Thank you, Brandy.
Some would say that life is nothing but a dream.
Some would say the only truth we find is when we wake up and look back through the dream.
Of course some never wake up and some after waking, choose to go back to sleep.
Poetry / just for tonight
“Just for tonight”
Settling into my home,
Once was full but now alone.
Unplug the sky and watch it burn,
Forget all at once the song I’ve learned.
It came too quick and left me be,
I’m thinking when I’m awake it is the dream.
Walking along,
The way is long,
Suffer to Wright,
And suffer to wrong.
Looking back I look ahead,
Sup with me and break this bread.
Floating on the clouds and time,
Follow me down and across the line.
Speak with me on things so old,
But don’t forget what I’ve told.
Dripping pen,
It comes from within,
Soon ill stop what I did begin,
Shallow and slow,
It is the way,
Some would choose,
And some would say.
To walk my own and fill those shoes,
That’s the thing I’ve chose to do.
Let me gaze upon blue skies,
In clouds of gray is where they lie.
Same old story,
Through guts and glory,
I’m not alone,
But have nothing for you.
White and black is what’s here,
Tip the scale and draw it near.
Face the wrath of shame and scorn,
All the day since you were born,
Remember the times you sang so well,
On the past you cannot dwell.
Savory and smart,
Play your part,
Lay it down,
Your broken heart.
Fiery eyes,
And words that kill,
The old man lives upon the hill.
He watches you,
He watches me,
He has foretold,
What came to be.
Sound no more,
To be heard,
Blood runs cold,
Says the word.
Unclasp your hands,
Its time to sleep,
Dream and fall,
Into the deep.
Say goodnight,
And let him go,
The curtain closes with the show.
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obelletto reviewed Version 1 -
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My favorite line is, “Unplug the sky and watch it burn.” It makes absolutely no sense, but that can be corrected. The poem has a wealth of ideas, but instead of stopping to dwell and explore these ideas, it jumps on to the next one, never really allowing access to the reader.
My guess is that either there’s something that you knew it was about, but knew it so well it didn’t occur to tell it, or this was generated as part of a free write and didn’t have a subject to tie it together.
Revision depends on which of these (if either) is true. If it’s the first, then the job is to speak that thing clear to you but not clear to us. If it’s the second, then the job is to use this as a resource for poems. Take one line and make a poem out of it. There are a lot of provocative lines here, so a lot of poems can be started.
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brandyrox reviewed Version 1 -
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the imagery was really wonderful. My intial reaction I like how it went from the realization of a dream to going back into a dream at the end. I really liked the Dripping Pen line. and what you said about it flowing from within. there is truth here. Consider going a bit deeper and really pointing this talent toward something. Poetry can be used to really exaplin somehting that cant be explained through linear thought. I see talent here. I would now like to see your message.
Preston reviewed Version 1 -
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I enjoyed the over all picture you painted.
planetaryexit reviewed Version 1 -
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A truly dark poem that incorporated the ideas of a person causing the pain of life. And for that I shall and to it and put my quote of life “black and white was not enough I want vibrance said the man.” Keep up the good work its a very moving poem.
Ravenn reviewed Version 1 -
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This is an amazing poem. I’m in awe that it is only the third you have written. I hope you keep writing more. Your talent it clearly evident.
The words flow and unfold perfectly from beginning to end. At first I felt it needed to have a few breaks in between because it is one continuous piece, but after reading it several times, I believe this format adds to the appeal and actually lends more meaning to your written words.
I love the use of opposite meanings that you use throughout such as “Looking back I look ahead” or “Once was full but now alone.”
Your imagery and use of words are wonderful. You have the ability to make me “see” this poem in my mind’s eye as it unfolds and when that happens, I know a poem has touched me deeply.
A few of my favorite parts are:
Unplug the sky and watch it burn – the imagery of this is beautiful.
White and black is what’s here,
Tip the scale and draw it near. – very powerful wording, love it
My favorite part of this poem is the ending:
Blood runs cold,
Says the word.
Unclasp your hands,
Its time to sleep,
Dream and fall,
Into the deep.
Say goodnight,
And let him go,
The curtain closes with the show.
The ending is as powerful as it is sorrowful. I tend to favor the darker side of writing. I love the sadness and darkness of your words. Simply beautiful. I look forward to reading more of your writing.
I do have one question about one line:
Suffer to Wright – should that not be right?
tia_logic reviewed Version 1 -
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Rhyme. Dictates. Meaning.
The end. Writing something where you invent the last word first and try to cram a meaning into it just doesn’t equate good literary craftsmanship.
If you are heartset on rhyme (which honestly, is ridiculously hard to do well) then you really need to look at some resources aimed toward writing with rhyme instead of for rhyme.
That said, you have a couple of things that show me you have the capability to do better (allusions, for one) and I think that’s exciting.
You truly need to keep an eye out for spelling, capitalization etc—the basics, you know. People will tear you up in here.
this lacks any rhythm, which is really key in poetry.
Best of luck.
Love, love.
softserve reviewed Version 1 -
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i really REALLY like the “unplug the sky.” seriusly that is really cool. other than that, the rhymes really distracted, and you lost rhythm here and there. keep it up!
ikarus_falls reviewed Version 1 -
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i love the way you run the gamut of life throughout the poem it has an air of determmination throughout all the tribulations and the godlike figure “The old man lives upon the hill.
He watches you,
He watches me,
He has foretold,” is a great addition to the poem
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