Well, this is the eighth chapter, so there’s been a lot of description in earlier chapters. I agree that it needs more, but like you said, it is also a rough draft.
Thanks for your comments. I hope that you will continue to read the rest of the story.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Gate of the Realms (Chapter 8)
Chapter 8
Satyros had forgotten how good it felt to be a part of column of men marching off to some unknown fate. After three years of peace, he was ready to breathe the crisp, morning air and appreciate it for what it could be; the last morning of his life. It was exhilarating. More than that, it was life.
The celebration the previous night had lasted far into the evening and well into the early morning hours. Satyros did not stay to see its end, but had left soon after Ren had given an account of Kai. Satyros was distinctly aware of the rift that his title had set between himself and his childhood friend. They grew further apart with each day that passed them in silence. He mourned the loss, but there was nothing that could be done.
Áedán had taken up residence in Satyros’ company for translation purposes, much to his relief. Ren rode to the left Satyros as he was wont to do since Kai had taken up with a group of soldiers that admired his humor more. Elias and Lucius rode with their respective companies further down the line, each with his own translator who was a constant companion.
Maianiron led the procession of warriors, her mail glistening in the early morning light, a smile set firmly upon her face. Cael rode beside her, their horses even in their step. Maianiron had brought Fæ five thousand warriors, all from a variety of distant lands. Her own men totaled to twice that, and some of them were scattered all over the vast land that was Fæ. Although most of her men marched with her now, messengers had been sent out to the free-riders that guarded the outlying regions. By Satyros’ reckoning, there should be another five thousand that were to meet them on the road. The more he contemplated the numbers they rode with, the more he began to wonder what kind of army would require twenty thousand armed cavalrymen to defeat. His expectations were high.
On the third day of the march, scouts reported back more frequently to Maianiron. After several hours of this, a vanguard of horsed warriors appeared from an eastern road. The Fæn queen ordered a halt as the company of nearly two hundred approached. The leader of the vanguard sat tall upon a black stallion. The Captain’s attire was certainly Fæn. An ebony cloak sat upon the narrow shoulders of the leader, clearly well worn and travel stained. Satyros caught a glimpse of the chain mail as the rider moved. He had almost to look twice, for the mail was as dark as the rest of the outfit. If not for the sun’s glancing, he would have never have seen the hauberk.
The dark captain hailed the Queen and, for a moment, it seemed as if they talked quietly in their language. After a time, the captain removed the helm to reveal a woman’s face. Despite the time Satyros had to accustom himself to female warriors, he was still surprised to see such a dark figure transform into a stunning beauty.
“She is called the Dark Florette in your tongue. She is Briallen, to those who know her well.” Áedán said in a hushed tone to Satyros.
“She is Fæn?” Satyros asked.
“She is my father’s sister-daughter. Third heir to the high seat if Maianiron and I were to perish in battle.”
“Does she care for titles and honors?”
Áedán raised an eyebrow, “You mean to ask if she has ambition?”
“Bluntly put, yes.”
“She has ambition, but not for Maianiron’s seat. Her ambition is dedicated to destroying the gate to the Rogue World. Briallen would give her life for Maianiron. Have no doubt of that. In truth, she is like a sister. All three of us grew up together after Briallen’s parents were slain in an attack on an outlying citadel.”
“Hence her dark presence,” Satyros noted presently. A dark past often created a dark persona.
“Dark? I suppose. She does have a wicked sense of humor. Her so called ‘dark presence’ has much to do with the nature of her missions. Her patrols cover chiefly that land that closely borders the Rogue World. She and her warriors protect those small citadels in the region. The dark attire help to hide the nature of their presence in the night.”
“You mean to say she openly fights those that attempt to pass through the broken gate?” Satyros asked, remembering the ill-effects of the stone that Maianiron had brought back from beyond the gate.
“Indeed,” Áedán affirmed, “She is a fierce fighter and a good captain. I will introduce you to her. She rides this way as we speak.”
Satyros looked and found he was right. As she neared, she smiled and said something in her language that made Áedán laugh.
“Cousin, you look well,” he said, extending his arm to her. She grasped it and kissed his cheek.
“And you look like your sister. It seems we are all ourselves,” she said smiling. Presently her gaze turned toward Satyros and those that followed behind him. “But I am wondering what all these foreigners are doing following my royal cousins. Did you know you were being followed by boys dressed as men?” It was apparent that Áedán was fighting fiercely to control his laughter.
To Satyros’ chagrin, Briallen turned her attention on him. “And who is this that sits on your right, cousin?” Her eyes were a hazy brown and her look was as piercing as Maianiron’s. Satyros found himself holding her gaze, despite the strength in her eye.
“This is Captain Satyros Delphi, of Gedi.”
“Is he, indeed,” Briallen said, reigning in her horse to get a better look at Satyros. “I shall look forward to saving your ass on the field. You look like you’re going to need it.” Despite the slighted comment, he did not bristle.
“My lady, I shall look forward to thanking you,” he said, inclining his head. Ren covered his chuckle with a polite cough.
“Pride is not a vice for you, Captain,” The Dark Florette said, catching his gaze once more, “I shall try harder next time.” She turned to Áedán once more and said something in her native tongue. To Satyros, it seemed she had finally become serious. Her face, for a moment, lost it’s hardness, and Satyros could see something in her eyes that was soft, delicate even. Áedán smiled somberly as Briallen adorned her helm once again and rode back to the front of the company.
“Briallen can seem to be as brittle as steel, but, in truth, she is tired. She has seen more battles and buried more dead friends than most ever will. I do not attempt excuse her crass behavior, however.”
Satyros wanted to reply, but found he was out of words.
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JRChristopher reviewed Version 3 -
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Some parts of this leave me wondering, for instance.
The prince took an arrow. Where?
Other than that this is impressive. Very creative. I usually only check grammar and punc. but I got caught up in this quickly. It leaves you wanting more.
There are a few typos here and there, and some spelling. Nothing big though.
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DarkShadow reviewed Version 3 -
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I really enjoyed this tale. Specifically the ‘character’ of Briallen. Her sharp wit and tongue are refreshing and help to give her a credible depth. I’d like to see a little more description in the writing. Right now I’m not fully seeing the scene in my mind. I’m not hearing the fire crack, or smelling the smoke during the telling of the tale. My only suggestion would be that you try and remember that we have 5 senses. I’d like to see a little of each in almost every sentence to help paint the picture.
It’s a great start, and as you say a rough draft so I won’t trouble with spelling or grammar. The flow for the most part seems good. Whether this was the first or the last chapter, it is interesting enough to keep me reading, and I think that is important too. Many people build up their first chapter and then the dynamic of the story is lost. That does not seem to be the case here.
Very nice! Thank you for the read!
stygmarsh reviewed Version 3 -
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Here are my opinions with overview later.
Lose “far into the evening and” to economise?
Which “he” in “much to his relief”
20,000 cavalry! Wow! A lot of horseflesh
Lose “Seemed” from “it seemed as if they talked”?
Overview: An enjoyable read. Very hearty stuff and flowed well, with the Dark Florette a suitably sassy warrior-ess. Its maybe as it stands a bit light on the detail of a Cavalry army on the march, food and fodder etc, but the dialogue takes it along.
JEBradwyn reviewed Version 2 -
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I liked this. I think you’ve done a lot better job of showing just how fiesty Briallen can be. Looks like things are coming along nicely.
JEBradwyn reviewed Version 1 -
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The number crunching at the beginning was a bit much for me, though I wouldn’t say it was completely unnecessary.
I like the way Briallen was introduced; there was something very classic about how it was done; it stood out very well as being the overall purpose of the scene. I also liked how she was explained more by the characters than by narration; it gives the reader a better heads up on how she is going to mix with the rest of the group.
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