Duly noted. Many thx for stopping by. Bey
Poetry / "Long Ago Days"
She wonders if he wakens with the cleansing wash of rain,
To bird’s promise in melodic notes of cheer.
She hears his reluctant padding on some
dew mussed tiles downstairs.
The kitchen beckons his measured stepping,
onto sunny patterns in display.
The cuppa brew he claims,
just as so very many morns before.
Worn denims and stale ‘wife-beaters’ loiter
his ready for the day.
Lodestone smells of night-sweats trail his stay.
He ponders, as he idles, on what tales he’ll walk into today.
Will he secret some room to bring me along?
Does he pack me in steeped greed?
Can he hear my distant laughter at his funnies?
Ease in recall of my nursing his mighty pains?
Does he still, at hearing my far away heart-speak?
Or has my calling been veneered?
Do our long-ago days together,
ruminate or had they worn out in replay?
Does he tend to its levy?
And keep safe the remains?
Pay his time in vigil over its pulse
Now ebbing; our long ago days.
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victorianLace reviewed Version 2 -
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Basically I like this poem because of some of the images it produces (dew-mussed tiles; cleansing wash of rains; lodestone smells of night sweats);however, I had trouble with the verb tenses. I couldn’t quite grasp whether it was placed in the present with old memories sneaking in, or was set in the past and evolving around memories. I also had trouble with “their final coupling, not yet complete” – why? that isn’t explained. Yet since you used the words “not yet” it implies there will be further action on their part, even though the tone of the poem is sad and gives me a sense of parting.
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RichCool reviewed Version 2 -
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I like this poem, at times i kind of faded out of understanding though. Maybe break up a few of the sentences and put them on another line. This might help with the flow and make it more like a poem. At this point it almost seems like a novel then a poem. Good work Though!
February 18, 2007
Deleted User
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The description you use in this poem is astonishing. If you choose to add or change anything, let it be your choice. I don’t see any significant need for change in this poem. Also, apparently I have developed a negative rating slant, but I did give this poem a 10. Thanks for posting and keep it up, this is marvelous work.
fireballems reviewed Version 2 -
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wakens to awakens
creative imagery. i like.
you change the type of words well. like still to stills.
in the last stanza, I wouldn’t us “as” twice.
good, maybe add some more, a more narrative thing. because at times it seems to edging towards that way.
Soninmyeyes reviewed Version 2 -
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Good imagery, very fluid, very morning. Seems delicate yet unkempt (or real, rather). No more time wasted on description. Here are a few suggestions:
Clumsily spilt, tags his worn denims and frayed tee, – As “tags” is so rarely used to describe a spill, at first read it sounds like a noun. If you instead say “it tags” your fluidity won’t really be interrupted while the ease of reading will be much increased.
Their final coupling, not yet complete. – In no other place do you have two sentences in one line. This one could/should be given its own line, even if only to
In the second to last line, “loves” should be “love’s”.
CherubTattoo reviewed Version 2 -
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I like to think of myself as being “of a literary mind” so may I just say it is refreshing to read a piece written today, in the style of writing commonly found hundreds of years ago. It’s a very sweet snapshot into a couple’s love story.
“He can hear, at a distance, her laughter’s sprinkling chime; at his nonsensical, inane funnies.
And each twinge brings back missed, her nursing of long-ago hurting, still nettling his pain.” That stanza particularly reminds me of Shakespeare.
I cannot really think of anything bad to say about the poem. It’s beautifully written and there’s things in the poem that everyone can relate to.
suhbrina reviewed Version 2 -
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i feel like i know you, this is amazing and i had to read it more than once. i had my friend read it too… i want to read more of youre writing and im most definatly will.
AprilleRay reviewed Version 2 -
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I love the essence of the poem and the melody. I think this is a great story/poem and it draws my attention. Great words and phrases.. Good luck!
emstjames reviewed Version 2 -
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At first I thought that this was about someone about to die, but then realized that what died was what used to be. They are walking through life, and she misses the love of their youth. But there she is…enduring.
FinnessaWilliams reviewed Version 2 -
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I think what I felt here was a soft touch, a quiet tenacity and a very deep appreciation of the person in this poem, real or imagined.
The thing about really good writing is the person seems real even if he isn’t.
The cuppa-brew he claims, just as so many morns before.
Clumsily spilt, tags his worn denims and frayed tee,
This was my favorite passage. It was the clearest, and though this isn’t greatly encumbered, this passage is the least of all of it. It’s simple and gives a great picture.
I have to say watch the punctuation. It is all over the place and I feel good punctuation is key to a poem. It seems to me that there was some uncertainty as to how to punctuate certain passages.
I liked this, but I do think a little cleaning up will greatly improve this work.
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