Non-fiction / animals.
Motionless on a train. The car has come to a halt. Right next to a dumpster full of garbage and trees. I think about our trip as it has passed before it even started. I think while she warms my lap with her pillowy head.
I take a sip of my juice. Cranberry and vodka.
The conductor speaks. Ladies and gentleman.
Announcements that boom over Casey Jones’ high tech speakers.
I touch her thigh as the train picks up speed again and it isn’t as warm as her head. I wonder if maybe that is because that is where she is. Who she is. Everything comes from the brain. The personality. The person. We learned that in biology. Which reminds me of babies sucking on mothers breasts and how we are all still just animals.
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You title first: is this an animal or human in your lap?
You don’t make if clear about the train when you say the car…which is it? Your juice upgraded into an alcohol coctail in the same line. If it is a baby in the author’s lap, why the alcohol? Isn’t that dangerous? This piece needs some details and rethinking I would suspect.
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I would like to know about the two principles. I find that many people reduce a story idea into being animals or pondering death. Is this a commonality in all writers or specific to ages and phases of writing?
Forgve me for sounding like another reviewer yet this felt disjointed. Yes, I know that is part of the story to feel such yet it became confusing disjointedness. THe last two sentences took alot away from the strength of the piece. I would like to see other work. Thank you for sharing.
This flows well. It also envokes thought on the reader. You have good description and paint a vivid picture.
I’d say ‘nice’ but that probably goes against the rules! It’s all very removed, and somehow it feels cynical, almost; it reminds me of something off of Charles Simic, teetering on the surreal, but not as wild.
Well done. It was haphazard in places, but I guess it adds as much to the atmosphere as the finality of the last phrase ‘all still just animals’!
Not sure what the point of this is (maybe the point is that there’s no point?) but it’s an interesting little scribble. I liked the bit about Casey Jones’s speakers (although the ‘high tech’ part should have been hyphenated). Also, I think you wanted to make ‘mothers’ (last sentence) possessive, either mothers’ or mother’s. Lastly, although I don’t automatically have a problem with incomplete sentences (the first one was very good, I think), the third sentence, “Right next to…” really didn’t stand alone. I think it should have been a comma-separated clause of the previous sentence.
Other than the grammar quibbling, I thought this was an interesting bit of on-the-move philosophy. Thanks for sharing.
having ridden a train only once for 2 days, i could relate to the train stop, which usually were not very long.
vodka and cranberry juice, now, that sounds refreshing,
i agree with everything comes from the brain, and the babies sucking was a good method of relating to how we are animals as i think they have feelings also
good read
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