Well, this is the eighth chapter, so there’s been a lot of description in earlier chapters. I agree that it needs more, but like you said, it is also a rough draft.
Thanks for your comments. I hope that you will continue to read the rest of the story.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Gate of the Realms (Chapter 8)
Chapter 8
Satyros had forgotten how good it felt to be a part of column of men marching off to some unknown fate. After three years of peace, he was ready to breathe the crisp morning air and appreciate it for what it could be; the last morning of his life. It was exhilarating. More than that, it was life.
Maianiron led the procession of warriors, her mail glistening in the early morning light, a smile set firmly upon her face. Cael rode beside her, their horses even in their step. Maianiron had brought Fæ five thousand warriors, all from a variety of distant lands. Her own men totaled to twice that, and some of her men were scattered all over Fæ. Although most of her men marched with her now, messengers had been sent out to the free-riders that guarded the outlying realms. By Satyros’ reckoning, there should be another five thousand that were to meet them on the road. He began to wonder what kind of army would require twenty thousand armed cavalrymen to defeat. His expectations were high.
Áedán had taken up residence in Satyros’ company for translation purposes. Ren rode to the left Satyros as he was wont to do since Kai had taken up with a group of soldiers that admired his humor more. Satyros was distinctly aware of the rift that his title had set between himself and Kai. They grew further apart with each silent day. He mourned the loss, but there was no going back and fixing it. There was nothing either one of them could do.
On the third day of the march, scouts reported back more frequently to Maianiron. After several hours of this, a vanguard of horsed warriors appeared from an eastern road. The Fæn queen ordered a halt as the company approached. The leader of the vanguard sat tall upon a black stallion, the Captain’s attire was dark as were most of the warriors that followed behind. Satyros had never seen chain mail so dark or finely crafted.
The dark captain hailed the Queen and for a moment they talked quietly in their language. After a moment, the captain removed the helm to reveal a woman’s face. Despite the time Satyros had to accustom himself to female warriors, he was still surprised to see such a dark figure transform into a stunning beauty.
“She is called the Dark Florette in your tongue. She is Briallen, to those who know her well.” Áedán said in a hushed tone to Satyros.
“She is Fæn?” Satyros asked.
“She is our cousin. My father’s sister-daughter. Third heir to the high seat if Maianiron and I perish in battle.”
“Does she care for titles and honors?”
“You mean, does she have ambition?”
“Bluntly put, yes.”
“She has ambition, but not for Maianiron’s seat. Her ambition is dedicated to destroying the gate to the Rogue World. Briallen would give her life for Maianiron. Have no doubt of that. In truth, she is like a sister. All three of us grew up together after Briallen’s parents were slain in an attack on an outlying citadel.”
“Hence her dark presence,” Satyros noted presently. A dark past often created a dark persona.
“Dark? I suppose. She does has a wicked sense of humor.”
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JRChristopher reviewed Version 3 -
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Some parts of this leave me wondering, for instance.
The prince took an arrow. Where?
Other than that this is impressive. Very creative. I usually only check grammar and punc. but I got caught up in this quickly. It leaves you wanting more.
There are a few typos here and there, and some spelling. Nothing big though.
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DarkShadow reviewed Version 3 -
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I really enjoyed this tale. Specifically the ‘character’ of Briallen. Her sharp wit and tongue are refreshing and help to give her a credible depth. I’d like to see a little more description in the writing. Right now I’m not fully seeing the scene in my mind. I’m not hearing the fire crack, or smelling the smoke during the telling of the tale. My only suggestion would be that you try and remember that we have 5 senses. I’d like to see a little of each in almost every sentence to help paint the picture.
It’s a great start, and as you say a rough draft so I won’t trouble with spelling or grammar. The flow for the most part seems good. Whether this was the first or the last chapter, it is interesting enough to keep me reading, and I think that is important too. Many people build up their first chapter and then the dynamic of the story is lost. That does not seem to be the case here.
Very nice! Thank you for the read!
stygmarsh reviewed Version 3 -
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Here are my opinions with overview later.
Lose “far into the evening and” to economise?
Which “he” in “much to his relief”
20,000 cavalry! Wow! A lot of horseflesh
Lose “Seemed” from “it seemed as if they talked”?
Overview: An enjoyable read. Very hearty stuff and flowed well, with the Dark Florette a suitably sassy warrior-ess. Its maybe as it stands a bit light on the detail of a Cavalry army on the march, food and fodder etc, but the dialogue takes it along.
JEBradwyn reviewed Version 2 -
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I liked this. I think you’ve done a lot better job of showing just how fiesty Briallen can be. Looks like things are coming along nicely.
JEBradwyn reviewed Version 1 -
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The number crunching at the beginning was a bit much for me, though I wouldn’t say it was completely unnecessary.
I like the way Briallen was introduced; there was something very classic about how it was done; it stood out very well as being the overall purpose of the scene. I also liked how she was explained more by the characters than by narration; it gives the reader a better heads up on how she is going to mix with the rest of the group.
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