Haiku/Senryu / Fallout

I like this a lot.

The delicate lily contrasted with the harsh volcanic ash sets up interesting imagery.

I like the whole analogy.  Its very comlimentary.

The only thing I would change is maybe “covered.” Perhaps a more vivid verb would be more engaging.  Like “eclipsed by” or something…

Anyways, I enjoyed this, good work!

Excellent!  Strong imagery, underlying emotion, and it gets the point across beautifully.  You’re delivering us layers with only 17 syllables, and that’s not something that’s easy to accomplish.  Nicely done.

• add/view comments (1)

August 24, 2008

by Interval

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
47	86.4% (22 votes)	43.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
25	M	Canada	November 11

Thank you; I’m glad you enjoyed it.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

I actually would suggest stepping out of the water, and going with a land based plant. Instead of explicitly stating that this is about a person by using “you’re”, I would instead keep the metaphor concealed. I would also change the line to “will not surrender”, or something similar. I think that it would carry more of an impact this way. :)

• add/view comments (2)

July 09, 2008

by Interval

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
47	86.4% (22 votes)	43.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
25	M	Canada	November 11

Yeah.. well.. saying ‘will not surrender’ would be stating it in an obvious manner devoid of imagery, whereas choosing an image like the water not only says the same thing, but says it in a more memorable and colourful way. Anyway, thank you for your comments.

October 29, 2008

by Blue_Eyes

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
586	83.5% (327 votes)	74.7%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
33	M	Weedsport, NY	November 15

anyway, your welcome

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

Even though it is very to the point, as are Haikus, I really related to this one.  It’s very applicable to my life right now.  It says a lot in just 3 lines and the mental image I get is very powerful.

• add/view comments (1)

March 16, 2007

by Interval

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
47	86.4% (22 votes)	43.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
25	M	Canada	November 11

I’m glad that you responded emotionally, which is really the objective of poetry for me. Thank you for your feedback.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.