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Romance / 11 Months
Eleven months ago
I said yes to you
Eleven months ago
We kissed for the first time
We were hanging out
And having a good time
I even looked past
All of your lame pick-up lines
We went on the hayride
And you held me tight
As we tried not to fall off
And have to blank out the night
Then we danced for a bit
A few minutes at most
But I guess it was long enough
For you to go around and boast
After that we sat on the ground
We were so extremely close to the fire
You then pulled me close
Because I was tired
We then snuck away
Hoping not to be seen
And our friends didn’t notice
So there was no big scene
Then we lay out under the stars
Talking about our classes
And how long we had
Until we were found in the grasses
You grabbed my hand
And pretended to notice
That my face was bright red
And my skin was hot like a furnace
We talked some more
About the world and our friends
Your turned onto your side
And gave me a metal filled grin
I looked into your electric blue eyes
Then you gave me that kiss
A kiss so full of passion
I’m glad it wasn’t one I had to miss
And now here we are
A few hundred kisses later
Eleven whole months have gone by
And our lives couldn’t get much better
And now you ask me
Why I’ve stuck with you this long
And all I can say
Is that bring me the sun at dawn
You scare away the dark
And you bring me good dreams
And I love you so much
My heart threatens to rip its seams
And I thank you so much
For the love that you’ve shown
And you now have my heart
It’s now all yours to own
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i think this is the most powerful line in this piece, it of ties all of the rest together.
“And all I can say
Is that bring me the sun at dawn”
as for the rest of it. the feeling is good, the concept is good, the progression is good also. the first part of the piece has no flow whatsoever, i dont know if you were trying to acheive this, but it makes for a difficult read. if you start free verse, finish free verse and if you start with rhymes…etc. the rhymes seem forced and there is no real flow to them. some lines:
“Then you gave me that kiss
A kiss so full of passion
I’m glad it wasn’t one I had to miss”
needs to have words dropped for harmony to really show. you may(if you are the type to re-work your work) want to try replacing some of the words or leaving some out to give this poem a better overall feel. other than some spelling and grammar issues….
its a beautiful feeling and emotion, but not a well written piece.
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this is borderline cliche. you are dancing on the line. things that pull you to the good side of it are phrases like “metal filled smile”. You need to be more specific. Right now this is just a generic love poem that could be about anyone. details about you and this other person real physical details will make the poem more original and thus take it out of the cliche realm.
My goodness, this piece of writing is breathtaking. I have only read poems like this in published work. I am amazed at your mastery of the English language and the feeling you convey. Even though its been eleven months, you are so in love with him/her(It seemed like a guy from lines like “I even looked past/ all of your lame pick-up lines,” but I am not going to assume). I love the last two lines especially.
And you now have my heart
It’s now all yours to own
They’re pure brilliance, you love whoever they are so much that you’ve given yourself up to them. I would be surprised not to find this in some collection of poems one day. Great Job! Don’t stop writing.
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