Oh yeah, I forgot the ‘my friend’ bit. That was part of the assignment.
Short Story / Greater Forces
My friend recently sent a letter to a government agency asking for a detail to be erased. It would not take them long, just a minor adjustment. The first interview had taken place a few years ago – after the ‘incident’. Fin didn’t remember all of what he had said. But he remembered this detail.
A few days later, Fin got a phone call from a government agent. It was late in the afternoon. He was drinking coffee by himself. The short black was a substitute for the meth-amphetamines he would normally take before going on duty.
“Mr Ellis, we received your letter.”
Fin still had the bitter residue on the back of his tongue.
“Yes.”
“It is not normal procedure to allow someone to alter a statement. Not this long after the case.”
“I see.”
The agent gave it time to bake.
“Why would you want to change your statement now, Mr Ellis?”
“I was wrong.”
“The statement stands as record.”
Fin has taken his sunglasses off, to order the coffee. On returning to the pavement, they’d seemed unnecessary as he took a seat, facing south at the farthest table. A solitary cloud shielded him from the sun’s brilliance. Only now, as the agent waited for his reply, did Fin sense the burning in his periphery.
“I’d like to change it.”
“You’ll need to come in, to discuss this further.”
It was a steady night at the Nightclub. Fin was use to people staring at his face. When they were drunk, it was more delayed – that moment when shame overtook their curiosity. Fin was ever alert to customers who were attempting to leave the premises still holding a bottle or glass. He knew how to lock their elbows, so that they couldn’t strike a blow. They would drop what ever was in their hands, as they became incapacitated from pain. It didn’t matter how much they’d had to drink, or what they were on. Fin could guarantee them pain.
He got home at four. Every month or so he would invite some of the bar staff to join him, if there wasn’t a party for industry people at another venue. Tonight he was alone. A few weeks ago, he had the whole gang over. His place was within walking distance, and he liked to provide somewhere safe for the younger bar staff to indulge in their extra-curricular activities. He had found himself next to a new girl, Hannah. She was in an ecstasy confessional – a bubble of warmth and indiscretion.
“She would give me medicine, she’d always be so concerned. I’d miss so much school and spend weeks in at The Children’s Hospital. I was twelve when they first pressed charges against her. I didn’t understand, all I knew was that they had taken my mother away from me.”
Fin could barely meet her eyes – that look of wonderment, as she rushed over the words so that they wouldn’t make an impact.
“But I stopped being sick, and the condition got explained to me while my mother was in psychiatric care. She lives in a house with some other women now, I have dinner with her once a week.”
“You see her? You let her cook you meals?”
Fin was stunned.
Hannah’s skin glowed with compassion.
“I had to forgive her, to trust her. If you knew what she had gone through, in her life . . . “
Fin noticed a concerned look from across the room. Jessie was checking to see if he needed to be rescued. Fin shook his head while Hannah stared up at a light. But she saw him anyway, as she looked back to find his eyes. The thought that Fin could understand her state of mind sent another wave of rapture through her body.
“Oh, Fin. You can’t hold people responsible.”
She reached out and ran her finger along the scar that traversed him, from cheek to chin.
“There are greater forces at work. I can feel them all around people, like auras.”
Hannah looked to her side, momentarily lost. Fin passed across the stein of water he was holding for her. She took a feeble sip and handed the glass back while watching the meniscus fracture against the glass wall.
“Great waves, the wave of our past, push us on.”
Hannah squinted, and Fin was relieved to not have to stare at those moon shaped eyes.
Fin was alone tonight. He had inspection on Monday. There was a reflection on the tiled floor, from the black goods and the cabinet that housed his trophies. He had wiped over the couches as well, in the hope of uncovering a hint of their former sheen. Fin poured himself a large glass of milk and took to a packet of cereal, snacking down on the oval chunks. Some ambient disks were still in the carousel. He let them play until he was ready for sleep.
A few days later he made a visit to the government agency. He was directed through a large office space, to where Agent Wills had his desk.
“Mr Ellis, thanks for coming in.”
The Agent watched the younger man take a seat and begin to explain.
“It’s only a small part of the statement that I want to change.”
The agent’s face was ash and grit.
“Are you saying that you lied in your statement?”
“No, just that I was wrong.”
“Wrong about what?”
“I said that Trey Bellesconi was responsible.”
The agent interjected.
“Trey Bellesconi was responsible for your injuries.”
My friend felt the scorn and frustration radiate from the agent’s face. It dried out his throat and made it so much harder to continue explaining himself.
“He hurt me, but he wasn’t responsible. There were greater forces at work.”
The agent relished any opportunity to stamp out the fire.
“And Mr Bellesconi has been very helpful, by testifying about these greater forces.”
Fin pictured Hannah’s face.
“Not those greater forces. I was reading a story in the weekend paper, about how interrogations work. You never blame the person. You blame everything and everyone else – building an entire history – to lessen their culpability, so that it makes it easier for them to confess. You admit to the forces that lead to an individual’s actions. Then you turn it ‘round and say they’re responsible. Do you think that’s fair?”
Fin felt that he had got it all out.
“We are still ultimately responsible for our actions, Mr Ellis. That is how the law works. This sounds like something personal, coming to terms with what happened. You keep it personal. We can’t alter the public record.”
Fin got out of his chair and walked to the door.
“Okay, I understand.”
“Good luck, Mr Ellis.”
He put on his sunglasses, before walking back through the office. He didn’t say goodbye.
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77sunset reviewed Version 4 -
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Very interesting excerpt from what must be a larger work. I would have liked to have read the background, or prequel or whatever it was that gives me the feeling that this is an excerpt. I could relate to what was going on but I was missing pieces that were important. As far as the writing goes it is excellent. If it was really meant to be a standalone piece then I apologize and commend you for the writing itself. I am a fan of the slice of life type of writing but this one threw me if that is what it was meant to be. It sounded like a reporter, just reporting the facts, without any comment or slant on your own personal feelings through the characters. That’s a good talent to have and could serve you well in certain situations. It’s tough for a good writer to keep his or her feelings out of what they write about, but it is necessary so keep on writing and/or reporting from the world that is part fiction and part reality. All you need is love, John
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Sinner26 reviewed Version 3 -
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Not to go against the other reviewer or say he was in any way wrong. But I enjoyed the first person. It make me feel like an acquaintance was telling me the story and that person was a close friend of Fin’s. Besides some small gramatical errors this piece was written very well. Was the perfect length too. Not to long to scare readers away or dwell too much into the story. Not too short to make no sense or not cover enough details. Superb work overall. 9/10
acceptedlove reviewed Version 4 -
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This immediately drew me in to the story. There are a lot of questions unanswered though but I suppose that is on purpose. Is this a chapter or a part of a chapter in a larger piece? I really want to learn more about this character, his injuries, and what he’s going through right now. Your dialogue is great though I was confused during the conversation with Hannah about who was talking and when. But other than that, it was clear.
You have great imagery and descriptions such as “A solitary cloud shielded him from the sun’s brilliance. Only now, as the agent waited for his reply, did Fin sense the burning in his periphery.”
Some of the writing I had to read twice to make sure I was catching everything going on. There is a lot of depth in your writing and you do not take a lot of words to explain what is going on.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this and would love to read more about these characters.
MaggieMinardi reviewed Version 4 -
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This can be something great. I had trouble following bits of it, Inspection on Monday, the nightclub after work party. It seemed like Hannah and Fin might be better off alone as the mention of Jessie was sudden and then she disappeared again.
The sunglasses are good, the subtle eye theme. Why does he take them off to order coffee? Maybe he should do it to enter the dim restaurant.
Is the night Fin is alone before or after the interview? That paragraph gives us some insight into Fin, but I’m not sure it fits there.
This story is very much from Fin’s point of view. I don’t know if having the narrator be someone other than Fin brings anything. I think it can just be third person and leave out the narrator, since the friend wouldn’t have Fin’s thoughts and impressions of people. Or is the friend actually Fin distancing himself from all of it?
I would love to read this piece again and see more into Fin.
Bon_Prog reviewed Version 3 -
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I like this story overall but I wonder if less adept readers would find it such an easy read.
The narrative structure is a bit all over the place. I don’t see that the 1st person framing adds anything so I suggest you drop it (“My friend tried to change a statement”).
The main issue is chronology. As far as I can tell it is this – 1)Fin sits at a coffee shop talking on the phone to the governement agent 2) Fin goes to work 3) We flash back to Fin’s conversation with Hannah 4) Fin goes to the government office the next day to try and alter his statement.
I think you could make things clearer by having Fin already at the government office. Introduce his request – flashabck to reveal motivation – flashforward to the agent’s reply.
Some details seem a bit superflous to the story, or introduced in the wrong place. The dialougue with Hannah is great, but it you should cut the dialougue with the agent and get straight to the point. SOme descriptions seem overly wordy (“the machinations of the clouds”) whilst at other times careless.
I like this story but I think the way you’ve introduced information soemtimes makes it hard to follow.
January 17, 2007
Deleted User
Review of Version 2 -
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good read, a good little tale. I would suggest getting rid of the phrase “my friend” entirely, or at least after the first use. Using Fin would help keep the flow up. Nice interweaving of Hannah’s story into why Fin wants to change his statement.
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