a fit of dance. The lines reflect her inner spirits wanting to free herself from the past…even for false dreams- in hope. This is always my quandary…how much do I need to elucidate for public consumption? Is the trade off of art for clarity needed and where, how much? Its a line i walk with thought and care. I do so thank you for visiting; pls do leave any comments that may come to you in the after. *S
Poetry / The Trade
The Trade by Sarai
She shrugs woven cotton comforts off, dampened by its unwelcome tales.
Uncovers lavendar bound by lace, loosing its scent onto bare skin.
She donns flirtation, dancing yesterday’s merry,
A new madness to cut old airs thick with grief.
Oh! Let this movement sing this heavy fever low,
she bears down and lifts her weighted heart.
Twisting hips just so and so to Van’s “Queen of the Slipstream”
the sultry twang to tempo in slack key.
Oh! To forget the coveted dailies of yesteryears,
slow time and knowing; put them down into deep sleep.
Yes, she’ll trade deep for great; and full for wanting,
bluff a make shift dream for truth.
A wild spin turns her altered gaze,
for this unlikely stranger to meet.
A careless touching of nakeds’ folly,
in pressured strokes; it’s pulsing greed not yet spoilt.
Nota bene, while Govi’s beat turns her ‘round; changeling she sambas, off
her feet she goes…tonight she buries safe’s keeping.
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fitterthanudad reviewed Version 7 -
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Deara Sarai,
I am deeply touched by the dedication. Thank you very much!
I think there isn’t anyone who has not made the “trade”! Few are the lives that can be lived without having to make exchanges, trade offs. For example, I may have to earn less at the office, but see how much more I’ll gain by having more time at home.
The trade can also be made on a much deeper, internal level that deals with emotional challenges to our life’s stability and avoidance of pain and conflict. I think your subject is using an entire process, only a part of which is the dance itself, as a means toward recovery. In other words, the whole of the process is a “dance” and within which she dances (in the mundane sense) to Van Morrison’s music.
From what is she recovering? Well,that remains an open question. In all likelihood, it is a lost love or an unrequited one from which she may be trying to distance herself because she was hurt or someone hurt her.
And she is willing to do what she has to do to accomplish this. She’ll make the trade off, but only on the condition she receives something in exchange that will act as a balm to heal her wounds.
The mood of the piece Sarai is sultry. This is a woman in whom there is the blending of instinct and intellect. Woe unto any man who mistakes her prissy preparation ritual for the sum of this woman’s content. She runs silent and deep, to paraphrase an old movie title.
Sarai, a quick note about some of your words. They’re obscure, but I’m not suggesting you change them, but you
might or could footnote definitions.
Oh, remove the apostrophe from “it’s” unless you mean to use it as a contraction of “it is”. Otherwise “its” is a third person possessive pronoun without the apostrophe.
Sincerely,
Alan
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blkjagdrvr reviewed Version 7 -
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The elegance and complexities of your work challenges my interpretation skills. Is this a woman dancing in public, I asked, or is she in a room alone; it could be either. – And maybe in a way it is both. If I am right, I would suggest further illuminating the concept of the woman dancing publicly, but on the inside, using her dancing as a substitute for the want of lost love/passion. – Is that the trade you write of? You have done well with the tempo of the piece as it matches a dancing rhythm. I would suggest however, a bit more clarity to help the reader understand.
Burning_Lashes reviewed Version 6 -
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This is a very well developed piece of writing and you have used all your talent of discription to paint a forceful yet evokative image. There is an element of rew sexuality in this and I find it interweaves with repressive former selves to give both the impression of freedom and a degree of holding oneself back.
The general format of this poem is very well structured. I often find that pieces with such flow and character can loose their way but you have pulled out the emotion with out it running away from the reader so they become lost. Wonderful write, thourougly enojoyed.
stevec reviewed Version 6 -
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I don’t feel that I possess the correct qualities for reviewing this, but I found it confusing but intriguing and I think needs reading aloud to benefit fully the subtle meanings.
Durian reviewed Version 6 -
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I found your poem challenging but also rewarding to the ear. The semantics of this require more than reading it once or even twice. Though, the soft eroticism is readily apparent, as is the jilted yet confident characterization of this fine lady passing through a Joe Beam ambience in the “slack key” rhythm of the author’s imagination.
ChrisMadoch reviewed Version 6 -
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In this deft piece which is often a delight I found difficulty with this- which is a shame so early in the poem.
‘Its scent loosing onto her skin,
She dons flirtation, dancing tomorrow’s merry,
A new madness to cut old airs thick with grief.’
Can I delicately suggest:-
Begin a new sentence after ‘lace;’ eg
(lace.) The scent loosing on her skin,
She dons flirtation, dancing
her tomorrow’s mirth,
A new madness to cut old airs
thick with grief.
This, for me, gets you out of the trap of the form vying unkindly with the sense.
There are other tiny tweaks- surely it must be- a changeling.
The atmosphere is captivating, a gift. So extremely well done. Regards CM. PS the 7 is because there are things that trip the reader up- I think without intention.
dancestandingstill reviewed Version 6 -
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perhaps “tussy peony” instead of “tussied peonies” this seems to flow better plus your reference to “Its sent” implies peony rather than peonies
“forget the coveted dailies of yesteryears” there seems to be a message in this quote that I’m not getting and have a bit ‘o trouble resolving it with the context. This seems to be in the realm of “unwelcome tales”, “old airs thick with grief”, “bluff a makeshift dream for truth” and “buries safety’s deceit”
all these meanings have no immediate tangible aspect except perhaps “dailies” if implying newspaper so I’d like something to connect to that’s really ordinary, simple and solid.
I’m a huge fan of “unmetered in pressure strokes of greed” and “offering an untamed stranger its meet”!! very nice phasing.
easywriter57 reviewed Version 6 -
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Dancing does lift the heart and push everything else aside. I love the way you made the words musical and flow like the dance and the one watching the dance.
mina1234 reviewed Version 6 -
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The story of someone ready to shake the cobwebs of sorrow off for a good time. I hope I’ve got that right, but that is what this poem says to me. The great usage of imagery such as “A new madness to cut old airs thick with grief” belie the urge to move into a new frame of mind no matter what the cost. Van Morrison and Govi are the soundtrack to her courting and engaging in seduction’s finale, a nice touch, I think. I like poems that are dense enough with images to intruige rather than confuse on the first read through. I kept coming back to this poem, understanding more and getting pulled into the character’s pschology more and more with each new read. If a poem leaves nothing of itself in the readers mind it will be forgotten as quickly as what you had for breakfast. A memorable poem.
malfaedor reviewed Version 6 -
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It’s shaping up to be an elegant piece, to be sure. I rather like the phrase “A careless touching of nakeds blushing,” though I am not as fond of the folly that follows.
Have you considered flipping the opening line so that “dampened by unwelcomed tales” begins the verse? It would seem a better lead into the next line.
In any case, I would rethink the punctuation, changing the period after “tales” to a comma, as the next line is a phrase and does not do well attempting to stand alone before a semicolon. Indeed, I would suggest revisiting all the semicolons and replacing them with commas.
I would suggest you reconsider placement of the ellipsis as well.
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