‘Prof Steadman had been the head of the project…’ – he’s head of the project.
No, not easy at all is steadman thinking and follows on from him thinking ‘This was not going to be easy.’
Something’s clearly confused you, though.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Unforeseen Circumstances
Commander Vog placed his spectacles on the desk, closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “It’s what?” He asked the underling.
The underling gulped nervously. “Er, it’s not … not worked, sir.” He stammered.
Vog replaced his glasses and took a deep breath. “How do you mean?”
“Well, something a bit odd’s happened, sir.”
Vog glared at the underling. He knew it wasn’t his fault, but he needed to glare at somebody, and this guy just happened to be there.
The underling backed slowly out of Vog’s office, grinning inanely.
How had the plan failed? They had assured him it was absolutely fool proof and he had believed them. Vog had been so reassured by this that he had personally guaranteed to the UN that it would all be over by Christmas. It didn’t look like he was going to make the deadline.
Vog stormed out of his office. Heads would roll.
-—--
Prof Steadman had been the head of the project for less than 6 months, but in that time he had masterminded a phenomenal series of groundbreaking experiments. The project had moved so rapidly and so assuredly towards its goal of ultimate destruction, Steadman had felt sure he could have everything tied up by Christmas.
He’d been wrong. They had encountered some … unforeseen circumstances. Some would have said that sending an underling was a cowardly thing to do. Steadman, however, liked living. He’d hoped the long walk to the lab would calm Cmdr Vog down.
He was wrong about that too.
The door slammed open. “What in the name of blue blazes is going on? Why the hell is it not going to work? Where the heck is Steadman?”
Steadman rose from his desk. “Good afternoon to you too, Commander.” He was sure he could actually see steam coming out of Vog’s ears. This was not going to be easy.
“Don’t you give me any of your lip, boy, I’m perfectly within my rights to have you taken outside and shot. You wouldn’t be the first head scientist to face the firing squad round here.”
No, not easy at all. Steadman cleared his throat. “Yes, well, there have been … unforeseen circumstance.”
“Like?”
“Ah-hah.” Steadman’s stilted laugh only seemed to enrage Cmdr Vog further. “Well, let me recap, the situation first.”
“If you must.” Vog slumped into a chair and lit a stoogie. Smoking was utterly forbidden in the lab of course, but the Professor did not feel pointing this out would necessarily enhance his chances of continued survival.
“As you know, it has been nearly 23 years since the incident occurred and mankind’s Martian colonies were forced to move beneath the surface. It is therefore also some 23 years since this body was established to find a solution. However, it has only been in the last six months that I joined this team and hope returned,” Steadman began.
“Can the flowery resume and get to the point, Steadman,” Vog grunted.
“Indeed. The problem this scientific research organisation has been tackling is the uncontrolled mutation and spread of insects on the Martian surface. Following the great war of 2008, insect population began to spiral out of control. But not only this, the insects began to change- they became larger and much more resilient; they were also somehow focused and seemingly working to a common goal. The goal of eliminating humanity.”
“I hate bugs.” Vog flicked ash onto Steadman’s notes. Steadman forced a grin.
“Who doesn’t?” He said. “The problem we’ve faced, then, is that of eliminating this uber-biblical plague, but somehow not killing ourselves and all the life that remains on the surface. The obvious choices of NBC attacks would leave the surface almost un-inhabitable thus, new science has been needed.”
“My solution was to construct a nano-agents that attacked these mutant bugs at a genetic level. It would seek out and destroy the mutant bugs, leaving their normal cousins unharmed. It would also be so focused as to leave all other species unaffected.”
“With my genius at the helm,” Vog raised an eyebrow and Steadman’s words caught in his throat slightly, “it wasn’t long before a potential process was identified. The genes causing the mutations would be attacked directly and as you know we have managed to reach the final testing phase in record time.”
“So what’s gone wrong?” The pre-amble seemed to have calmed Vog somewhat.
“There have been some unforeseen circumstances. I think it’s best that you see for yourself.”
-—--
Mr Valence had only volunteered for the test procedure for a bit of spare cash. The recruitment agent had assured him that nothing could possibly go wrong. He’d been shown videos, there had been talks and he’d even read the pamphlet they gave him. He’d felt so confident that nothing would go wrong he’d already spent the money on a Christmas holiday for the family.
Somehow, this hadn’t turned out to be the nice little earner he’d hoped.
“Good God!” Exclaimed Vog as he entered the viewing chamber. He nearly swallowed his cigar. “Is this some sort of joke?”
“No joke, I’m afraid.” Steadman walked up to the intercom and pressed the little red button. “Mr Valence? Could you please stand up and give us a twirl?”
Valence did as he was asked. “What the hell’s happened? When are you going to change me back?” he shouted. Steadman took his finger off of the intercom button.
“Well?” Said Vog, “when are you?”
“I’m not. This is permanent.”
“But he’s turned bright GREEN!”
“He is in perfect health, apart from the colour. It seems that the latent genes activated by the nano agents have reacted to give this skin discolouration. The genes cannot be de-activated, to the best of our knowledge. Humans are the only species we’ve found this effect in. It seems that we may have to rethink our plans somewhat.”
To Steadman’s surprise, Commander Vog hadn’t killed him. In fact he looked almost thoughtful. Then, Vog started to smile. He needed to make a phone call.
-—--
Valence picked up the microphone and the large screen in the centre of the Martian Broadcasting Corporation Television studio went blank. “And so it seems there really are little green men from Mars, and I was the first of them!”
The audience roared with laughter. They were green too.
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bravis reviewed Version 1 -
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I found this fun to read. Playful, amusing and original. Story wise I am interested to see where you are going to go with this.
Just a couple of things I didn’t like. Personally I don’t like the name Vog for the commander. It’s more of a sidekick or alien name. Since he’s a commander and thinks a lot of himself, I would expect an overly long and impressive name to match his ego. There could also be some humour to derive from this.
One other thing that stuck out a bit for me was the bit where the scientist is outlining the insect problem. Surely the commander already knows about this since he is in charge of the operation? If so, this came across as a bit of blatant ‘telling’ the reader the backstory as opposed to the more laborious ‘showing’ process. I read a similar attempt to dump information recently – they had the entire backstory broadcast as a newflash on TV. Clever…. not. Do we really need to know all about this issue in one go?! You could have revealed a lot of it through the dialogue and thus given the reader something to puzzle over and piece together over the course of several chapters.
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onlywish reviewed Version 1 -
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I would of said this story is on the silly side even for science fiction, but with how it ends You have turned it into a fun and amusing read.
There are a few things I saw that you might look into. No big deal. Other then what I mention below. It’s a campy fun story
“and this guy just happened to be there” The use of the words “this guy” feels of of place. When you have already referred to him as an underling.
“Steadman, however, liked living” Is Steadman the underling? You need to clarify this sentence. There is no indication that he felt threatened.
“No, not easy at all” Is this suppose to be interdialog?
yertle777 reviewed Version 1 -
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I found the tempo to be very quick which i believe important for short stories. as i was reading something about the story made me think of a video game intro, i love video games so thats not a bad thing at all. there was just something about the ending that just lost me though, maybe it jsut was too quick or something.
PrincesswriterC reviewed Version 1 -
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OH that was FUNNY! I really enjoyed this piece and best of all it was PG! You rock! The story didn’t have as large of a Si-Fi feel that I thought it would. It was more of a military movie or and old time Si-Fi movie from the 50’s or 60’s.
Smile,
Princess
ashkrafton reviewed Version 1 -
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I think the most helpful thing I can offer concerning structure deals with paragraphs. Dialog doesn’t look right when its in between non-dialog lines.
For instance,
“No joke, I’m afraid.” Steadman walked up to the intercom and pressed the little red button. “Mr Valence? Could you please stand up and give us a twirl?”
looks fine while
Valence did as he was asked. “What the hell’s happened? When are you going to change me back?” he shouted. Steadman took his finger off of the intercom button.
looks like it needs to be broken up.
Good luck, this was a fun read!
dragonlady791 reviewed Version 1 -
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Ha ha ha! I love Vog! I can just see him, storming around the lab. Also, the way you handled the info dump through dialigue is good. The dump is minimal, and keeps the flow going. The constant reference to “unforseen circumstances” keeps the reader’s interest, and I LOVE the humor. There really are little green men on Mars, perfect!
All you need is a bit of spit and polish around the dialogue. You do not need to tell us who is speaking all the time, especially since Vog is such a unique character and easily identifiable by his use of language.
EG: In the first paragraph, you do not need to tell us Vog is seaking to an underling, since you mention the underling’s response in the very next paragraph.
Hope this helps. Have any more??
annana reviewed Version 1 -
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Your writing is competent, the dialogue is OK. You follow the “rules” of active voice and showing not telling. You should probably be doing something a bit more challenging. I don’t mean to be harsh, but I think the following is the weakness in this piece. I really believe that your writing ability simply is far better than the storytelling here.
The major problem with this as a work is that there is almost no real characterisation. There is no sympathy with any character, much less empathy or engagement. They are stereotypes, and old fashioned stereotypes. The plot is essentially the lead in to a joke, a punchline. As such, it doesn’t have a lot to say. “Little green men” is not a current referent. It doesn’t speak to anything in life today. As a result, it is OK. But that is all.
You’re technically a good writer. Go for more imaginative and meaningful material.
davet reviewed Version 1 -
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Excellent short story, in classic vein – reminded me of stuff from the 1930’s - all the Astonish type stories.
Good humour at the end.
Criticisms – my first assumption was that Vog was an alien – its sort of a classic alien name – like Douglas Adams’s Vogon race etc. I realised after a while that was wrong, but the damage was done – I was still waiting – at the end, for Vog to be revealed as Greeskinned himself.
That’s about it.
You also ahve a perfect cure for racism here. Is there a follow up story?
William_Ocelot reviewed Version 1 -
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Ironic and amusing. I thought it was a serious SF story till the ending. SF humor, rare, but you pulled it off.
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