“I was a little confused with the message you were trying to convey in this piece.”
Thats okay, I don’t understand everything I read either.
Thank you for your time.
Poetry / “Some will see”
“Some will see”
Call out that name,
With a hint of shame,
All of my glory,
To tell her story.
Fought from the past,
The air that I grasp.
To one wish is all,
Through spring, summer and fall.
The cold wind blows,
And the sound of the night,
Look down into nothing,
And see what is right.
On the tips of my fingers,
Doth that feeling linger.
The pact that was made,
My memories won’t fade,
The truth that was spoke,
When we swore an oath,
Sheltered and warm,
Now we are torn.
My tribute to you,
These warm settled few,
Ill never look back,
Or wish to start anew.
Ill never shiver in fear,
Like the times you were near,
Now I understand,
The wrong in my plan.
Stumble through the mist,
My world seems to list,
Things I never really had,
That’s what I miss.
When I smile,
And deep in my eyes,
One day some will see,
And understand all of my lies.
Til that day does come,
On this trodden ground,
Ill speak of no more,
The things that I have found.
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brandyrox reviewed Version 1 -
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I was a little confused with the message you were trying to convey in this piece. Maybe the rhyme took precendence over content here a little. I did like some of the word pairings but I found that some of the message underneath the words was muddled.
Over all I found it to be fair
Keep it up!
wereangel reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked this a lot. There was a good flow to the words. It moved me and really stirred feeling inside me.
tasteyourVANITYx reviewed Version 1 -
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I really liked this. It’s a really good poem.
“Things I never really had, That’s what I miss.” That was my favorite line.
You’re good at writing. you have a way with the words.
Keep writing.
[:
Ravenn reviewed Version 1 -
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I love this. I like the use of the word “doth.” This poem evokes a feeling of another century, not the present, perhaps the Victorian times.
Is there a particular reason you chose to run all the lines together? I think stanza’s would work nicely.
I am trying to decide what exactly happened in this poem. I like that it has me pondering a few difference scenarios and that I wish it would reveal exactly what the secret is that this person is hiding.
It’s obvious a marriage or a serious relationship was shattered. I get the feeling that he stumbled upon her having an affair and witnessed it with his own eyes:
“Call out that name, With a hint of shame,All of my glory, To tell her story.”
I also get the feeling because of what she did, he killed her and she has been buried “On this trodden ground” – perhaps the very place he came upon her.
Because it is in the olden times, and he speaks of shame, he will not tarnish her name nor speak of what she did until:
One day some will see,
And understand all of my lies.
Til that day does come,
On this trodden ground,
Ill speak of no more,
The things that I have found.
I love it. It’s very different from most of the poems I’ve read. I’m very curious if I was able to unlock it’s meaning.
Nice job!
momsgirl2 reviewed Version 1 -
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IT WOULD HELP IF YOU PUT COMMAS IN THE ILL AND MAKE IT I’LL. I thought you were writing about something ill. About the word doth..get some books on Old English and do more of your words that way..I love them also. words like t’were…t’was…ere..olde..Your poetry reads like it would work in old English,,
beysshoes reviewed Version 1 -
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“One day some will see, And understand all of my lies. Til that day does come,
On this trodden ground, Ill speak of no more, The things that I have found…”
These 2 final sentences were the most compelling in my read of your poem. And yet they seemed unattached to the theme of its preceding passages.
It’s almost as though, you give voice to the afterthoughts without laying the scene from which they had sprung.
Clearly, this writing is close to your heart. I do so hope you would give us a foundation for your soulful thoughts. Sarai
ohbaby82986 reviewed Version 1 -
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I rated it a four because I personally cant understand the message behind it, but I could notice the rhythm. I also like your word play. It just seems like there is no meaning behind it. Does any of it tie together? I would really appreciate if we could discuss the poem. I am new to the reading and writing scene, so im trying to exercise my muscle right now. Thanks for the read. Contrary to belief; I did very much enjoy it. For some reason, it made me smile while reading it! Keep those creative juices flowing!
Sincerly yours, Geno *~
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