Poetry / ..Ound and round and round and r....

giggle  

What a ride!  I love how the theme of your pantoum fits the so well with the structure of the pantoum.  So creative and – yeah, funny!

Well, you get big points for introducing such a delightful poetic form to me. I’ve been familiar with the villanelle for a long time but never seen the pantoum. After reading about the form on Wikipedia, I feel like I can comment a bit, but have to admit it’s quite novel to me. I liked the subject matter and your use of humor in this piece (...déjà vu déjà vu déjà vu…) It reminds me of something Shel Silverstein would have written, but I don’t know that he ever used this form. Very original and very entertaining. Good rhyme and meter, and as far as I can tell you held to the norms for a pantoum quite well. I give you a 9, the highest I’ve ever rated anyone on Urbis. Well done!

This poem reminds me of “Sure Things” by David Ives—a Groundhog Day-esque one act play that keeps repeating on itself when someone makes a mistake in ettiquite.  I liked it, and I can certainly appreciate what you’ve done with the form.

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January 23, 2007

by arthurchappell

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Thanks – terrific review. Much appreciated. AC

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You may have doomed yourself (or else thrown down a serious frickin’ gauntlet on yourself) by opting to agree with those few who say a pantoum should rhyme, and rhyme abab to boot. It’s generally agreed (as here) that a pantoum does not have to rhyme.

That said, you chose a really witty subject/setting, and I found it enjoyable to read.

I’d suggest going ahead and putting empty lines between each 4-line stanza, for readability’s sake.

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January 22, 2007

by arthurchappell

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Cheers Daniel – i think it can vary as to what the rules are or not – you should see the variety of definitions of Haiku – Glad you enjoyed the poem – thanks for your thoughtful feedback – appreciated AC www.arthurchappell.clara.net/

January 22, 2007

by danielklotz

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Cheers, mate. Oh, I know, those definitions can kill you.

Sometimes an overly strict definition can make a poem, and sometimes it can ruin it. I think in this case the results are somewhere just better than in the middle. Which is good for an exercise.

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a very valiant attempt at a pantoum, a favorite form of mine.
some things i think you need to change:

i think you should only repeat deja vu once.  the third deja vu comes out unnaturally, and having it written twice makes it more connected to actual deja vu.  It also will help your poems flow.

snap crackle pop is so connected to rice krispies that it takes away from your poem. it makes it sound childish.

I know you want it to somewhat rhyme, but the “I really need the loo” phrase totally sticks out.  It comes out of nowhere, and it detracts from your poem.

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January 22, 2007

by arthurchappell

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Thanks,  - good points -  though taking some deja vus out would ruin the pantoum structure – cheers AC www.arthurchappell.clara.net/  

January 22, 2007

by brokenhand

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actually a pantoum’s lines can be of any length.  
I would also suggest maybe putting breaks between the quatrains to create stanzas.  

January 22, 2007

by VioletL

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definitely< I need to research these—what  fun to anticipate!

January 22, 2007

by arthurchappell

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Thanks VioletL.

July 13, 2007

by Tiddleyboom

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I like the “I really need the loo” line.  It made me feel like I was stuck in a time machine waiting for the *&^# thing to set down somewhere!  

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I’m not familiar with the Pantoum form, but it works in this poem. I like the subject matter and you make it work well.

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January 22, 2007

by arthurchappell

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Thanks for the kind comments – much appreciated AC www.arthurchappell.clara.net/

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This was really good, but isn’t a loo a potty?

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January 22, 2007

by arthurchappell

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thanks for reviewing – loo is a slang shorthand expression for lavatory, or toilet – it could be a potty of course but you’d soon fill it in a small time ship stuck in time forever – ac www.arthurchappell.clara.net/

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Very imaginative. Put a little space after punctuation.

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January 20, 2007

by arthurchappell

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Short and to the point, but thanks – handy observation.

January 22, 2007

by danielklotz

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One space after a final mark of punctuation (period, question mark, exclamation mark) is what is proper and expected. The spacing is fine. :-)

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Delightful!  I’ll have to study up on this form and try one, but it would be hard to top this.  

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January 20, 2007

by arthurchappell

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You might find it easier than you imagine – I have seen some very good ones. Thanks gor your feedback – much appreciated

January 20, 2007

by VioletL

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I will look forward to it.  HOwever, right now I’m working really hard to get a novel done—I’m working toward my own deadline, pretending someone wants it :)

January 21, 2007

by arthurchappell

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Hopefully someone will – - you can always try  some of  out in here for feedback. Best wishes, AC

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