Poetry / No!

with the slurring of names and the mention of limes a part of me “in the back of my head” cannot help but think of this as being a metaphor for a bar or something…avoiding drunk chicks?

at any rate this fits somewhat poetically in with the celibacy in the poem, the impossibility of avoiding her but the ability to “walk away”...though this is an objective observation almost of what you’ll do, and what she will do, but moreover this, in your case in the poem, renders this poetic idea somewhat hard to penetrate/understand…as especially in the first stanza: why ‘twig girl’? why not ‘leaf’? what about her slurring of your name? is your reaction in the end correlative to her actions, if at all? (with the way your are somewhat self-partisan in S2/L7 i think so…that at least you are averse to her, maybe her acts)...i ask all this to maybe cause you to understand my point from the reader and tweak this poetic thought to a point where it better and more accessibly (by no means dumbed down, i mean) expresses itself, however without compromising its “message”...

this all being said, this poem to me is immensely interesting and i really look forward to reading something by you again…

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July 15, 2008

by softserve

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
109	75.7% (37 votes)	17.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
24	M	United States	December 03

thanks for taking time to read and review.  i’m thinking of changing the speaker’s reaction to grabbing a chainsaw..maybe..or something.  haven’t gotten it all figured out yet for sure, but i would surely love to make this poem more accessible.

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the chainsaw is somewhat incongruous.  i’d like to see what this was about more clearly developed

Interesting.  Strangely universal.  I may be off base, but it evoked for me the days when i used to go our drinking and meet up with women I did not really want to sleep with but did so out of boredom, or sense of machismo, or some other misdirected need.  Interesting

Twig girl makes me thing she must be anorexic or at least just very thin. I could be wrong. Either way, I like the description.

Blimey, I am really loving your work. The imagery is so plain, strong and unusual, and you always manage to pick excellent similes (her heart/like a throbbing lime – who’d have thought of that?). This one is almost like a fable, with touches of a horror story. Reminds me a bit of a Tim Burton scenario.

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February 01, 2007

by softserve

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
109	75.7% (37 votes)	17.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
24	M	United States	December 03

thanks.  i’m glad someone gets my stuff.

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Wow, I really like this, to me it shows how a hard a guy can hurt a girl, so It makes me sad, but at the same time it just kind of make me snicker. I don’t really know why.

But I really like this! The ending was definitely my favorite, usually I like some words in the middle.

Really good job!

Wow.  Interesting.  Cool.  I like the way you wrote it, wierd, enchanting, and macabre in humor.  The imagery is good- “heart like a throbbing lime” is my favorite, great sweet similie.  The conclusion comes gently out of no where, which makes it strong.  I think instead of “Twig girl” having a comma at the end, a (-) would be better to show progression at the beginning of the poem having a noticable break for the next idea.  In the line where you begin “And a stick” I suggest you change the And by deleting it or finding another word like “Then,” or someting better that will make that beginning more stronger and definate.  Really cool poem

Well this just made me smile because, what can I say? Her heart beat like a throbbing lime? I will cherish that image till time immemorial, thank you for that. :) But I have to say there is something very appealing about this poem though I can’t put my finger on it, and there’s certianly enough that’s not quite stellar, but i like your openess.

what!!!!!!!!

i love it till the end.  But i guess that was on purpose.  I mean, if i accept the end.  It works well.  Surprising.  Good job.

Hm… couldn’t make much sense of this poem.  Kinda boring, just couldn’t get into it.  Maybe it’s just not my style.  But I can’t help but wonder if I missed somethin here.

I DID like the last stanza, however, ‘cause it had a funny little twist to it.  Otherwise, I was kinda like “Eh?”  Can’t figure out what else to say about it other than that.