Poetry / The Bottom of Every Bottle

Your pome conjures a sense of loneliness and isolation.  It seems to warn of involvement with people who aren’t capable of giving back emotionally.   I liked the descriptions.  I hope my take isn’t way off!  Thanks for the read.
Mermaid

I really enjoyed this message about self-destructive habits like drinking. I think for such a powerful moral it deserves alittle more fine tuning. But, as a whole I think it was very well done and in a non-preaching but teaching voice. Bravo!

how is nayone supposed to fit in the bottom of a bottle? just kidding. that was a beautiful poem. so much emotion

The ending was superb.  Very strong.  I loved it.

The theme of this poem was very gripping, very telling.  Very, very nice.  I don’t know what else to say.  

A few things…

“You” is said a lot throughout, I recommend rephrasing to keep from repeating.  

In stanza three, the line that says, ”...and it doesn’t need yours.”  I wasn’t clear on who this was speaking to, and what ‘it’ referred to.  

But other than that, I loved it.  It is very close to being ready for publishing!

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February 05, 2007

by Wytchcat

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
263	76.6% (64 votes)	48.4%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
41	F	Seattle, WA	November 12

I am glad you liked it…

It is really feast or famine with you and I where reviews are concerned.  :)

This piece deals with suicide and self medicating through, in this case, alcohol.

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A very nice read. I only have one suggestion. Change the last ‘too’ to ‘to’.Otherwise this poem is very well written. I wouldnt change anything else.”“Fair” is day of rides and sideshows.” is my favorite line. It says alot about lifes expectations. Thank you for sharing.

Wow, that was cool. I read it once, I liked it. I read it a second time and I thought it was great. “She” has passed on and not just casually left for the love of another. That brings another tragic dynamic to the piece. There is self pity and there is self medication. One you scorn and the other you pity. You separated them nicely. Thank you for not making me break out the Shakespearian poetry dictionary just to read it. I love the plain English.

This is a sadly revealing piece of how little substance and how liquid the person has become, at the bottom of life, swallowing pride in gulps, with blurred vison and slurred expression.  I loved someone very similar and wrote similar poetry, all in waste/haste.  Don’t wait.

That aside – the poem is good.  I suggest removing ands or buts from any stanza ever, it takes away for the reader.  Quality of poetry improves by vast volumes without it, it’s a crutch.  Like an um, before a sentence in speech.

This line is obviously more of a personal comment but I would remove it or replace it -

And no, it wasn’t fair.
“Fair” is day of rides and sideshows.
But she made her choice.

You’re talking about very adult subject matter and this seeems to take it down a notch.

This sentence I would suggest removing “the”     in the dark

But just so you know

remove but – just so you know is very raw, can work fine but would stretch to seek a sleeker sentence.

Good work.  

I enjoyed reading this piece an almost dark comedy, although the humor is very subtle. I would completely drop everything starting from “She is waiting for you”. You lose the dark tone, and become somewhat preachy. None of this is necessary. You should also consider dropping all of the unknown yous and yours or create these yous into someone more defined and specific. It would also be nice to flesh out she also.

Definitely made me think and wonder.

Thanks

I absolutely adored this writing. I especially like the part:
‘And no, it wasn’t fair.
“Fair” is day of rides and sideshows.
But she made her choice.’
I liked how you used the word fair to mean two different things.
This piece hits close to home for me.
The last line. ‘too’ should be changed to ‘to’. Other than that I would not change a thing about this.

this beautiful piece almost brought me to tears..such a wonderful collation of thought and emotions.  I love the way you phrase your words, particularly the lines “Find home in the promise of art just before your hand creates it” and “there is too much life in you too fit in the bottom of any bottle.”
A great read. Derane