The fat man laughed. “I bet that makes it worthwhile, eh?” He said.
How had everything gotten so far? Surely this wasn’t it? This is what it was all worth? Something wasn’t right.
I closed the case and looked up at him. “It’s not enough,” I said “I want more.”
He looked at me. He didn’t seem surprised. “Well now, I thought you’d say that. So what if I was to tell you that the police are on their way here? That somebody has tipped them off that Jake Friar has been spotted in the area. You know him. He’s the one who’s all over the news … for murdering his wife, mainly.”
It was all true, of course. “You bastard!” I got up to hit him.
“I wouldn’t if I were you, if I’m conscious I’ll be gone by the time the police get here. If I’m not, I might have to tell them all about who I was here to meet and what, exactly, I paid him half a million pounds for.” He smiled.
-—--
Eighteen months earlier
I’d always known I was destined for great things.
Science, especially biochemistry, came very easily to me. Whilst my class mates were puzzling over acids and alkalines I was developing a revolutionary short cat cracking process.
Ensign Bio-Chem had spotted me from an early age, and sponsored me through College and University, with the understanding that when I graduated I went to work for them. I was more than happy to do so and so, eighteen months ago, I became the next big thing in Biochemistry and pharmaceuticals.
I could choose what I wanted to work on, I had unlimited funds and resources – if I asked for it, I got it. Hell, I got three of it even if there were only two available in the world! But all I really needed was my own head and a lab.
I’d always been interested in what I call the darker side of drugs- narcotics. I was convinced that these drugs could offer new cures and medications, but the stigma attached to them had prevented their development. A few eyebrows were raised by my paymasters, but they gave me the go ahead.
It was the worst decision I think they could possibly have made.
-—--
Eighteen weeks earlier
It hadn’t taken me long to make several breakthroughs. It seemed that everything I did bore fruit, with massive revenue potential forecasted. Potential cures for Alzheimer’s, treatments for cancer and a whole horde of new non-addictive painkillers where already well on their way to completion.
My most recent discovery was based on LSD. It was slightly different to everything before, though. It wasn’t a medication of any description, but instead it activated several latent genes. This drug was something special; it apparently allowed one creature to enter the mind of another.
As a result I’d christened it Psycho-troppan, or PT for short. My Ensign paymasters were ecstatic, as the military potential was enormous, to say the least. What they didn’t know though, was that PT also provided an incredible high … and was incredibly dangerous.
-—--
Eighteen hours earlier
If I had any excuse it’s that I truly loved my wife. It’s not much of an excuse, and it certainly doesn’t justify what I did to her.
PT had entered the animal testing phase for about 2 months earlier, when I decided I would advance things a little. I decided I would try it myself and took a small sample home with me. I took it in the kitchen, whilst my wife was in the bedroom upstairs.
The effectiveness of PT was frankly remarkable. I took only a tiny dose and was instantly able to sense her mind, despite the physical barriers between us. I was then able to massage her pleasure centres within a short period of time. I rapidly moved onto being able to analyse every part of her brain and even control her physically.
It was scary how ready she was to accept what was happening and to enjoy all the pleasure I was able to arouse in her. It was also scary how pleasurable it was for me. It was like having orgasm after orgasm for both of us.
And that’s when I found it.
She was having an affair.
I didn’t recognise who it was. I didn’t care. The rage that swelled up within me was uncontrollable. I wanted to inflict pain, massive pain. And I did. I did terrible things to her and those things, along with the horrible death I gave her, will be with me forever.
What’s worse though was the realisation this morning when I awoke and realised what it was I had found in her mind. Fantasy. A harmless fantasy. Nothing more than that. I’d killed her because she’d had a harmless fantasy. It was probably someone she worked with. I began to laugh.
I laughed for several hours, in fact. You see, even though I didn’t realise it I was still under the influence of PT. The after effects last for quite a few hours it seems and they have the rather unfortunate effect of completely altering your personality.
This is the only explanation I have for why, instead of contacting the police, I phoned the fat man. He’d been my dealer at University, which is where I’d truly developed my unusual theories on narcotics, and offered to sell him the formulae for PT for half a million.
I was, you see, planning to do a runner, but not only that I was going to put the worlds most dangerous narcotic in the hands of the criminal classes. All for a measly half million pounds.
Sometimes just because you can do something, it doesn’t mean you should.
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Just one criticism: I really don’t see the significance of the number eighteen; you repeat it for apparently no reason other than to tie the flashbacks together.
Also, I think the thing that this story is missing is a twist; it could possibly be a psychological one, this would be easy to work in as the protagonist has been under the influence of an hallucinogen. Maybe the drug has reconstructed his memory so that the murder didn’t really happen? How is he sure that he really committed the crime if he was tripping at the time? You just need some kind of surprise at the end to offset the straightforward narrative of the background which is all we read after the opening scene in the present.
Ok. As requested, I left out grammatical corrections (although some are needed).
The plot is great. Very enjoyable. Emotion is high. Character development… iffy. You need more of it. More reaction from his wife – i.e. what else did he find in her head? (that point isn’t not very clearly explained) – and more thoughts/emotion from him. (Of course, he is a scientist – sounds rather like a mad scientist – so you’ll have to be clever about how you sneak emotional reactions in and you won’t need that many, but a bit more than you have.)
This works fairly well as a short story (although you need more explanation around the conclusion – there isn’t enough information for the reader to develop a clear picture of what he’s now thinking/feeling), but it would work even better as a novel. This is perfect set-up, I’m sure you realize. At the very least better develop the ending.
How had everything gotten so far? – This sentence doesn’t fit with the rest of the paragraph.
I was developing a revolutionary short cat cracking process. – You might want to explain what you mean here. What exactly it was that he was developing. (Unless I’m one of the few people in the world that doesn’t know what a “short cat cracking process” is… as I haven’t taken chem, that might be the case. Or unless it’s your intention for the reader not to know what you’re talking about. If that’s the case, though, you might still want to give some basic explanation.)
It was the worst decision I think they could possibly have made. – Take out “I think” to make the statement more powerful; to give it more of a punch.
Think we need to see more of the character’s mind. All we get here is snippets and vague ideas related to his work and the anger at the end, but I think you could include more quite easily. The timeline progression is good, but there’s little build up to the relationship that causes his actions at the end. Place more of this throughout as well. Have you thought about inverting the timeframe? You already begin at the end, but perhaps do this more so that the mystery is unraveled more slowly. Even if you have to place the revelation of the affair eighteen months ago, you could build up the tension between them, his not being sure if it is true etc.
I’d like to see this in third person, preferably omniscient, but objective would probably work all right as well.
Don’t like the last sentence much, but alas I don’t have any ideas to improve it.
Amazing! My luck has struck me again! Being tired of the usual subjects I’m hunting for something different, and yet again I’ve found it. I like the breaks in time, and the twist. The fact that “the fat man” has no name, and that it seems as if he’s unimportant, although he plays a large roll with little recognition. I like the results of the narcotic, an interesting sci-fi kind of twist. This would make an exciting movie plot.
I think the main character had suspected his wife of having an affair before he used PT, but if that’s the case, I think you could make that fact a little more clear.
“Sometimes just…mean you should.” This sentence seems weak. I like this kind of retrospective idea at the end, but it almost seems like a cop-out. I think you could choose stronger wording or elaborate. Maybe use some imagery or analogies.
This is brilliant. It flows really easily and I love the twist in the end. The only bit that didn’t work for me was in your first paragraph when the fat man says ‘Jake Friar has been spotted…’ I wondered who Jake Friar was and I wasn’t 100% sure it was the narrator despite his reaction. When I read it through a second time I was able to detect the fat man’s sarcasm a lot better but I thought this should have been made more clear.
Very good. I think the structure works for your story. Begins with mystery and intrigue in the present and then counts forward to final resolution.
The logic of events within the progression is sound, well paced and concise i.e no unnecessary details.
You describe his arrogance well, and his remorse is not overdone – but it is real enough.
...realised what it (really)was I had…
I think it was well written. Thanks for the read.
Very interesting concept and structure, let down almost by the brevity of the piece. You could really make this into something far more substantial I’m sure, and it’s the first time I’ve seen ‘flashbacks’ used in a short story.
All in all, well written but in my mind to leave as is would be a waste. Rewrite it, bigger and better and take it from there.
Best of luck with this.
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