Haiku/Senryu / Promise

Overall: I think you’ve got some good imagery, but need some clarifying, and some thought. Overall, good!

Specifics:

1: I would change “That” to “So”, for clarity’s sake.

2: I don’t understand this one too well.  I assume you meant “succumb”, not “subsume”. And I don’t really understand the point of this one.

3: The mix of metaphors is a bit off-putting. I would use ships or flying things, but not both.

4: Again, I like your message, but it’s lost a little in the wording. Why would building a fire in your eyes allow you to see other fire?

I’m amazed by this series of haiku’s.
I like the way you represent giving for someone elses benefit until the last stanza.
It’s excellent.

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August 24, 2008

by Interval

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
47	86.4% (22 votes)	43.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
25	M	Canada	November 11

I’m glad that you enjoy it. Do you feel there’s anything that I can improve?

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The only complaint I have it that I want to know more.  I want more history between the “lovers”.  What anchors are you freeing her from?  How long has it been since she danced?  I completely get the theme of regaining someone’s trust after they have been hurt – thus the reference of anchors, wings, black ivy coils (great imagery, by the way) but does she have a halo to burn?  Because she doesn’t trust doesn’t make her innocent, only guarded…or maybe it does in Interval’s world…  :)

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July 09, 2007

by Interval

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
47	86.4% (22 votes)	43.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
25	M	Canada	November 11

I’m guilty of failing to analyse this piece as much as you have. This takes a page out of my personal history, so I suppose her anchors were dependence upon people who abused her trust. Looking back on this a few months later, I’m filled with a great sense of irony and melancholy.

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When Haikus are written about human nature, rather than regular nature, I heard they are called something different, but I can’t remember what.

I like this. There is something that makes me wonder what is really behind it. The first reading feels like it’s this nice poem where you’re trying to get closer to someone, but then, the verbage used is somewhat aggressive and almost violent with “shredding” and “cutting”. Almost giving this sense, that actually you might know the person or relationship to them already in some sense or other. The fire in the last stanza relates to some kind of passion, but the burning halo almost seems to tear down everything built up in the poem, in that it says to me you have gone through all this work to build the relationship and in the end it says, “oh, actually you’re not a very nice person”. So it is actually kind of bitter. I like that.

One thing that gets me is the second last stanza. The last line feels awkward to me, like a missing piece of information between “that surface tension” and “carry you softly”. Maybe just my lisdexia talking.

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June 05, 2008

by Interval

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
47	86.4% (22 votes)	43.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
25	M	Canada	November 11

Thank you for your comments. I’m glad that the work is able to evoke particular emotions of bitterness or passion or what-have-you. And I think you’re completely right about the second-last stanza; there should be a ‘may’ in there.

Cheers!

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