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Poetry / shadows upon shadows
.Shadows upon shadows.
Confound and compound me,
They astound me and surround me.
They whisper in my ear,
The things they doth hear.
Fright and delight,
Screams the sound into the night.
Upon raze and haze,
I do but gaze.
Naked they felt,
And clothed they lacked,
Covered in black and cloth made of sack.
Silent they go,
And far they appear,
When they want,
Their eyes seem so near.
A gasp I lay still,
Not hot,
Not cold,
Nil.
Strange is the light,
That shines down on their blight.
Cages and holes,
The seam and the fold,
That’s when they speak,
And my life seems so old.
Beckon me calling,
Beseech me they do,
Hear my steps falling,
Walk close but with whom?
Frazzled but dazzled,
Down deep into the chasm,
Always to dream,
Sleep,
Stay awake,
All fades the gleam.
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youngjed reviewed Version 1 -
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i see from your note that you are against this but it for a reader, or rather for me, to relate to this they will to understand about what it was at the specific time that motivated you to write this.
Is raze a word?
Down deep into the chasm – doesbn;t scan with teh general rhythm
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obelletto reviewed Version 1 -
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Good work with the sounds in this poem. I can’t help thinking they would become much more evocative if there were some descriptive features to attach them to. It could be as simple as one object casting a multiplicitous knurl of shadows, or it could be an entire room full of furniture, each casting and individual shadow into a common pool. That would help the reader to place the speaker. As yet, there is no setting, except that by the end of the poem we assume someone has been sleeping, because of the sleep and the dream.
I think removing the antiquated words, such as “doth,” would also improve the poem, along with returning the sentences from inverted syntax. The modern ear is not friendly towards sentences that are out of normal order.
Elron reviewed Version 1 -
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Very dark and emo/goth (whatever they call it these days) poetry. Almost lyrical with all of the rhyming. I imagine stumbling into some underground club by accident and seeing a black clad figure wearing mascara and lipstick singing these words to similarly dressed minions of the night. Keep up the good work.
sharkseek reviewed Version 1 -
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i like it! I’m always surprised when i find something i really enjoy, but this i do. My only complaint, call it a critique if you will, is that i prefer stanzas or breaks. The lack of form there makes it a somewhat difficult read, even after finding the rythm of the writing.
I’ll look forward to reviewing another of your works.
Ch0ronzon reviewed Version 1 -
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Hey this was pretty good! Nice and wordy, but I think you did a good job putting your colorful vocabulary into play. There WERE a few lines where the rhyme seemed a little forced, for exmaple, in: ”Down deep into the chasm.” I think that line could afford to lose just one syllable and it would flow better.
In line ten, I think you might have meant to write: “and clothES they lacked” not clothed. At least, that would make more sense.
The line that reads: “That shines down on their blight” could also afford to lose a syllable. I don’t know, might wanna try it out and see if it works for you. It would certainly maintain a consisten rhythm, which you had going for you in most of the poem.
Although the poem DOES kinda deviate from it’s rhytm in some places, it had sort of a playful feel to it in my opinion, so I give it a 6.
boredatwork reviewed Version 1 -
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The title is good and directs the reader, or at least this reader to an image, of a shadow or shadows. At least I read it with this image in mind.
I liked the line, “not hot,/ not cold/ nil.” Its as if there is safety in shadows. Shadows do not judge, they do not feel, they are neither hot, nor cold, we are safe in the shadows, safe from a world that judges us.
I would like to see that imagery developed a bit more, if, of course, that is what you were after…..
We all cast shadows, and in that sense, they are with us all the time, yet neither our friend or our enemy. In that regard to the extent that this poem made me think, I really liked it.
softserve reviewed Version 1 -
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the rhymes are distracting, so is the inconsistent use of anachronistic language.
Phill reviewed Version 1 -
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A nice, sort of gothic, poem. I enjoyed. I only have one suggestion. I would just leave out “doth”. It just doesn’t seem to fit. The rest of the poem has a modern feel to it and that word just feels ancient. A very good poem. Thank you for sharing.
ShivaSamurai reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the technique that you chose to write this poem in. Alot of your lines have two words that rhyme and it gives it a great rhythm throughout the poem and gives it a fun, playful way to tell this tale of shadows. Also, you give good mystery by describing the shadows and their actions yet not really definately diving too deep, which I think is good and preserves their nature. I did think some of the lines could use more words or lose some in order to keep a nice cadence throughout it, but that’s optional and not very necessary, just something that I felt would keep each line sort of flowing with a pattern because the rhythm laid out is awesome and more of a steady cadence that is uniform throughout it would help. great word choice and description.
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