Haiku/Senryu / unknown corpse (Analysis)

very morbid, overall very good, meets the 5-7-5 format.

in is a syllable filler.

punctuation needs to be revisited.  

What does the gore have to do with the corpse – really?

I mean you paint a picture but what is the purpose of the portrait you give us?

A sad situation to be sure…but why should I as the reader care about it?  You give me nothing to connect to really.

I think you need to connect this image to something that the reader can understand so that they will get more from it.

Maybe instead of walls covered in gore… gore covered infant?

Now that will connect the image to the reader much more

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May 05, 2008

by Zanladar

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30	M	Glendora, CA	September 30

basically about a suicide – such as kurt from nirvana.  Shot gun to the head would induce gore covered walls.  but not really needed IMO.

May 06, 2008

by squarehopper

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44	M	United States	December 04

But, what do you give for the reader to SEE it is suicide?

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If you were going for gross and depressing then you definitely accomplished it. Not sure the “Walls covered in gore” quite goes with this. I think more interesting may have been to say “Scratch marked walls” but that’s just me.

I think the progression of images is what really got my attention about this piece --- each line is more grim than the one before. I don’t think you need to capitalize Lonely or Room, but otherwise I didn’t see anything that needed changing.  Good job!

Death…not many people talk about it and you did. and to put it in so few words was amazing. Good job.

I love this. I love that there is so much of the story compacted into so little lines. The last line, “Walls covered in gore” is perfect.
I really don’t have much criticsm for you.

very dark, I love it. The words really moved something inside me.
I could relate to the words.

Holy crap that’s vivid. I’m impressed that you conjure such a strong image with so few words.
Kudos!

This must be about a video game like Doom.  Otherwise it’s a crypt.  I can’t compare versions until I submit this review, but based on this version I’m afraid I don’t get the point.  It’s 17 syllables (can’t really call it a senryu) about a decomposing body in a room.  I’m curious why you capitalized the first letter of each word in L1?

I think this might work better as a longer poem in another category.  Other than the syllable and line count, it’s not relevant here.  Unless your metaphors are just too deep for me.  You earn a few points for punctuation and spelling, but that’s all.  Sorry.

One thing for sure, this certainly has imagery.
It sounds like a crime scene where a man was slaughtered.

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November 22, 2007

by Zanladar

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264	81.1% (37 votes)	19.8%

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30	M	Glendora, CA	September 30

hmm, my zombiatic phase. old piece. But the image – if reading in a dark room, is creepy.

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